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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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It's funny you ask about my childhood.One of the reasons I am this way stems from my childhood. I was an overweight kid and always got teased. As I got older my parents always paid more attention to my siter who was pretty significantly overweight. So in order to get their attention I would starve myself. Then I moved overseas for uni which was seven years ago and I only went home once for a vacation. This will be my first time back.
I am nervous cause yet again my sister has lost 30lbs and apparently looks stunning. So here I go looking all fat. When I left I was 88lbs.
I know my husband loves me and always tells me that I look anorexic, but to me that's motivation. The other day he made a comment about my butt and I freaked out. When you have an ED there is no in-between, I guess if he tells me I'm anorexic I have achieved my goal of being thin. He always asks if I enjoy depriving myself of everything and honestly I do.
I never realised I could eat so many calories, evertime I work out my daily caloric consumption on the calorie calculators they always say about 900 so I never go that high. To me eating anything over that is a PIG-OUT day. Yesterday I ate 1,450 and today I am freaking out.
For the most part I am ok, I eat very healthy but when I am PMS'ing this monster takes over and nothing healthy is good enough. That's another reason I disappear from this board. I read posts daily or hourly but don't reply because of my distorted way of thinking.
As for your question on children, my hubby and I are trying. My whole purpose in life is to be a mommy.

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