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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board


Eating Disorder Recovery Board Index


Hi Leanne -

I've been on these Boards for many months now, but have yet to see anyone with my exact, and current, ed. By medical definition I am morbidly obese. I can't seem to stop doing what I very well know I shouldn't do - eat to excess. Sadly, I WISH I could be bulemic - then I could have the best of both worlds, so to speak, meaning NO disrespect to bulemics!!! I just wish I could eat what I choose, as much as I choose, and not gain weight.

I don't know if you could ever understand me, or if anyone can...I don't even understand myself. I've been in therapy and it didn't help. (I will be trying hypnotherapy to see if I can rid myself of the demons that seem to possess me, but whether this is my panacea, remains to be seen. I'm hopeful, but skeptical.) Unfortunately, since my situation sems to be the only one on these Boards, I'm not altogether certain it's even classified as an eating disorder. Sometimes I just think I'm a pig, a glut, who KNOWS she shouldn't be, yet feels powerless at slef-control.....

I've always been in various stages of overweight, but I am now the heaviest ever, and much to my consternation, still gaining. How incredibly stupid I am!! I feel like a freight train without brakes....and it won't be too much longer before I resemble one. :rolleyes:

I THINK my ed began in childhood, as many do. My mother was a very strict disciplininarian, and being that I was always a chub, her favorite form of punishment was depriving me of dessert - converesly, if I was "good" that day, I was allowed to have it, and my favorite dessert was ice cream. Oh, my....this doesn't often happen, but the tears have just started typing that. After all these years...BTW, I'm 53, and probably the oldest here. Anyway, I feel certain she thought she was doing the right thing, sort of killing 2 birds with one stone. But apparently, at some point, this deprivation turned to a sort of obsession, not only with dessert, but food, in general. It had hurt me TERRIBLY to be deprived of something I loved, and worse, that other family members had their dessert, but I was disallowed. (whah, whah. sorry.)

So thru the years I developed an unhealthy attitude toward deesserts and food...and worse, it evolved into...almost a sort of drug. It's there for all the reasons Dance4jc mentioned, and more. To soothe, destress, comfort pain (physical and emotional)...just, a plethora of reasons. And I sooooo hope that some day I can be where she's at now, to have learned other ways to cope, diffuse, etc. Until then, food is it. I know no other way, shamefully. And much as I desperately want to change, I feel doomed to stagnate in my obesity, and reasons for it. The freight train - ever the freight train.

[QUOTE]Yes most of us with EDs have self-esteem and worth issues. Causes vary from person to person, but unfortunately we are all very hard on ourselves[/QUOTE]

Soooo true, Dance!! I don't even POSSESS a self-esteem, and perhaps only a smidgeon of self-worth. Many with eds are this way, but it baffles me as to why.

Most of those who know me on this Board know that I don't even like to talk about myself, that I would rather, hypocritically, try to help others do what I can't even do for myself. That I've said all this to you is only because you are trying to understand those with eds. But something tells me you won't understand me any more than I, or anyone else, has been able to. I mean no disrespect - it's just what I perceive to be a fatalistic statement of fact.

Hugs
Char :wave:





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