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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Re: Is it...
Mar 25, 2005
I dont know.. I just dont know anymore.. My friends say I'm not fat, but how do I know if they are lying?? And... my parents say i'm not but they are your parents and they wont sit there and say "your fat"... its just.. *sighs*.... I don't know.. I hate this.. I don't want to think about it.but..I guess I do have an eating disorder.. what's wrong with me?? How'd this happen?? I seriously think I'm way overweight, really.. Okay, umm.. presssures in my life.. yea.. things going on in my life.. yea.. I posted this really long thing on the depression forum, its about how I feel.. Its really long though, but I think I'll post it here... I'm copying/pasting so if it seems like its directed to someone else, its just cause I posted it there first... goes..

Yea, I guess I am really depressed.... *sighs*..

Umm, well. I feel that I'm never good enough for my parents... I mean, I'm an A student, and I feel so pressured to get A's ALL the time. I mean, sometimes when I'm having trouble with something, and like, if I get an A- or something, my parents freak out. Its just.. so much pressure to be perfect, when no one can be perfect, its impossible... so.. if i get like a b or something I start getting really upset, because I know my parents will be so disapointed and.. I take the highest level classes available at my school and they still are never happy with what I do.. Another thing, I'm so into music.. i'm in the band at school and I just love playing my instrument and I practice like everyday.. but.. these past few weeks I have just been soo.. depressed, so I haven't practiced like an hour every day like I usually do. and my parents say I'll never get anywhere if I do'nt practice like an hour at lesat everyday. Its just.. a lot of pressure.. and maybe its cause of other things that I am kind of making a big deal out of all of this... its just.. they always bring me down.. I still practice, I still play my instrument, I am still making good grades! Why can't they be happy for me?? its like nothing I do is right...

My friends are a major problem too.. Like.. Last year was a pretty rough year friends-wise, but I could handle it because that was my only problem, ya know? But this year... i mean.. everything was great. Over the summer, I had this best friend, and when I went to visit my grandparents house, she called me long distance just to talk to me. We were so close, like sisters. THen, she started doing things, like messing around with guys, literally, and.. she got this new boyfriend, who she has been obsessed with since August.. he's her whole life. And as soon as she started dating him, she just ditched me literally, and focused her entire life on him. Then, after a while she started getting really close with one of my other friends, and now they are best friends, but her new best friend is miserable... she is always talking to me about my "ex best friend".. and.. It just hurt me so bad, that she would jsut.. leave me like that.. Now, she laughs about it and says "yea we used to be best friends but look what happened." I know that best friends come and go, but it was probably also other circumstances that led me to take it this way..

In november my closest and most loved teacher passed away from a heart attack.. its been really rough for me. He was my band director. He loved music so much, and.. he made me want to become a better person, and a better musician. He would stay in his office during lunch time and help me with my instrument, and he had so many goals for me and so many things that he wanted me to accomplish.. he wanted me to be eligible for all-state and to be the best that I coudl be.. and.. it just happened all of a sudden. I loved him so much. The night before he passed away he had a concert at this college, and I went to go listen to him.. he was fine then.. I saw him.. and.. Only hours later he passed away, and I got that call from a friend that he had died.. It was so hard.. i miss him so much. Not a day goes by that I do'nt think of him, or cry about it. I love him so much, and its just so hard to let go.. I went to the funeral and everything, and I saw him in the casket, but.. I just thought he would pop up or something and say "did you really think I was going to leave". Why did he have to leave me.. why...I just... I miss him so much everyday.. and band isn't the same anymore.. nobody cares anymore, and.. I just.. I want to make him proud still, and.. I've done okay. I made a few honors bands and did the things that he wanted me to accomplish, but.. he wasn't here.. he wasn't here to help me and.. he isn't here. Oh my goodness.. I am crying now... I just miss him so much. He was like a father to me, really. He didn't judge me, and he always helped me.. he was such a great person inside and out. He was only 52 years old. And I love him so much.. .... He left behind a wife, and 2 children.. and many people at school and that knew him in music and stuff... How could God take him away..yea.. so.. My depression really started in November.. yea..

Now, I feel like I've been losing my friends, and.. I know that friends come and go.. but. Its like. I feel like I'm losing everyone. I have 3 best friends right now, and not many aquaintances, but that's okay. Because the three friends I have are great. The only problem is that two of them are sisters, and.... one sister gets upset with me cause she thinks I trust the other one more and that we are closer, and then the other sister gets upset because she feels that her sister talks to me more than her.. and my other friend. She's really troubled right now too.. well.. not as bad as me. but. She.. she's sad all the time, and she's in a weird relationship w/ this guy..nad..yea.. my other friends.. my god.. One of them has sex unprotected all the time with guys she doesn't even know if she likes that much.. she drank.. cut herself.. and god knows what else. One of my other friends was bulimic and cut herself last year.. my other friend right now thinks she is so fat and she cuts the word fat into herself regularly...and.. 2 of my friends are still grieving the loss of our teacher.. because they are in band too.. I just don't want my three best friends to be so sad, and I feel that i am just bringing them down, and I'm a burden to them if I tell them all this stuff that I am saying right now.. I try to start talkign to them, but.. I just dont want to cause more problems for them...

My self esteem is shot to hell.... I have no self esteem. I hate myself, and .. I just .. i hhate everything. I feel so fat and ugly... I used to have severe acne last year, but went on Accutaine and got that cleared up, now I don't have acne, but I have the scars left. Which is okay, because i'm glad that the acne is gone.. and make up covers up the scars..but.. what i went through during my acne.. people making fun of me.. talking behind my back.. looking me up and down like I was a freak.. it really just got to me.. and being fat doesn't help it either. I recently lost 10 lbs (in the past two weeks-you can read about that in the eating disorder thread) and.. I'm still fat which is sad.. 5'5" and 125 lbs is NOT GOOD! But it doesn't matter! I hate myself for being fat, and I hate being fat!! I don't even eat that much.. god I just really don't like myself..

A lot of my relatives are ill, either dying or permanantly sick.. My young cousin has autism and it hurts me so bad to see him that way..... It really does.. My uncle has an uncurable lung disease, and he is expected to die soon... my cousin is being tested for thyroid cancer, or some other type of cancer.. my grandmother.. she has this infection in her lungs, and I think something is wrong with her. Because I over heeard my parents talking about her being in the hospital, and I know something is wrong but they wont tell me! I have asked them so many times what's wrong with her, and no.. they wont tell me, because I guess they think I can't handle the truth... but me sitting here thinking, and wondering what's going on with her, thinking of the worst isn't necessarily helping.. I love my grandma so much, she is one of the most important people in my life, and.. I just wish I knew what was wrong.. my goodness.. i'm shaking..god help me..

I just.... theres more.. but.. I just can't think of it right now, and Ithink my parents are coming up here.. Oh wait. there is more.. I used to have a xanga account where i posted stuff you konw, how i felt. Not really like how I'm posting now, but just for my friends to read. And I had some poems on there, depressing poems, and my sister told me that my parents go on the computer and they read them.. they read my sites.. and go under the things i've went under, and they snoop around my room and they are trying to figure things out about me!! they are nosey and they are trying to secretly get in my life instead of just asking me...

By the way, what I mentioned about my losing weight.. well. I think I have an eating disorder.. like I said, you can read the eating disorder forums if you want.. I posted there.. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Okay, I think I'm done venting now.. for the moment.. I feel really jittery.. so.. I think I'm going to go on a walk with my sister or something.. thanks for trying to help you guys.. If you guys have any more advice please feel free to post here.. thank you so much.

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