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Heya, sorry I havent posted in a couple of days, ive been soooo busy! I weighed myself this morning and I weigh - 93lbs eeekkkkk! My goal weight to stay at was 91lbs and i'm now 2lbs over! it doesn't sound alot but to me it sucks!
I now definatly know what you mean about being hungry on your period! But its not like im really hungry, I just end up going to the fridge and eating ice cream even if I dont want to, I just do it without thinking. Yestaday I ate a bowl of cereal (Bran Flakes) which is roughly 154 cals but I then burnt it off. And then I skipped lunch because I was having an exam but when I got home, I ate SO much chocolate ice cream it was UNBELIEVABLE! and didnt have time to burn it off because I went to my boyfriends house! There I ate a small bit of pasta salad at his house which I guess isn't too bad because I only had a really little bit. But I got so hungry after, that he gave me two candy bars which I DIDNT refuse! BIG MISTAKE! I couldn't even eat one in front of him so I hid it and ate in the bathroom i was THAT hungry its soooooo bad!

Then today. I had a bowl of Bran Flakes as usual. I went to my exam and the weather was really really hot!!!! (well hot for england any ways.) and so me and my friend went to get an icecream from the shop so I had a marsbar ice cream (My fav :nono: ) and also a candy bar :eek: !!!!! Then if the worst wasnt the worst!!!!!! My friend came over and said did we want to eat his chips he had brought from the shop so we shared them!!!! GOSH!
Now i'm just about to go have my tea Mum has cooked, dunno what it is yet, but im going to try and not eat too much of it, I just get caried away when I see food for me to eat, I feel SOOOO guilty (Like you say you do) after eating something! I honestly feel really bad for eating those chips! Urgh I feel like a fat pig!

I think the control idea that was said just before my post is a really interesting theory for me!! I was talking to my boyfriend yestaday and he was getting annoyed because I wasn't paying enough attention to him and was always distracted with other friends at school. Which is true because I dont really talk to him much at school. and so we started having an argument and he said he wanted me to commit more to him, and let him in all of my life instead of part of it. And I kept thinking I want something to myself, and sometimes I feel everyone is controlling MY life. My parents are always telling me to revise for exams and are always TRYING to monitor what I eat, etc etc. and I dont have time to do what I want to do!

Dont get me wrong though, my family is well layed back I just get over stressed! I can go out and have fun and my parents arn't that strict. But they still control what I can and can't do!
I never want to upset my boyfriend so i'm always thinking about what will make him happy and what will upset him!
But somethings I want to do what i want to do!
So I guess my eating problem.....I can control! I can increase, decrease it. Start it Stop it (though not for long) what ever I want with it! It makes me feel good (if I don't eat anything) and lets me get away from things!
What do you think about that?
Do you feel the same?

Post back
Im alwayz here
Love ya
Hannie xxx
Hey hun,

Yea, my mum sorta knows about this eating problem, or at least she THINKS she knows. She thinks that I eat at school, and eat tea with her and eat breakfast when she makes me, but she knows I will skip it if I get the chance.
But she couldn't be more wrong. I can't eat at school....however much I try. If I try so hard, ill put food in my mouth and end up spitting it out or take one mouthful, feel sick, and throw the rest away. I just can't bring myself to eat in front of my friends. I don't do it for attention, i hate those people that think they have a problem when they dont (like you said about your best friends sister). I hate it that people can sit and complain that they arn't eating to get comfort from their friends....its PHYFETIC! The fact with me is that I really can't eat infront of them, it makes me feel so horrible, I dont crave for people to notice that im not eating and to ask why, I just dont want to! If I get the chance I will skip any meal possible.
and I lie to my parents about how much I eat, they think I eat at school but I dont! Ill throw it away or hide it in the cupboard or something!

Unlike you, I find it MORE difficult NOT to eat infront of my family becasue they end up trying to force feed me, shout at me or ban me from going out etc. etc. Though like you, I find it easier not to eat infront of my friends. If we go out for a meal, I normally order something and then dont eat it. Now they don't really ask why, they might say 'are you going to eat that? and ill just say 'no'. They might ask why but I just say im not hungry and then the subject is dropped.

I also find it sooo easy not to eat when Im busy.... so thats what I mainly do.....keep my self occupied so I dont have to think about eating.

I obviously dont no what you look like.....but it sounds to me like you are say youv'e lost 15lbs.....WOW! Thats alot to loose. But I know what you mean about not being happy. I always said to myself Ill just loose a couple of pounds under 100 and ill be fine. Now ive lost about 7-8lbs and im not happy....its not as much as 15lbs, but im working on it.
I also wear really baggy clothes for like 3 weeks while I loose more weight and then when im slightly happier ill wear a tighter top, but no one seems to notice that im skinner.....probably becasue Im NOT!!!!! it frustrates me soooo much that i starve and starve and weigh less and less but still im not thinner!!!!!!!! It's a horride feeling to think that ive done this for so long and there's things coming up like parties and going away where I want to be super thin but there's hardly any time left to get that thin! Yeh ok I might not weigh very much but i look like I weigh more! Its so ANNOYING!

What does your mum and dad think about you dieting? If my mum knew I was tring to diet I think she would freak out and say i dont need to and try to get me to eat loads....more or less like she is now.

Maybe you do look really skinny and thats why your instructor noticed.....I surpose it could be your dad telling him, tho is yorur dad and him good friends, because wouldn't it be a little wierd for your dad just to say 'tell her she's looking thin' ? I dunno!?!
I think if people like your friends really do say that your becoming thinner, sit down with your best friend and say....." keep saying im thin, but I dont know if your telling the truth. Please tell me, do you really honestly think im loosing weight? or am I looking the same as i was." Im sure she will understand if youv'e talked about it before. If its just one friend and you are really close (like you say you are) then im sure she will open up and really tell you the truth. She can see that it will hurt you if she lies. Then you'll know, and you can always tell by someones face if they are lying to you or not!
It could work!

I dont get people telling me im looking thin! Becasue really I look no different then I did 4 months ago! I wish I did! at partys I breathe in because i feel toooo fat! Do you ever do that?

Next weekend I am camping at a festival with my friends, and the only way my dad is letting me go is if I drink this wierd medican reccomended by the nutrtionist! Its horride red stuff which I have to drink twice a day! and I also have to eat 3 meals a day, NO CHANCE! If my dad finds out tho that I havent been eating that much I can't go! I have to really hide it from him coz there is no way I can eat 3 meals a day, im barely eating 1!

I have the same satisfaction of people saying im looking smaller so I want to eat less!!!! I dont know why!!!! when I first told my friends about the disorder, they told me how they did notice me not eating and stuff, and how they got really worried when I kept throwing my food away, but instead of that helping me, it just made me want to do it even more because it made me feel like maybe I am getting somewhere with it all!!!!

Again, it almost sounds selfish when I say I want people to notice that im thin, its like I want attention, but thats not how I see it, I wish I didnt have to think about being fat all the time, but I do, and I want people to notice.... I cant STOP thinking about it!

When I first told my friends at the party, some boys were listening outside the door to the whole convi and then one said to me the next day...
'Hey I heard that you were crying upstairs at the party about how you dont eat' and laughed at me! I was sooo upset!! The thing is that its noones buisness apart from those who i have told personally! I cant believe someone can laugh at that! and the thing is that ive been trying so hard to avoid looking like a phyfetic girl who is trying to get attention! They dont have a clue what I really go through, they think they have got me all figured out but they no Jack S***!

Yea, my agency sounds fab! Its nOt! Ive been with them nearly 2 year and I have had NO shoots! its crap! they obviously hate the way I look! it makes me feel s***! and my contract runs out next year! URGH! it really isnt as glamourous as it sounds!

I remember my first year at secondary school......I think you call it highschool !?! best friend was soooo pretty and always outgoing but also really loyal, anyway all the boys loved her, but me....well im quite quiet anyway and didnt talk to many boys, they all made fun of me and I went home crying somedays or just feeling really bad. Still now... apart from my boyfriend, no boys fancy me, or look at me much, some make fun of me still! its horride I hate them, i feel soooo ugly! I wish I could just start over! The thing is, my friends that boys fancy are really out going and can talk to anyone and are really pretty.
But im just.......ugly!
I can go around on my own, e.g walk down the corridor or go down to the town on my own and it doesn't bother me! But some people stick to each other so much and dont go out inless they are in a big crowd, and so they get noticed more! I might as well b invisable!
and my 'friends' never call me. I always end up calling them. It sounds like im such a loner! such a wierdo without anyfriends! They would prefer to do things without me! I feel so alone!

How you doing today lv?
Hope ya ok!
Love Hannie xxx

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