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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Hi everyone, this is my first post and I am writing here because I really donít know where else to go. I am a recovering Diabulimic as of 2 years last month. For those of you who are not aware of Diabulimia, here is something I pulled off the web

Diabetics who manipulate their intake of life-saving Insulin in order to temporarily alter their weight. "Diabulimia" is extremely serious for many reasons, as it has a doubled rate of physical toll taken on the body than diabetes or an eating disorder alone. Playing with keytone levels, dehydration, kidney functioning and blindness is just the beginning of this desperate combination of body loathing.

Because of this illness I developed severe complications which inturn led to several surgeries. I was on pain killers for years and because of the constipating effects, had to take laxatives. Even when I was no longer taking pain killers by body was reliant on the laxatives. That is issue number 1, 7 years later, I am still taking laxatives.

Issue 2, because I stopped low dosing (reducing the needed amount of insulin) I gained weight which made me begin to low carb to loose it. I reduced my food intake to only meat and cheese and small amount of veggies. After a while, that stopped working so I cut out the veggies, completely which made my constipation problem worse and I needed to increase the laxatives. At this point, I barely eat 1,000 calories a day and skip meals often. It is very likely that I could eat anywhere from 500-1000 calories a day.

Issue number 3. When I want to loose weight I need to keep decreasing my caloric intake which means I gradually eat nothing.

When I eat a large meal (I think it is large) I feel extremely guilty which causes me to purge. I can go out for dinner and eat a chicken breast and salad and feel that I overate. I will purge it all out till there is nothing left.
I only do this twice a week, at the most.

My typical day of eating consists of the following:
10am - low carb bar - 200 calories
Lunch - 1 can of tuna, low fat mayo, cube of feta cheese, cucumber slices, sugar free jello, sugar free cookie - 350 calories
Dinner - 4 slices of turkey, low fat shredded cheese, bacon bits, low fat mayo - 150 calories

I also think I have body dismorphic, which is obvious for someone with an eating disorder. I used to weight about 220 pounds and now am about 145 (I am 5'7) and although I can fit into a size 8, I look into the mirror and I see a fat person.

I have never talked about this with anyone and no one has any idea of my issues and even when I think to myself I think "me, have an eating disorder, no way". I guess I am in denial, even though I know there is something wrong.

I just want to be normal and not have to think about every little single thing I put into my mouth. I donít go on dates because I am afraid that guys will think I am overweight. I am know I am attractive as I have modeled in the past but there is something very weird going on with me. I swear, when I look into the mirror, I see myself but everything is distorted. My face is not attractive and my body is overweight.

I am scared for my health and I am sure I have several eating disorders, besides the diabulimia. I am diabetic and everything hits me double hard. I am addicted to laxatives and if I try to go off, I find it impossible to go to the bathroom. I have had colonics but nothing helps.

I long to be thin or thinner and all I do is think about food, my looks, what I am going to eat, how I am gaining weight and how can I loose it. I exercise everday but nothing seems to work anymore. I need help, bad!

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