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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Hi got a can call me Chris....its not my full name, but thats what everyone calls me...all my friends....or the ones i used to have anyways....I've completely shut myself off from the world. I used to go out every nite...and I havent gone out in weeks. I work and I come home. I mean, why do I want to go out with people that just want to yell at me all the time. I know u can know where i am coming from. When I read what you wrote, it made me feel really good.... not because u have a problem, and not because of ur fears or anything like that.... but because I know that you understand me. You are the first person that ive spoke with ever, that I've felt can understand me, and for once its made me feel good. Like I swear just about everything you said I feel all the time to. You said that its helps u to feel better if u help other people with their problems, that its the only time you can really forget about yours. I am so much the same way. Day in and day out I am constantly listening to problems and solving them for friends and family. I mean I was on the phone until 1:30 with my exboyfriends little sister because her and her boyfriend broke up and she is hurting. And its the only only time I can forget for a little while that i have big problems. My family, also, struggles with financial step dad is a truck driver, my mom works at a big corp. a couple years ago my mom wrecked and broke her back, its been a daily struggle since...she just had her second back op on monday, its hard...and also a couple years ago my step dad had a stroke and like a month later he had a heartattack, at that time my mom was unemployed and with my step dad being a truck driver we had no income coming in, so things go rough. and they still are. I wanted to go to college. I wanted to go so bad. I want to be a child psychotherapist. I want to go to New York University in Albany....but it will never happen, I've learned to let go of my dream. I'm also a writer. I have about 5 of my poems published in different collective poetry books. Its always been another dream of mine to publish my own book, but its just hard.
You said that people don't recognize you anymore either. it sucks doesnt it. I completely understand how yuo feel, I too am the same on the inside, I dont know why people cant see that. A friend of mine I've had forever, lives about 4 hours away from me, she moved after high school....I actually started to talk to her about it earlier this morning because I needed someone to talk to that I knew wouldnt judge me and shes the only friend i have that wont judge me. she said "Chrissy I dont care if I dont recognize you on the outside because you are always the same chrissy you've always been on the inside and thats what I care about" It helped to know she didnt care, but when everyone else does its still hard. Because they see what they see and I see what I see. its like you say everything that I feel its said "I know that I need help, but I just can't do it. It's also depressing for me to know that all these people think im SO incredibly thing, by they wont take the time to help me when I cant help myself" That is so true. I even said that to a friend before. She was just yelling at me about it, and I told her, I was like you just yell, you say that im too skinny, but do you take the time to sit down, talk to me, try to understand me, or try to help? No all they want to do is judge. And I really think that a lot of it is that deep down inside of them, although they know we have a problem, they just wish they were half as thin....I think a lot of the arrogant ur just a problem is jealousy. But I also agree with u that u know if they did try to help i dont think I would accept it. my brother girlfriend is trying to help because she's been there, but I dont know, I still feel like she's judging me, because she will even yell at me about eating when she has been there. its so aggrivating. I know that you are scared. I can hear it in ur words. and it's okay to be scared....I think that as long as we are scared, then we know that we are sick, we know that something isnt right. But I want you to think about this, and answer it if you can find an answer for it....With your school....if you end up getting so thin that you can't function anymore, and u have to be put into a hospital to get well....then ur going to miss ur school, time u wont be able to get back with friends and other is very clear to me that ur education means a great deal to you. so what would happen if something happened and u had to quit school?? when u find an answer let me know...
Do you know of anything that maybe triggered ur ED or why it started? I had some trama in my life prior to my ED....and anytime more terrible things happen to me, it seems to get my best friend....he's dead...and its my fault....and ever since that happened one year n five months ago i just keep getting thinner and thinner...its like why should i care, why should i take care of me....when he cant take care of him why should i live when he can't and its my fault....i dunno....i have a few poems here i think u should read, u by no means have to, but i write, it helps to get things out because i dont have anyone to talk to about this really....and i write about anything else that bothers me, like the death of my friend....well friends....i would really like to K. I T with you...I think we could probably help each other out some, just by giving us a place to talk where someone else really does understand, and u can vent with me netime u need to vent, i will always listen...

I just can't believe
that everyone sees
something so different
such a humungous change in me.
It really hurts my feelings
that everyone has to say
"SO now tell me,
what have you had to eat today?"
Why do you have to know?!
Why even ask!
Because answering this question
has become a daily task
Tonite a new person
that never asked before
asked me how much ive lost
as soon as he opened the door
really why does it matter?
whats the big deal
you dont care about the causes
you just care about the missed meal!

I want to let you know
what I feel inside
I'm tired of always running
and always trying to hide.
I just hurt so bad
I know you can't understand
if I could fix it I would
but it is out of my hands.
I let this go to far
I'm not longer in control
its like a great big snow ball
that grows stronger as it rolls.
I thought I knew what I was doing,
how wrong could I be?
How could it get this far?
How come I couldn't see?
So I just keep on going
like everything is fine
even when it's not
and I really feel like dying.
Sometimes I get so dizzy
I feel like im gonna pass out
it makes me so damn angry
I just wanna scream and shout
I know I'm killing myself
but we're all going to die
and I can't fix it on my own
even tho I really try.
I can't go to the doctors
I have no way to pay
what if I'm really sick,
and they said I'd have to stay?
God I'm so scared,
someone please tell me what to do
or at least give me a hand
to help pull me through
what if something happens
all the sudden I'd collapse
would I have anyone there
would you even have my back.
So who can I depend on
when the tears fall?
Will you stop to talk
when on you I call?

hun you keep your head up and be strong. Its hard, and it sucks. But I'll be here to help you out. we can do this...maybe not by ourselves but together im sure we can.
Hey Chris. Call me Megan. I know what you mean when you said you don't go out and you shut yourself out from the rest of the world. I used to go out all the time. I was always the life of the party. I still can be at times, but I noticed a huge change in my social life. There's certain people that I've pretty much chosen to separate myself from. My room has become my sanctuary. But I have everything in here I need, so why leave? I know that nothing outside of my room is safe. It's inevitable. I will get yelled at. For one thing or another. But shutting myself out seems to only be causing problems too. Last night after I responded to your post, I walked to the bathroom. My dad managed to get a hold of me. I spent the next 40 minutes being forced to sit and listen to him. It's more like I was curled up in a little ball on the couch crying as hard as I ever had while he stood over me yelling and screaming at the top of his lungs about everything imaginable. Of course everything was my fault. I shut myself out from the family and in turn cause family problems. By doing this I have also created a terrible relationship with my dad. I blew $10,000 I made last year. I had made terrible decisions about where I wanted to go to school because now he doesn't know how I'm going to pay for it. I have a shytty personality and because of that I supposedly have no friends. The ones I do have he said are crappy. And everything terrible going on in my life is, according to him, self-inflicted. I had never been so insulted in my life.

It does suck when people don't recognize me, but then I kind of think to myself, isn't that almost what I wanted this whole time? Maybe I don't recognize myself anymore. I'm so thankful for the people that still see me as the person I've always been. I know they are the people that will always be there for me regardless of what is happening in my life.

I think jealousy is an issue for a lot of my friends. In my circle of friends, I am supposedly the smart, cute, thin one. Some of them get judgmental very quickly. These most often seem to be the people that have had poor self esteem issues in the past or that did and still do.

The whole school issue...I'm not sure what I would do. Being thin and getting a good education have always been two things I've worked extremely hard for over the years. Like, I can't give either one up. Most people would think that the two don't even compare, but they do to me. Just another sign that I have a problem. I've definitely put a lot of thought into what I would do. I want to say that it will never get to that point. However, realistically, I can't say that because I would have never thought it would have gotten as far as it did. But I guess if it was a life or death situation, I would take the time off. If anything bad were to happen to me because of this, I hope to god it is during summer so I don't miss anything, except a lot of work anyway.

I think there may have been a number of factors triggering this. It's another one of those questions that have boggled my mind for hours and days. I don't know if I'll ever know the entire answer to it. Yesterday, I was reading in my old diary from years ago. I couldn't believe what some of the entries said. Half of them talked about how much weight I wanted to lose, how long it was going to take me, and how I was going to do it. I was so young. I don't even know why I cared. I remember always being the bigger girl growing up. I was in no way, fat, but I was bigger. I know this bothered my mom, and I was often made fun of my other people. I had terrible self-esteem most of the time growing up. My mom always wanted me to be small. She used to tell me if I kept eating the way I did I would get fat. She used to tell me if I didn't eat so much, those old jeans would still fit. I would ask her if I looked fat. She would tell me that if I thought so, I should not eat so much. I remember when I was REALLY little she would exercise during the day. I must have been in kindergarten or first or second grade when she did this. One of the most dominant memories I have in my head was watching her walk up and down our basement steps for long periods of time. Even at this age, I was no idiot. I knew what she was doing. I remember long car rides, such as trips to Milwaukee, two hours away, I would concentrate on how small I thought her legs were. Then I would compare them to my own. I even used to go into my mom's sewing kit and take the tape measure. I would constantly take measures of how big certain parts of my body were. I used to take my mom's magazines and read all the articles about how to lose weight. I would exercise in the living room while telling my brother to eat all the food because I wasn't going to eat it anymore. I don't know if I was even old enough to know what fasting really was. I didn't think there was any problem with what I was doing. But even with all this, I still managed to grow up on the bigger side. I wasn't very cute at the time either. At least this is what I thought. The summer going into 8th grade, I knew I couldn't stand being the size I was anymore. I exercised all the time and ate very little. There was a significant difference in my weight. I hadn't noticed it much, but everyone else did, and so did the size of my pants. I went back to school looking pretty good. I was at a healthy weight, though I didn't do it a healthy way. And I didn't know anything about anorexia then or the little anorexia wannabe sites that you see all over the place now. That whole year though I still wanted to lose just another 5 pounds. I told myself, according to my diary, that I would be happy if I could just lose that much. When I was a freshman in high school I still wanted to be thinner. People would comment on how big my butt was. They didn't necessarily say it was a bad thing, but that's how I interpreted it. I remember over Christmas break I would go to basketball practice and not eat anything all day. Happily, I was 7 pounds lighter at the end of the week. Sophmore year I did not care about anything. I think it was probably the crazy boyfriend I had at the time. I was bad. Anyway, by the end of the year I had ballooned to almost 150 pounds. It hit me in about the middle of May how ugly I was. Looking in the mirror was unbearable. I started letting myself eat only 500 calories a day. I didn't see a problem with this either. By sometime in June I was 125 pounds. Throughout the course of that summer, I lost another 10 pounds. At this point, I hadn't had my period in 3 or 4 months. I started wondering if there was a problem with what I was doing. But what did I care? People were shocked when I went back to school. Junior year I was slightly better until about December or January. Life seemed as if it were spiraling downward. There were problems everywhere. My brother's ex-girlfriend died, my best friend was pregnant, and I was the only one who knew. By the end of that year I still managed to gain 10 pounds. So last June, I decided looking in the mirror was too hard. Also, my life was a wreck. I was working two jobs, 60 hours a week, to pay for an accident that I did not file a claim for. Not eating was one thing in my life that I could control. To this day I have no idea how thin I got last summer. I was too scared of what it might say. All I know is that I was bigger than I am now. This year, not eating was a control thing. Two of my friends had died, a couple went to jail/prison, my dad took off for a little while, I had college stress, work, school, and major problems with my home life that I'll spare you the time of reading. But i thought, well, at least I'll look cute. This is my all-time low...about 100 pounds. It used to be a goal. Now, I don't do goals. I don't care how often I weigh myself. If I don't think I'm getting smaller...I try harder. To top this off, what they say about being a perfectionist and having an eating disorder is so true. I'm one of those people that will go back and recross my "t" if it doesn't look right to me. I always got good grades in school and never settled for less. I didn't want to settle for less with my body either.

I really liked your poems by the way. They are very true and evident in my life. I like to write too, though I've never written one on my eating disorder. Maybe because it's still hard for me to admit that I have one. It's hard to even type/say the word. Thanks for letting me get this all out. I know that it's a lot. I also think that we could help each other out with this. I'll always be here for you too. Tell me whatever. Thanks again.

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