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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Hey Chris. Call me Megan. I know what you mean when you said you don't go out and you shut yourself out from the rest of the world. I used to go out all the time. I was always the life of the party. I still can be at times, but I noticed a huge change in my social life. There's certain people that I've pretty much chosen to separate myself from. My room has become my sanctuary. But I have everything in here I need, so why leave? I know that nothing outside of my room is safe. It's inevitable. I will get yelled at. For one thing or another. But shutting myself out seems to only be causing problems too. Last night after I responded to your post, I walked to the bathroom. My dad managed to get a hold of me. I spent the next 40 minutes being forced to sit and listen to him. It's more like I was curled up in a little ball on the couch crying as hard as I ever had while he stood over me yelling and screaming at the top of his lungs about everything imaginable. Of course everything was my fault. I shut myself out from the family and in turn cause family problems. By doing this I have also created a terrible relationship with my dad. I blew $10,000 I made last year. I had made terrible decisions about where I wanted to go to school because now he doesn't know how I'm going to pay for it. I have a shytty personality and because of that I supposedly have no friends. The ones I do have he said are crappy. And everything terrible going on in my life is, according to him, self-inflicted. I had never been so insulted in my life.

It does suck when people don't recognize me, but then I kind of think to myself, isn't that almost what I wanted this whole time? Maybe I don't recognize myself anymore. I'm so thankful for the people that still see me as the person I've always been. I know they are the people that will always be there for me regardless of what is happening in my life.

I think jealousy is an issue for a lot of my friends. In my circle of friends, I am supposedly the smart, cute, thin one. Some of them get judgmental very quickly. These most often seem to be the people that have had poor self esteem issues in the past or that did and still do.

The whole school issue...I'm not sure what I would do. Being thin and getting a good education have always been two things I've worked extremely hard for over the years. Like, I can't give either one up. Most people would think that the two don't even compare, but they do to me. Just another sign that I have a problem. I've definitely put a lot of thought into what I would do. I want to say that it will never get to that point. However, realistically, I can't say that because I would have never thought it would have gotten as far as it did. But I guess if it was a life or death situation, I would take the time off. If anything bad were to happen to me because of this, I hope to god it is during summer so I don't miss anything, except a lot of work anyway.

I think there may have been a number of factors triggering this. It's another one of those questions that have boggled my mind for hours and days. I don't know if I'll ever know the entire answer to it. Yesterday, I was reading in my old diary from years ago. I couldn't believe what some of the entries said. Half of them talked about how much weight I wanted to lose, how long it was going to take me, and how I was going to do it. I was so young. I don't even know why I cared. I remember always being the bigger girl growing up. I was in no way, fat, but I was bigger. I know this bothered my mom, and I was often made fun of my other people. I had terrible self-esteem most of the time growing up. My mom always wanted me to be small. She used to tell me if I kept eating the way I did I would get fat. She used to tell me if I didn't eat so much, those old jeans would still fit. I would ask her if I looked fat. She would tell me that if I thought so, I should not eat so much. I remember when I was REALLY little she would exercise during the day. I must have been in kindergarten or first or second grade when she did this. One of the most dominant memories I have in my head was watching her walk up and down our basement steps for long periods of time. Even at this age, I was no idiot. I knew what she was doing. I remember long car rides, such as trips to Milwaukee, two hours away, I would concentrate on how small I thought her legs were. Then I would compare them to my own. I even used to go into my mom's sewing kit and take the tape measure. I would constantly take measures of how big certain parts of my body were. I used to take my mom's magazines and read all the articles about how to lose weight. I would exercise in the living room while telling my brother to eat all the food because I wasn't going to eat it anymore. I don't know if I was even old enough to know what fasting really was. I didn't think there was any problem with what I was doing. But even with all this, I still managed to grow up on the bigger side. I wasn't very cute at the time either. At least this is what I thought. The summer going into 8th grade, I knew I couldn't stand being the size I was anymore. I exercised all the time and ate very little. There was a significant difference in my weight. I hadn't noticed it much, but everyone else did, and so did the size of my pants. I went back to school looking pretty good. I was at a healthy weight, though I didn't do it a healthy way. And I didn't know anything about anorexia then or the little anorexia wannabe sites that you see all over the place now. That whole year though I still wanted to lose just another 5 pounds. I told myself, according to my diary, that I would be happy if I could just lose that much. When I was a freshman in high school I still wanted to be thinner. People would comment on how big my butt was. They didn't necessarily say it was a bad thing, but that's how I interpreted it. I remember over Christmas break I would go to basketball practice and not eat anything all day. Happily, I was 7 pounds lighter at the end of the week. Sophmore year I did not care about anything. I think it was probably the crazy boyfriend I had at the time. I was bad. Anyway, by the end of the year I had ballooned to almost 150 pounds. It hit me in about the middle of May how ugly I was. Looking in the mirror was unbearable. I started letting myself eat only 500 calories a day. I didn't see a problem with this either. By sometime in June I was 125 pounds. Throughout the course of that summer, I lost another 10 pounds. At this point, I hadn't had my period in 3 or 4 months. I started wondering if there was a problem with what I was doing. But what did I care? People were shocked when I went back to school. Junior year I was slightly better until about December or January. Life seemed as if it were spiraling downward. There were problems everywhere. My brother's ex-girlfriend died, my best friend was pregnant, and I was the only one who knew. By the end of that year I still managed to gain 10 pounds. So last June, I decided looking in the mirror was too hard. Also, my life was a wreck. I was working two jobs, 60 hours a week, to pay for an accident that I did not file a claim for. Not eating was one thing in my life that I could control. To this day I have no idea how thin I got last summer. I was too scared of what it might say. All I know is that I was bigger than I am now. This year, not eating was a control thing. Two of my friends had died, a couple went to jail/prison, my dad took off for a little while, I had college stress, work, school, and major problems with my home life that I'll spare you the time of reading. But i thought, well, at least I'll look cute. This is my all-time low...about 100 pounds. It used to be a goal. Now, I don't do goals. I don't care how often I weigh myself. If I don't think I'm getting smaller...I try harder. To top this off, what they say about being a perfectionist and having an eating disorder is so true. I'm one of those people that will go back and recross my "t" if it doesn't look right to me. I always got good grades in school and never settled for less. I didn't want to settle for less with my body either.

I really liked your poems by the way. They are very true and evident in my life. I like to write too, though I've never written one on my eating disorder. Maybe because it's still hard for me to admit that I have one. It's hard to even type/say the word. Thanks for letting me get this all out. I know that it's a lot. I also think that we could help each other out with this. I'll always be here for you too. Tell me whatever. Thanks again.

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