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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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well, megan, its nice to meet you hun.
Wow..Thats a lot to have been thru these past few years. Control. Always, an ED leads back to control of some sort....well I guess I can't say always, but most of the time....that's a lot of mine. I can't control anything else in my life, everything is so crazy, but I can control my weight, I can control what goes in my body, and what doesn't. The way your mother was with you about telling you that if you didnt eat so much you would be able to fit in your jeans, or if you thought you were getting fat to not eat so much. I can really relate to that, only it wasnt my mom, it was my real father....all I ever heard from him was don't eat that, you're going to get fat, or what are you doing?!?! he told me what I could put in my body and what I couldn't. I can remember sitting at the dinner table from 4:30 until 8 almost everynite. I was to sit there until every single bite off of my plate was gone...I sat there many nites, and many mornings when I got up that same plate was warmed and sat in front of me for breakfast and i wasnt allowed to move from that plate until I was leaving for school or until it was gone....some nites my mom would get to it and throw it away for me....but most nites I wasnt so fortunate. I don't think that people realize how much things like that affect a child. Just because you are a kid doesn't mean that you don't understand or its not going to have a profound effect on your life. I am about at the same weight as you, I weigh 103 lbs. I know this is one of my lowest weights...not the very lowest but very close to it....I am scared....I have chest pains sometimes...I know I need to do something, but im so scared that my fear holds me back from speaking up....and the fact that I know I can't pay for any help. I can also understand you losing your friends. It hurts so much to have to go to a funeral for someone who is far too young to die. Brings so many questions that you can never have answered.....I lost 4 friends...march will be two years since randy overdosed....march will also be one year since another friend of mine lost his life fighting for our country in Iraq....September will be 2 years....since my best friend died...and i take the blame for that....and then my friend jenny was found dead on her couch about 7 months ago... It tears me up I know that the loss of your friends had to really tears you up as well...I think that I could handle losing 3 of them....I think that I could have held it together....but losing my best friend and knowing that its my fault I cannot deal with...and I havent dealt with it... I wasnt allowed to say goodbye, I was forbidden to be at the veiwing or the funeral....his mother told me that she would call the police and have me escorted out if I showed up....looking back, I wish that I would have said I don't care, and went anyways...because I know that he would have wanted me took almost a year before i could go to his grave....I went up on his birthday last august...he would have turned 21...I took him a dozen white roses with black tips...they were the most beautiful flowers ive ever seen....but all I could do was walk to his grave lay them down say happy birthday and walk away....I've never dealt with this because I dont know how this day I've shed not one tear over this...I just keep pushing it all away inside...because i know that its too hard to deal with....I want to let it out, but almost all of my friends turned their backs on me when it happened because they all blame me as I mean I dont have anyone to let it out to... crazyness...
Anyways, back to you...Don't listen to your father, dont let him make you feel that small... no one has the right to make you feel badly about yourself, and I know that he did that... You know money is the cause of a lot of fights, and its ridiculous... And you made a choice to what school that you wanted to go to...and that doesnt make it a terrible decision hun....if thats where you want to be then there are ways to help you pay for can get grants, and scholarships and financial aid...there are things to help pay for your education.....And plus a lot of schools u can pay for your education once you've graduated and started your carreer. Look into all of your options hun....because remember that when one door closes another always opens, sometimes its just really hard to find...Also, are your friends there when you need them? Would they do anything for you, and you do anything for them? Can you trust them? Can they trust yuo? If so then your dad is wrong, weither he thinks they are crappy or not, they aren't. They aren't his friends, he didnt choose them....its not like a family that he choose for you....this is your choice and weither he likes it or not he can't control that part of your life, and I think that bothers him. I think that he wants you to have the friends that he would choose for you... And just because you shut yourself off from your family doesnt mean that the problems are all because of you... They may have surfaced when u shut urself out....but im sure that they were there already just under the surface being pushed back...Things like that cannot be blamed all on one person.... it takes everyone working together to make a family run smoothly....and if every single person isnt pulling then its going to get rocky sometimes....and im sure that u weren't the only one that backed off I dont want you to take all of the blame that yuor father is putting on's not good for anyone to have all the blame on their shoulders...believe me i know...I wish that I could write more, but its 3:30 and I have to work in the morning....Not like I sleep anyways, but I always try...just end up writing until about 7 and I get up at 8....its real rough. I always look horrible....a guy I work with the other day asked me who punched me in the eyes? and I was like what are you talking about?? and he told me to go look in the mirror that I have two black eyes.... its the dark circles under my eyes from not really looks like someone punched me in each eye....i think a lot of when i realized that i was losing a lot of weight....i have a tattoo on my stomach, well my hip, like 3 inches below my belly button and a little to the right.....i noticed i was losing a lot of weight when my tattoo started shrinking and now it doesnt look anything like it did before... i dunno...ive gotta get goin...take care of urself meg....keep ur head up hun okay...and when u need me im here

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