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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board


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Scared
Jan 22, 2005
I CANT KEEP DOING WHAT IM DOING.... Today i spent the whole day with my best mate, like always we went out for coffee, and it was lunch time and she was eating, so i had to eat because everyone gets suss on me if i dont... So i ate fries, and a lot of them!!!! then afterwards we went shopping and this is where the bad part starts.....

She reckons she is gaining weight so we were in the chemist and the whole time we were looking at weight loss pills etc...... we were in there for like an hour looking at EVERYTHING!....... I picked up a box of weight loss pills and i said to myself "if u wanna get better dont go buying these..." so i put them back down and was just waiting for my mate to decide on what she wanted..... then we went to the checkout and we were in line for ages and that whole time it was on my mind... that box of pills........ so just before it was her turn at the register i ran back and got a box....... and as soon as i got home i downed 10 of them in a row...

whats going on with me?? my head tells me that i wanna get better, but i couldnt resist getting those weight loss pills.. i know they might not even do anything, but at the moment i want anything that can help me lose more weight...... will they do anything bad to my health??

I also take a lot of Guarana pills as well to give me energy for the day..... am i harming myself??

Another thing that is on my mind is that everytime i have a conversation with any of my friends, in some way or another the convo leads to weight... and i find it annoying, but i cant say anything because i dont want my friends knowing that i still have a weight issue..... even if it is obvious...

I just dont know what to do...... i want this to be over.... but i am scared...... but the thing is, i dont know what i am sccared of.. i just wanna b normal, not worry about calories or how many grams of fat is in each thing that i eat... I am physically and mentally exhausted... I exercise way too much, i take diet pills, and i throw up at least 5 or 6 times a week (which is ok cause it used to be 3 times a day).......

I hate it that the only thing that is ever on my mind is food and weight.

And i dont even know how all of this started really.. I have had a good life, my childhood was awesome, i got everything i could ever want..... but as soon as 14 hit, that was it, everything went to ****!!!!! its been what... 5 and half years now......... i am 20 this year.... i ruined my teenage years by being overly obsessed with food... i didnt take time out to enjoy my adolecense...... and i dont want it to be the same for the next 6 years........

Am i ruining my life?





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