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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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No one understands
Sep 28, 2004
Hello everyone! :wave:
I just need a place to get out some frustration, and to see if anyone else feels the same way I do. About a year ago I learned how to throw up my food. I wasn't your textbook bulimic, because I never binged. But I would instead just throw up my normal-sized (and even small) meals. I stopped for a few months after telling my family about it, because I could stand them looking at me shamefully. It was embarassing to know that they knew what I was doing. But the disorder never entirely goes away. I will always have this problem. I purge every now and then, but not regularly like I was doing before. The problem has become less about my behavior and more about my mental hangups. I don't look at food the same way other people do. I don't see it as something that I need a certain amount of everyday to stay healthy. I see it instead as a comfort, a luxury, a passtime. It's so hard to explain, but I only eat when I want to eat- not when I need to because I'm hungry. Many days this does mean a full day's worth of meals. But other days, I just won't be in the mood. It may take me an hour and a half to decide what I want to eat for lunch. People at work don't even ask me to order lunch with them anymore because I take too long to make a decision then I get frustrated and say I want nothing at all. No one understands this. My boyfriend (who I met after I had gotten over bulimia) knows about this and tell me I just have to force myself. But it's not so easy. If I don't want something or can't decide what I want to eat, I simply won't eat. On the contrary, if I am in the mood to eat then I will eat and eat way after being full! It's so weird, but I know it's an effect of my eating disorder. It's a constant reminder, a rain cloud that always follows me.
I don't think I will ever be able to change my thinking. I can change my behavior (not purge, force myself to eat, etc...), but it won't be easy. Does anyone out there struggle with the same thing? Have any advice on how to change the way I think about food?

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