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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

Eating Disorder Recovery Board Index

So back in high school I was really overweight (definitely, by BMI standards) and I lost about 45 lbs, mostly by fasting. It wasn't too serious.. mostly like eating just one meal a day, but I tended to binge at that meal. Anyways, when I got to college I was able to stop and didn't gain the weight back. I never really thought I was addicted to the fasting, though I know that I wasn't really very well. I've had a few times since then when I've gone back to fasting.. for just weeks or for a month.

But I started again four months ago and now I don't know if I have a problem or not.. I don't know how to tell. I was living with my boyfriend for a while at the start and had to eat like one meal a day.. but now I've started grad school and I don't have him around most of the week.. so it's been getting worse. Like at first I was trying to do 1000 calories a day, then like 800, then 500.. and lately it's been under 400. But on weekends I do eat normally, even binge. I don't understand how I can have a real eating disorder if I can make that kind of switch. Shouldn't I practically have panic attacks at the thought of eating real food? I am still a normal weight by BMI standards and part of me really hates that and I just don't know why. I don't know why I am doing this. Just for attention? But how can I be doing it for that when I haven't seriously come out and said, "hey, look I've been starving myself". Part of me is sick of doing this, wants to eat normally.. but I'm scared of gaining back the weight I've lost, I'm scared of the embarassment when a therapist tells me that I don't have a problem, and I know there's a part of me that wants me to hurt like this. Just wants to see how far I can push myself before I fall. I want to tell people. I need to talk about it with someone. Does that mean I don't have a problem? If I did, shouldn't I want to hide it? I'm really confused. Anyone out there have any advice? Words of wisdom?

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