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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Geez, Novblis.. we always seem to be in sync. I feel exactly that way. I barely think of anything but food nowadays. I've been trying to eat.. no, I actually have been eating.. and the guilt that comes with it is bad. I haven't been starving myself at all. When I'm hungry now, I eat. But I'm constantly calculating calories and feeling terrible when I go over 1200. And then I start thinking, well I've already had ___ calories, I might as well have all these cookies anyways. Ugh. And I feel worse when I binge on the weekend because I can't say to myself, "it's okay, I'll pull this weight--and then some--back off during the week". I desperately want to get back to that, but I"m not sure if I can stand feeling hungry any more. And god, that is sooooo frightening.

And yeah, I hate people who can eat normally. Like I had to go out to dinner last night with my coworkers and the boss sort of pre-ordered a set menu.. and later I complained to my roommate how I had just wanted to order steamed vegetables, but couldn't. And she just didn't understand why I would order that when I was eating out because she would want to order something she couldn't make herself. How the hell can I explain that if I ordered a normal dish (or I was forced to have it, like last night), then my control would be gone and I would end up binging on everything?? Which is essentially what I did last night. And tonight.

I understand the frustration. I swear.. frustrated is all I am most of the time. Frustrated, tired, and hopeless.

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