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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board


Eating Disorder Recovery Board Index


All i can say is thanks Rachel for putting this on here. It kinda gives you relief that your not the only one out there, ya know. It makes a difference (even though i dont know any of you personally) that there are people out there who know EXACTLY how im feeling...not just kinda know what im feeling. The difference between symapthy and empathy i guess.
But anyway...I used to consider myself a recovering anorexic/bulimic/exercize bulimic...but nobody can ever really say that. It stays with you all your life. Its like a thought that stays in the back of your mind. You tasted...you lost weight and the thought that when all else fails...you can just starve yourself again. Its a disease. Literally.
Anywho...im posting because that little thought that is put in the back of your head after you "recover" is making its way known again. And im so mad, frustrated and upset with myself for letting this happen. Im mad because here i am...telling bunches of teens with eds about the consequences of eds...helping them to not even think about starting...and im struggling with it again myself.I do exactly what you do. "Well i went 300 calories over my limit today, so tomorrow i'll just make sure i eat 400 less. I "pay" for my 300 and an extra 100 to make me feel skinny" ....And i thought i was the only one who did that. You are starting an ed. And so many people tell you to back out now...stop now...but it sounds a lot easier than it really is. You know...people will tell you that you just cant start starving yourself to loose weight and suddenly say you have an eating disorder...and in a way thats true, but in my opinion that how it starts. Thats your little taste of it and gradually day by day it increases. You'll tell yourself you have it all under control, when it really controls you. Phycologist say that many abused children develope OCDs(obsessive compulsive disorders) and thats one of mine.Weight....I figure its my body i can control it. But when i cant sleep because i have this urge to exercize because i ate a candy bar that day.... thats pretty bad. When its pouring down raining and i still go for my hour walk so i dont get FAT AFTER MISSING A WALK JUST ONE DAY..... When i'll go 2 or 3 days eating nothing but salad because i ate pizza that day before...and im just eating salad to prove to MYSELF that i still dont have an ed...when i have conveinced myself im recovered, yet found myself yesterday kneeling over the toliet throwing up...it controls you. And i hate it. I HATE IT SO MUCH. And i cant get it to leave me alone. To let me live a normal teenage life. It is something that i would never wish on my worst enemy. And all i can tell you...the little bit of advice i can give you...even though its hard....stop now. Whatever you do...just forget it. Leave it right where you are and live your life. Im fricken 16 years old and its ruined my teenage years. Whatever you do...just tell yourself" i dont want to end up where she is" And whats sad is that theres somebody out there SOMEWHERE that is worst than me. It will consume youre life. It will stay with you until all you think talk act or do is something to deal with weight. I tell people "Im healthy. i like to exercize. I dont want to be an unhealthy old person. i eat right becasue its good for my body. I workout because it'll make me strong. I walk everyday for an hour because it makes up for all the "junk" food i eat" But thats not true. And you people on this board are the only ones who will ever hear me say that. I hide my eating disorders. My g-mas a nurse and she would notice it in a heart beat. Ive perfected hiding it. And thats sad. Its sad that i lie about what i eat just so they wont know. I will be the first person to tell you that i need help. But its the fact of me wanting it. I have a fear of being fat again. Right now is it to the point that im skin and boned fixin to die? No...im actually at a healthy weight. I dont gain or loose weight. Im at a fixed weight and have been for about a year. But like i said...that thought...that taste...is slowly but surely becoming known, and im afraid that im gonna start it again. Im doing ALL i can to force it to go away. I DONT WANT IT. But its almost like its a person out to destroy you.(and in my religion, i see it as Satan. He knows its my weakness and hes out to destroy me. but ppl have different beliefs) And all you can do is tell yourself, that you dont need it. When you gorge out like you said you do, you gotta ask yourself "Why am i eating so much. Do i just not have my own self control over my body to tell myself i dont need this? Does food control MY OWN BODY? Am i hungry? If im not hungry then why am i eating this? All its going to do is make me feel guilty and ashamed of myself. And i shouldnt feel like that. i shouldnt hate myself like that." If you do happen to overeat its not a big deal. Dont limit yourself to food the following day. Just let yourself know that that cant be an everyday thing. Your a teen. Live like one. Its not gonna hurt you until you make it an everyday thing. Then it will. But you said you want to throw up to get rid of the ashamed feeling. You might feel great after doing it, but let me tell you...down the road, youll feel ashamed and guilty for throwing up. Or even now you will. I remember when people said they thought i had an ed, i got mad. I told them how dare them accuse me of something like that! And i would lie because i was so ashamed of it. I wanted people to believe i was loosing weight because of exercizing and eating right. Not throwing up and starving myself. I wasnt proud of it. And now i ask...then why did i do it. I never do anything i dont wanna do. So why did i do that? Why am i letting it come back? I wish i knew when i started all the info i do now about health and good weight lose. (Im thinking on being a nutritionlist actually.) And i really do care about being healthy, but for the wrong reasons. I want to be healthy strictly for my weight. So i never have to ever deal with being overweight again. And thats a wrong reason. It should be for you. I know what its like to be teased and shunned and tormented for being overweight. Unlike most people who develope eds i actually was fat. And i was the type just to start to loose weight. And i was told that thats not an eating disorder. Thats how i know, that it might not be then, but it sure is now. If you are fixed on loosing weight, do a lot of searching on healthyness. Just type a bunch of stuff in the search box and see where it goes. thats how i learnt all my stuff. If i was curious on a workout for my stomach, id just type in ab workouts. I go to a site called [ [B][I]removed [/I][/B] ] And i found a lot of info on that site. Ive read on different diets just to see the concepts they used.I read different articles on my email home page that is put on there. Anything i can get my hands on ya know? Loose weigtht healthy. And you dont even sound heavy. but i bet whats going on is your afraid with the way your eating, your gonna get there. And whats crazy is i actually just put a post not to long ago on the exact thing. Ive been living my life like a teen recently and eating what i want. but all its dont for me is made me feel fat and guilty. Thats the ed right there. Have i gained much? No...but im afraid i will and like i said...i refuse to ever be fat again. Fat people live in a different world then skinny people. They're hidden and unknown. People dont care about you...just point and laugh. You dont have friends or guys that like you. You dont get to wear cool clothes. Its darkened in a way. not all fat people are like that. But i know i was. And then on top of that was my alchoholic abusive dad who beat me for being fat. He said i embarressed him in public! It was horrible. And now...now im healthy. Im not to skinny nor am i chuncky. And its a whole new way i look at the world. But im ashamed on how far i went to change myself...where it got me...when all i really needed was to love me...and i didnt at the time. I hated myslef. I avoided mirrors. i wore these awfully baggy clothes and i reclused myself from everyone. I never ate at school to avoid people telling me i didnt need to eat. When i got home i stayed in my room with my books because i had no friends to hang out with. i never bothered making friends because i automatically assumed they wouldnt wanna be friends with me. I look back and realize that i made it worst than it really was. And i just want you to realize that you have people out there no matter what you think that have gone through worse and know how you feel... Im still stuck with the self esteem of a heavy person. And if you met me, i think its obvious. But thats just me. Im a really good observer. And im trying to work on it. Righ tnow whats been bumming me out is the boy thing. All the guys i like im shy around, so nothing ever really happens. Then the ed pops in and i automatically analyze myself and put the balme on my looks. I shouldt i know. But i do. So if anyone has any help with boosting self esteem thatd be great. :)
Lulugurl...Your asking US why YOUR not eating, but im asking YOU why YOUR not eating?

God Bless ;)
___________________*~Ashley*~___________________________________





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