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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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im bulimic, but i feel the same way. i thought i looked good(when i was a rake), but i guess not. it must of looked weird cuz i have a short. yet wide body frame. so, since my legs werent touching, it didnt look normal, my hip bones were popping out and my wrists r so small its not even funny. when i did go thru an anerexic stage, i was losing all my hair and it was p***ing me off. i was always cold, and my nails were brital and omg! and it was only for a few months! when i started eating again, my hair doesnt fall no more, im not "as" cold, and my nails are stronger, but i still binge and purge,

body image is a scary thing but also at the same time, its a blessing! we should be thankful for what we have and who we are. who cares about those models in the magazines...theyre like 10 feet tall! we all have to realize that yes, we are 2 skinny. its hard i know. but its a fight we all will win!:) i know it..

keep in touch ladies!
Hey Sammy,
Thats was really encoraging!! thanks! yea, my hair has been falling out alot in the last couple of months, my grandma says you have lost so much hair i am surprised you arnt bald yet! im just like, yah, thanks! anyways... thanks a bunch!!

I completly know what your talking about, and I would also liek to see the body everyone else sees... all I can think about is I wish people can see the way I see myself as well...that way they understand what im going threw, and they can see why I am doing this to myself, it gets so imbarrassing when I am with a group of my friends, and there talking about food, and one person throws at you "what is your fav dish? and one of my friends says "oh she doesnt eat, she doesnt have a fav. dish!" I have no idea on what to say, all my friends suspect that there is anorexia running through my life style, but I wont admitt it to them and my biggest reason on that is I dont want them to think every time they look at me, oh she has an eating disorder, she probably hasnt eatin today, you know? I want them to think of other things, and not worry about me!
It is definatly hard (no one knows about my eating habits but me...) when my family and I are sitting at the diner table, and I am eating my dinner, and my aunt says, " why is it when you were living with your other aunt all we got was all this bad stuff about you not sitting at the dinner table with them and you fuighting on not eating anything??" and I am just sitting there like umm... (she doesnt know I dont eat anything at all until dinner, my grandma packs a lunch for me everyday, but I give it away at school or throw it away) so that is hard as well... well anyways, don't feel like you are alone, there are tons of us here that feel the same way...
Ya when our ED's have a strong hold on us, the good days seem very few and far between...I cant even begin to count the number of days id look in the mirror and start to cry b/c i didnt feel thin enough..Yet all my clothes were falling off, my bones sticking out, the little hair i do have was falling out, i looke sunken, yuck. All my friends and parents were telling me how gross i looked and i just couldnt get it... Its still hard for me today being a a healthy weight to see myself as beautiful.. i still have my days where i look in the mirror and cry..

Sammy - Friends are a blessing but ocassionally they can get on your friends used to do the smae thing. they would eat and make a huge point of telling me how good it was.. I couldnt bare it. One day i finally just siad nicely that it wasnt that simple and their response was 'well yes it is, just EAT!!' THey just dont get it. its not even just about eating, its everything.

Liza - Ya dads are a tough one.. my dad didnt know what to do, he cried everytime we'd try to talk about it and that it something i just didnt need. I think most dads arent familiar with frequently expressing their emotions so its hard for them. Also, one thing my mom said that was hard for my dad is that it made him feel like a failure as a parent that i had become so unhappy with myself that i wasnt eating.. I dont know, its different for everyone.
I just came across this post and felt compelled to respond. I've never posted on this board before, I lurk from time to time because I have dealt with distorted body image for the majority of my teen years and now it's following me into early adulthood, I just recently turned 23. I totally relate to what everyone is saying, the mind is a powerful thing. Right now, I too have people telling me that I'm getting too thin, I'm 5'10 and around 135 lbs, which I don't think is seriously thin, but I do know that I have serious issues with food. I feel guilty for eating more than I should and wind up hating myself for it. I've been on the verge several times of wanting to make myself throw up although I never have, I've thought about it plenty when I eat something I don't feel I should. My grandpa and my brother recently told me that I'm too thin, my mom has tried to convince me I don't need to lose anymore weight, but I don't listen, I always think I need to lose "just 5 more pounds", then I'll be acceptable, acceptable to who I'm not sure. I just can't look at myself and feel good, I look in the mirror and see my hipbone and pelvic bones stick out, but that's not good enough. My b/f told me the other day he could see all my ribs. I know I need to get help, I've recently gotten back into going to a wonderful church and I want to do everything I can to do God's will, but my distorted body image is getting in my way. I need to learn to love myself more so I can start making a difference to other people and not be so occupied with myself, it's getting in the way of my relationship w/God. Anyway, sorry to ramble, I'll remember everyone here in my prays that we can all learn to love who we are the way we are. Take care!!
[QUOTE=liza2]I know I have lost alot of weight. I know that to alot of people I am starting to look "too skinny".. but why can't I see that? There are days when I look into the mirror and see the weight loss, but then there are those days when i see nothing but fat. Those are the days that are making me do this to myself and I hate those days. I just want to look in the mirror and see me, you know, see what everyone else sees. I can feel my bones starting to stick out but yet i still don't see myself and being thin. Anyone else relate?[/QUOTE]

I'm there with you. I did this once before to lose weight...and it's happened again. I don't fast or starve but I don't eat NEAR enough fat. I've been eating more lately because I've now got panic disorder and I think that might have contributed to it. But I generally eat 50-75 percent of the recommended fat intake, but theres days when it's under 50. I get really guilty when I eat more than that, and when I don't work out alot.

I can feel my hip bones through my skin, and I can see a bit of rib cage but not alot there.

People are telling me I need to eat more. But when I look in the mirror I see who I was 8 months ago. A beer guzzling, overweight person. I still feel like I'm that fat...

this disease is soo frusterating! SaintAnger - ya its hard to see waht everyone else sees when you have so effectively convinced yourself that waht they are saying much be true. When i was at my worst, everyone told me how disguisting i looked, but now when i look back, i long to be that skinny again. Being at a normal weight is so difficult for me. i am struggling every single day..its so hard and i wish it would just go away..

Im going to have a quick vent here..So for valentines, my boyfriend took me out for a great dinner. He knows all about my past struggles with anorexia and how today i sitll have a hard time but manage to put it aside...Well for dinner, i ate far too much and i just started to cry. I havent felt that horrible about food in so long. I cried after eating, what is that? I dont think he knew what to do, i was beside myself in guilt and loss of control, i hate how i feel when i eat too much, but i hate the feeling of restricting too. Im so frusterated. i just want to go back to when i felt normal and i was the person on the outside who could never imagine themselves with an Ed,,
hey pgirl,

oh honey, i am so sorry that things are hard for you right now. I know how difficult it can be maintaining a healthy weight. I just don't understand why it doesn't look healthy to us, it just looks doesn't make any sense does it?

The whole food/restaurant thing...boyfriends stick with us through this sort of thing because they love us and they want to help us. It's hard because eating out is something that everyone enjoys - except, perhaps, for a bunch of us on these boards! When I eat out with my boyfriend I remember that he is taking me out somewhere because he loves me, not because he wants to make me fat or because he wants to see me suffer. Go for something on the menu that you won't feel guilty about eating, and just enjoy your boyfriend's company. He will be proud of you for making an effort and you can be proud of yourself for eating and not feeling guilty. I know it's easier said than done, but your boyfriend is on YOUR side.

I wish I could understand how we can look in the mirror and completely not see what's really there. I was in a changing room today in a shop, I looked at myself and it wasn't like 'oh, I guess I'm skinny but I wouldn't mind losing a bit still' it was like 'I really look hideous, how could I ever have thought I was thin?' IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!!!!! And it drives me mad! The scales say one thing whilst the mirror says another. How is this physically possible? Isn't there some drug or something that makes you see what's really there? It makes me want to never look in a mirror again :(

Vent, vent vent...this board is good for that :) Pgirl, I hope your boyfriend is supporting you through this tough time and you know I want to help you if I can. It's hard to stay healthy but remember it's the best thing for you, for your boyfriend, for your friends and family.

J*L xxx
For friends saying to us " Eat girl! What's your problem it's so easy" They are right. It is easy to eat, it's the emotions that happen to us after we eat that we have a problem controling. When I look back now I see that my ED was all about having some control in my life. School was miserable I was always not allowed to do anything unless it was church related. I was not allowed to go to dances, football games, movies. I was tired of being told what I could and could not do. I started to focus on myself and that's when I started dieting and exercising like crazy. When I jogged I felt free. It was just me and my walkman and boy did I run. I ran till I purged all of my anger and frustrations out. As time went on and I lost the weight I was proud to look in the mirror and see what I had accomplished. It felt good to see a result for all my hard work.
Then when I started working full time and finding friends I did not have enough time or energy to run and lift weights so I just ate less and less. I started going out to clubs and drinking and we all know how much beer can pack on the ole belly. About 4 months later is when the purging came into my life. One day I just had enough and I stopped cold turkey. [SIZE=3]"IT IS"[/SIZE] possbile to stop but something has to click inside of you to make you wake up and see the [SIZE=3]"REAL"[/SIZE] you in the mirror.

I am proof of it. You have to make a choice. Do not give yourself options you will find some way to talk your way around them. Make a decision and go forth with the same determination that you put into not eating and puring.

Now that I gained weight I get more attention from guys then I did when I was a size 2. I am 5'7 150 pounds. Not fat at all I am a size 4. I just learned how to resculpt my body through the use of weights. I am finally getting that Jenny butt! I always had a flat no shape butwith sadlle bags no matter how much I starved myself. Now my saddle bags are almost gone :bouncing: and I have a perky butt!

For not wanting to hurt my parents by them finding out I resulted into buying all the food for the family. I actually added up all the food I binged and purged after see my mother sitting at the table worrying about the bills. I was wasting alot of my parents hard earned money. It was not their responsibility to feed my habit so I jsut came home one day with tons of food and continued till I moved out.

I hope something clicks for all of you that are having a hard time with your ED. I am so much happier now. I feel better, my health is SO much better, my skin, hair , and nails are better and I just came back from the dentist
and soon my teeth will be better too!

hey anne

the selfishness gets to me too...i have never been considered a selfish person and i 've never really thought i was either, but i just get so angry with myself sometimes for making my wonderful boyfriend deal with all this ****...i should be better for him...why am i not better? when he's around, everything seems so much better, and i talk to him about my eating a lot now, i just feel guilty for making him worry. i'm not really that underweight either - i never am - it just seems that i have to fight over every little thing i eat, every single day. there's no point seeing a doctor because i'm not very underweight and there's no point seeing a counsellor because i know that it's ME who has to change. a counsellor can't make me see the real me in the mirror.

none of this makes sense i expect! sorry to ramble on, anne, i just have so many thoughts in my head that i feel like screaming sometimes. like i said in my last post to you, though, we have to remember our reasons for getting better. we have loving boyfriends, friends and family who dont want to see us suffer, and how are we ever going to live full lives unless we get over this?

hugs :wave:
a very confused lucy xxx

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