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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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[B][I][COLOR=Indigo][FONT=Georgia]Kjane - thats ok that it wasnt directed toward you but you still responded. - I am more than happy to meet anyone who suffers the same and Im sure Jake will be, too. Tell us a bit about yourself if you feel you want to...

:nono: Oh JAke, theres no way I would think becuase you have some "issues" that you are a freak or whatnot. In fact, its SUPER common in eating disorders, especially anorexia and BED for a person to have pre-exsisting OCD (whether diagnosed or not). And I'll tell you what -theres so much to be said for me and my eating patterns, emotional and physicological issues... you will probably feel the most normal you have in a long time by the time I am done here. Haha... but you asked about me so here goes:

I will be totally honest as I really feel that just laying it out the way it is/was is the best way to come to terms and move past problems. So, my problems started when I was about 14-15. I was diagnosed with depression and went thru some counseling and many trials and errors with anti-depressants. We finally found prozac which "worked" to at least get me out of bed.
I had gained my "womanly" body the summer before 8th grade and since I was always a very thin child, I suddenly had a serious preoccupation with eating and feeling fat due to emergence of hips, thighs, boobs, etc. I adopted anorexia and soon after bulimia around this time with bouts of binging mixed in there off and on. (it wasnt until I was about 17 or so that I really remember easing back on the exercise or purging and the binging because the main element) I sort of suffered through it most of my high school years by cutting and drinking or using ecstacy. After moving out of the house and on my own I began using drugs more heavily, of which I will not mention in length, and soon found myself moving around a lot and not really having any close friends or being able to hold down a job. The eating disorder and the drug use/partying combined prevented all that. I had quit going to counseling when I was about 18 due to feeling that it really wasnt doing me much good since I spent much of that time with therapists who really didnt seem to care or focused on the wrong things.

When I was 19 I met my husband who is to this day, I feel, my angel. I quit using drugs and hanging out with the wrong crowd. But with all the things that had been going on and the resulting effects of the usage and e.d's, I began to have terrible anxiety attacks and bouts of depression stronger than I had had before. We also soon became pregnant and this only intensified my chaos. I began going back to therapy and was diagnosed with both seasonal and hereditary depression, GAD (with frequent bouts of panic/anxiety attacks), BorderLine Personality Disorder, Binge Eating Dosrder (Compulsive Overeater) and Exercise Bulimia. So I was finally sent to also see an eating disorder specialist specifically.

Well, I had spent so many years in counseling, I knew right away that I wouldnt get along with the first four (yep, 4!) specialists I tried. I continually asked for new ones until I finally found one whom I feel is sincerely concerned and striving to help me get better. I probably couldnt properly explain, no matter how hard I try, the intensity of the hold food has over me. It's been my best friend and my worst enemy for years. And that to me, feels pathetic when I think about myself. It's just food... its there to fuel us and keep us alive... not to serve as an object of obsession. But it has truly become a living nightmare... my body has really become confused , I think, due to the abuse and I have become Hypoglycemic just within this last year. My doctor believes this was brought on from my sugar and carb loading and then restricting. These thigns seem to make the situation even worse as the depression makes me feel hopeless to begin with , which makes me want to eat and the panic and anxiety attacks are usually followed by food for comfort. Becaues of the Hypoglycemia, eating every few hours is a MUST, so I can 't just eat only when I feel hungry or else my blood sugar will drop and I will freak out. I am no longer able to recognize hunger or satiety signals anymore. And Ill be honest, too... in the beginning, it was only certain foods that I really wanted that I would binge on. But as time went on & the disorder intensified, the type of foods really didn't matter anymore. There have been times that I polished off a tub of unflavored protein powder or box of raw oatmeal packets when I had a lack of other things to eat and was feeling too sick to go to the store. (I know, thats gross)
And one last thing about me - to only add an element of guilt in my mind to the whole mess: I have the training and certifications to personal train clients and instruct fitness and nutrition classes , so I posess the knowledge required to be healthy and stable with eating and exercise and I can't hold to it myself...
I am certainly getting better though... I have read many books on the disorder and am still seeing my therapist as well as going to an eating disorder group at the clinic once a week. I will soon be beginning OA (overeaters anonymous)as well. I have to really take it slow this time and understand that it has in fact become very complex and I will not get out of it on my own (or as quickly as I may like to). I am currently 5'10" and 148 lbs. (although what used to be muscle cannot be labeled as such anymore). I have much more realistic goals for myself now than I did in the past as well. I would like to just get to 138 and stay there. I used to say 125 (and almost reached that at 128 right after my son was born. But that was FAR too thin)

Soooooo... there you have it! Longwinded, I know... All I can say is - get help before it gets worse. I know I have hurt my husband and my body more than I may even know with my self-destructive habits and also run the risk of setting my 3 year old son up for eating problems later in life. Many days have gone by where, among other contradictive and confusing actions, I am preaching the importance of good food and habits, etc and then stopping at the store with him in the car for binge foods or taking him to McDonalds and pigging out for both lunch and dinner in the same day. And I still am deathly afraid of going back, and possibly surpassing, the heaviest point I was ever at...(which I dont even want to say!)

Can I ask you Jake, how tall you are? I am just curious to see if even getting down to 128 would be healthy for you. Many times, unattainable, rigid or unrealistic goals about a certain weight will set a person prone to eating disorders up for binges and other disordered behaviors and perhaps thats where yours began. You were once at 128 and now that preoccupation with getting back there is setting you up for your episodes. I dont know for sure since I dont know your height or frame size, etc... but it could be.

And In terms of weighing yourself several times a day , although Im sure you already know, thats a bad idea and a great way to pull down self-esteem that is probably already a bit low! In fact, I responded to a thread just yesterday on the same subject and I will say the same : Your weight can vary by as much as 5 lbs in a day depending on (but not limited to): water weight, where you are at in your cycle (before, after or during), the time of day, when the last time you ate was, how much you ate, and even the amount of bowels in your intestines. And of course for a binge eater, since our bodies can get so out of whack from sodium, sugar and water intake, plus the sheer volume of food we may have ingested that day or the day before... its always going to show something different on the scale , no matter how many times you step on it in a day. it is a very good idea to only weigh yourself, at most, once every few days and ideally, only once a week. The best time is a particular day of the week that you decide on, in the morning after a day that you havent binged (if that's possible), without eating or drinking anything and after you have gone to the bathroom. Of course, without clothing as well. I know it might be hard to do it only once a week after getting used to doing it many times a day but if you can get thru just a few days without weighing, you will find it will get easier and easier to do so and stress levels regarding it will hopefully decrease.

OMW - I am looking over this now and it is so long! SORRY...I did not intend for it to get that way. I hope you had a good 30 min to read thru it all.. haha! But hopefully it helps - see you soon! :wave: [/FONT][/COLOR][/I][/B]

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