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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Re: Is it...
Mar 25, 2005
My problem has been going on for about..a month now... yea.. only a month.. but.. Over the past two weeks I've lost 10 lbs. I haven't thrown up like.. a lot.. Only a few times.. but.. Its like.. if I don't throw up, or try to throw up, I don't eat.. and I feel guilty.. and bad.. and.. like, I feel so bad.. eating..ugh.. I feel like I'm going to throw up when I'm around food.. and I try to only eat when I'm reallly really hungry, and even then I don't eat a lot. But.. I don't know.. I mean, this really is an eating disorder isn't it?? I haven't told anyone.. not even my friends.. and.. My best friend, she used to have an eating disorder, bulimia.. and she got through it. And I helped her through it, and you know.. and she was strong enough to get passed it, and she eats healthy now I think, and she is you know, not in that state.. but. me.. gosh.. I really just hate myself.. I feel so fat and ugly all the time. I never used to feel fat or anything, even when I was bigger than I am now.. I do'nt think that this problem has gotten terribly bad.. its not like I am really skinny and boney and stuff.. I mean, I"m still fat.. I mean, I'm 5'5" and 125 lbs.. 16 years old.. *sighs*. About two weeks ago I was 136-138 lbs, and now I'm 125.. people can't really tell.. well, a few people have asked me, but. I just hate food, I really do. I wish we didn't have to eat..but.. the only time I REALLY eat is at school, because i don't want my friend (the one that was bulimic) to think somethings wrong, or something.. I'm not sure if she can "sense" that something is wrong though..because.. she umm.. well, a few times I went to the bathroom, trying to make myself throw up after I ate lunch, but.. i didn't. and I guess I was gone for a while, and.. in the next class she asked me why I went to the bathroom.. which is kind of wierd.. Should I talk to my friend about it? I mean, she used to have one, bad.. and .. maybe she could help me? I just don't know what to do.. my parents... I don't think that think anything is terribly wrong, but.. a few times they were asking me if I starved myself cuase I didn't want to eat dinner.. I just.. I honestly didn't ever think it was that big of a deal..and.. I kind of still don't..but.. a part of me knows this is bad...

Why do we have to eat? I mean, I feel so bad after I eat, even if its only like.. a small thing, like an apple, or a piece of bread.. I just.. I feel like I'm going to be sick everytime I eat, or smell food.. ugh..... I hate being fat though..

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