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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

Eating Disorder Recovery Board Index

Although I am not anorexic I do have an ED as most of you know. The last week has been awful, I have been good for the past two months and have managed to go down to 92lbs (you gotta remember I am ony 5.0ft) which I am so proud of. But the last three days have been horrible. I just want to eat all the time. If I don't eat for two or three hours I start to shake and sweat and my sugar falls drastically. Yesterday while on my way home from work I almost passed out. I am trying so hard to be good but I can't. Last night I had gone to bed after having a small snack and woke up at like three in the morning just shacking like crazy. So I went into the kitchen and did not want to wake my husband up so I had to find something that wouldn't make too much noise. On the table there was half a candy bar so I grabbed that, ate it, still shacking, I grabbed another candy bar and ate the entire thing. I ate 1 1/2 candy bars. Why would I do that, why?? I haven't eaten chocolates in months. I don't even care for them anymore since I have convinced myself that they are bad, bad, bad. 450 cal and 20 grams of fat ingested in minutes. WHY? I don't eat that much fat in an entire week and I just did in a matter of minutes.
So I promised myself that I wouldn't eat today only to come to work and find out I have a meeting in 20 min, I so don't want to attend but I have to and I am so scared that my stomach will make a noise cause I may get hungry or something. I am sitting here infront of my PC freaking out cause I don't know what to do. I can't gain weight, I just can't. I go on vacation in eight days and instead of loosing weight I am gaining.
Gosh, I don't know what to do. I hate myself, I hate myself for eating so much and having no control.
Sorry to ramble I am just venting.

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