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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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For me, it's really hard to say when or how it all exactly started. I think there was a lot of things that started it. For one, I was bigger when I was younger. I was picked on hardcore all the time, and I wasn't cute either. By the time I was in seventh grade I had had enough of it. I just couldn't do it anymore. I started telling myself that these people were right. I was fat. I was ugly. And it was up to me and only me to do something about it. It wasn't bad then. I just stopped eating desserts and snacks. Things like that. But I can remember always wanting to sleep over at my one friend's house because she would never eat due to her having lyme disease. So since she didn't eat, I wouldn't either. And that made me feel good because every time I slept over there I would weight myself the next morning and be less. It was an amazing feeling. Almost like a high. Months later, during the summer, it escalated. I swam all the time because I knew it was a good way to lose weight. I also drastically reduced what I ate. But at this point I never thought of what I was doing as a problem. I never knew there was such a thing as ******* and I really knew very little about anorexia. When I went back to school my eighth grade year people could tell that I had lost a lot of weight. People just assumed that I got a lot of exersize though. One time when a friend's mom asked me what I did, I told her I just didn't eat a lot. And she responded by saying, you must be kidding. You just exersized a lot. It was then that I decided I didn't want to share my secrets with anyone any more. Within the next two years, I gained a little weight back. When I was a freshman I played a lot of sports and ate half-way decent, but by christmas break I couldn't stand looking at myself anymore. So the entire week of break I went to basketball practice and ate almost nothing all week. I lost A LOT of weight. I still didn't see a problem with what I was doing. Sophmore year was when I gained the most weight. I had gone from 118 to 145. By May of that year I decided that once again I needed to do something. For the month of May, I ate only one meal a day. I dropped a good 20 pounds by June, but I was not satisfied yet. Within the next month, I dropped another 10 pounds. Still, at this point I didn't notice a problem. When I went back to school everyone thought I looked great. I maintained the same weight until about December. From December to sometime in the spring I had gained 10 pounds back. I hated myself once again. I worked out all the time. I didn't eat breakfast. I never ate lunch. People started calling me anorexic. Finally, I thought ok, maybe I was, but so what. I couldn't stand to look at what people were eating. I would look at them and think, oh man, if only they knew how many calories they were eating. This was around the first time I ever made myself throw up. I hate throwing up, so I used to shudder at the thought. But I was desperate. I would have done anything to lose weight. I was even taking diet pills and drinking as much caffeine as I could. Anything to boost my metabolism. I started going on the ******* sites and found a friend at school that was going through somewhat of the same thing. I needed any support I could get. I used to just want to be thin for other people. But it turned into so much more. It became an addiction that I had to do for myself. So by July I decided to "diet" again. Halfway through July I had lost almost 15 pounds. Still wasn't happy. So now I am in my senior year of high school, 18 years old, still experiencing the same problem I had when I was a seventh grader. I don't normally purge anymore, but I don't eat either. My dad warns me about becoming too thin, but I don't care. I tell him I'm ok, and he leaves me alone. My mom doesn't care how thin I get as long as I'm not "fat." For example, today in the grocery store I told her I wanted to get combos. Not like I was really going to eat them anyway, but I told her that's what I wanted. She told me that they had a lot of fat in them and that I shouldn't eat them. My mom secretly has issues with food as well. So that definitely has not helped my own problem. Also, I have a mindset that telle me I have to be better than everyone else. I always want to be smarter, prettier, and especially thinner. I am very much a perfectionist in every aspect of my life. And for me, controling my weight is a way to control my life. Especially this year when everything just seems wrong. And I hate to burden other people with my problems, so I just take them all on by myself. To me, other people are more important than myself. So that's a good portion of my story. Like you, I have more, but I'm pretty sure this is long enough. lol. I think there's some similarities in there to your story. Wow, I can't believe how good it feels to get that all out.

...So you said that wasn't all of your story. What else did you have to say? Now I am very curious. :confused: :) :bouncing:

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