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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Last Saturday I tried to make myself throw up for the first time. That is something I said I would NEVER do. I didn't succeed but the point is I actually tried....what was I thinking?? I felt so incredibly fat and felt like I had eaten way too much. I had gained a pound of water weight from eating too much sodium and I was just desperate to get rid of it. When I came out of the bathroom my b/f asked me if I was ok because he heard me gagging. I just told him I had some stuff in my throat I was trying to get up. I know I have a problem, but I just don't know where to put myself or what to consider myself. I wouldn't say I'm anorexic. I do eat and I eat 6 times a day. 3 meals and 3 snacks but only a total of around 1200-1400 calories. Always more on weekends though because we always go out to eat and I usually totally binge. But last weekend was the first time I tried to purge. I just felt like absolute crap after that. I know I would have felt alot worse if I actually would have succeeded. I'm underweight but not extremely. I'm 5 feet tall and 93-94 pounds. I weigh myself constantly. The number on the scale in the morning predicts my whole day. It's like I want to see that number go down more and more even though I know I'm only hurting myself. I'm so afraid of gaining weight and when I do gain a pound I completely freak out. I stand in front of my mirror naked everyday and pick out the areas of my body I don't like and need to work harder on. There is always several it seems like but of course to everyone else I'm so tiny and thin. One of the areas I hate the most is my inner thighs. I not only limit calories and fat but sodium too because I retain water so easily which is probably more than likely from not getting enough calories. I know what I have to do to be healthy but my fear of gaining weight is so intense that it keeps me from doing those things. I just want to be healthy, normal. I used to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and never gained an ounce. I weighed 110 pounds before I had my daughter (who is 7 months now) and I never counted calories or cared about my weight. I would eat double cheeseburgers, supersize fries, half of a large pizza, and so much more and never gained. My fear of weight gain started during my pregnancy. I only gained 15 pounds during my pregnancy. I went up to 125. I immediately lost that after having her and went back down to 110 then I wanted to get down to 105 so I did, then 100, so I did, I wanted to stop there but since I've lost 6-7 pounds more and I know I'll continue to if I keep it up. I just wish I could enjoy eating like I used to and just not worry. I know I would definently gain now though because my metabolism is lower from cutting calories and after having a baby. That's one reason I'm afraid to increase calories. I really don't want to gain weight, but I don't want to lose anymore. I want to maintain my weight and be able to eat normally. I actually envy people that don't care what they eat now. Even people that's a bit overweight, they are just so much happier. I exercise 4-5 times a week, sometimes 6 when I get time. But only for 30 minutes at a time, I do pilates. So I don't over exercise. I'm on zoloft for anxiety/depression. I've had problems with anxiety/depression for quite awhile. Through most of my teen years. I'll be 20 in a few weeks. I'm a complete perfectionist. I also have OCD. Everything in our apartment has to be clean and in perfect order. I just feel everything has to be perfect which I know is impossible because nobody's life is perfect and it just puts an extreme amount of stress on me which is where my anxiety comes from. I'm also a full time college student in my first semester of the associate degree nursing program. And again...I'm a perfectionist when it comes to school. I feel like I have to get straight A's and maintain my 4.0. I study ALOT. I guess there is nothing wrong with that but I just need to accept the fact that everything can't be perfect and my life is so far from it that I don't know why I even think things should be perfect. Can anyone relate to my situation? I'm just so tired of all of this. I just want to be normal that too much to ask??? Do you think I'm really anorexic or just somewhere in between? Please I just need some replies. I'm just really down today.

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