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I was just in the bathroom for half an hour trying to make myself throw up... i did a little bit..but not enough to make me happy.. what's happening...........
[QUOTE=troubled_teen12]I was just in the bathroom for half an hour trying to make myself throw up... i did a little bit..but not enough to make me happy.. what's happening...........[/QUOTE]


Eating disorders take on many forms. You don't have to be skin and bones to be anorexic or bulimic. The website the previous poster posted is very helpful, please take a look at it. It sounds like you have some serious stuff going on. I would definitely seek help. I'm 34 and have been in treatment for over two years. I've been anorexic, bulimic, and a compulsive overeater since childhood. Believe me, I wish I would have gotten help way sooner.
[QUOTE=troubled_teen12]Yesterday all I ate was special K and I went downtairs and ate 2 strawberries and I felt so guilty for eating... so guilty.. I felt guilty for eating the little bit of special K that I did and then I ate some strawberries, only 2 and I about freaked out.. it was so bad that I wanted to cut myself.... I exercised afterwards of course, but then I got so tired after only 40 minutes... I guess its from not getting enough nutrients or whatever.. but then today I ate an even smaller amount of special k, with nothing like milk or sugar of course, and I felt bad for eating.. I didn't eat lunch, and I'm definitly not eating dinner, and if I do end up eating anything ill probably try to throw up.. that's my plan for today.. I have to keep myself busy so i wont eat. I used to punish myself for eating by cutting myself, but now I dont even do that, I just don't eat.... I did punish myself yesterday though... I started hitting myself really hard with this metal thing on my side and now I have a big bruise on my hip.. I can't eat... and I can't tell anyone.. I just.. can't.. I do'nt know how.. the one person that I do trust the most in this world, my best friend... I could tell her I guess, but it would be hard.. I've been trying to tell her for about 2 months now, when it first started, but now its getting worse.. From what you guys said though, it doens't sound like I have an eating disorder, so maybe its nothing to worry about.. maybe i'm fine.. I mean, I really do'nt think i have an eating disorder.. I deserve this anyways..[/QUOTE]

The mere fact that you're saying you deserve to treat yourself this way says that you have a serious problem (regardless of what it is!), please get yourself some help [I][B]now[/B][/I]. No one deserves to be treated in such a way. A professional won't judge you, if that's what you're worried about. It's their job to listen, not judge. Seeing someone who has experience in these areas is [B]vital[/B]. It would also be even better if you could find someone with personal experience. As for the self-injury things you describe, they often go hand-and-hand with eating disorders, especially anorexia. There've been many, many times I hit myself in the head with my hand repeatedly to the point of having a concussion. Eating disorders in and of themselves are self-injurious. Don't minimize your problem, it will only make it worse, believe me.
I told my best friend yesterday at school. I had been starving myself that day, and she was telling me how only I could stop this, and that I should try to stop it on my own, and that she wouldn't tell anyone, and that she'd be here for me. She told me to try to eat more and try to get better, and .. I dunno.. it really hit me, and i realized how much she cared. So, when I came home I decided to eat something to try to get better. I ate something, and I guess since I didn't relaly eat the day before, and I hadn't ate all day I just like ate a lot I guess for that day.. I had 900 calories yesterday and I felt so bad.. I was in the bathroom trying to make myself throw up for the longest time but I just couldn't... so instead I cut myself 11 times to punish myself for eating too much.....I don't know what came over me yesterday. I do'nt know if its because I was on my period or something, and I heard that that makes you more hungry, but I was just like... I dunno.. So today, I had this plan for not eating all day long to make up for yesterday, but I had exams and my mom practically forced me to eat breakfast..ugh.. and I talked to my friend some more and when I told her about tyring ot throw up and how I felt so bad, I could tell it was hurting her and I promised her that I would try to eat today, so I did.. I've had......600 calories today, and agian.. I feel so guilty.. guilty enough to go make myself throw up, but I just can't... I don't know if its a mental block or something.. so hopefully i'll exercise for like an hour or more to try to burn it off so I wont get fat... but I just dont know.. I hate this...... i hate it i hate it..... I don't know if its getting better or not.. physcologically, no......but.. god... why did I have to promise her I would eat.. hopefully tomorrow I'll be too busy to eat.. yea.. I'll keep myself busy so I wont have to.....I'm not eating for the rest of the night either... i'm going to get even fatter at the rate I'm going.. i hate being fat....
Hey, just wondering....whats your height and your weight, and how old are you.
Im going through a similar thing though I dont cut myself, I know how stressful it can be tho! today I have only eaten 346 cals.... really I have eaten about 650 but I burned alot doing exercise. Ive now told some of my friends, thank god, and they are really surportive about the whole thing as Im sure your friends seem to be as well. The most calorie intake for a women is 2000 cals. I dont mean for you to try and eat that many, but just so you see eating 900 or 600 cals isnt that bad at all, its prob even less then you should be eating. I also cant make my self throw up ive tried and tried but I cant so I cant help u there I aint gotta clue but I think mayb because I dont eat enough I dont have anything to throw up :s
As im in the same situation (sorta) as you, I dont feel I have the right to tell you its really really bad and stuff like that because its easier to say it then to attually do it, I mean I know its bad as im sure you do but just saying it prob wont make you stop. Because if I say it to myself ill just end up starving the next day any way.
Though also I do know, even if I dont eat all day, I force myself at least to have breakfast, even if it is just a smoothie, honestly I know for a fact that breakfast starts off you matabolism so that if you eat anything in the day it helps digestion flow better so you wont put on as much weight if you do end up eating in the day, honestly trust me on that!!!
I also have my exams at school at the mo and my mum is always on my back for not eating I hate it!
Tho your friend is just worried about you, as any friend would be. I cant say much more because I dont really get it myself and I dont really know.
But im here for you im going through it all as well.
:s :s :s
Hanniex
Hannie,

I really hope that everything works out with you and your boyfriend, but I'm sure it will. Guys just get jeolous when they aren't the complete focus of your attention, ya know? Guys are guys.. lol

Hmm.. about the nutritionalist and doctor. Why exactly does your mom want you to go? Does she know about your eating and stuff, or do you think she's just worried? My parents are always threatening to send me to someone, like a physciatrist or something when they think I'm not eating enough, but lately they've kind of backed off, its wierd. Sometimes they accuse me of starving myself, or saying that I'm not eating enough on purpose to make myself sick and stuff. But usually I just laugh about it and say "Are you crazy? Do you think I could actually not eat enough?" And then I guess they believe me cause they usually stop talking about it, but I dunno.

In a few weeks I'm leaving for camp, and I can't wait, not for the experience entirely, but so that I will be so busy that hopefully I wont have any time to eat anything, or just to not eat a lot. Because laying around at home, there is so many temptations, and its so boring at the house... I just do'nt wanna start eating a lot and get like really fat or something. Also, my grandparents are coming to visit, and I'm gonna go camping with some friends in like a week, and I am sooo looking forward to those because I'm thinking.. I can keep myself busy by having lots of fun, and I can say no to food when I'm out, because usually I use the excuse of that food not being in my "diet plan" so I don't eat, and people understand. For some reason its easier for me to say no to food when my friends and family are around, because they all know that i'm dieting and stuff, and sometimes its like I have to prove that I don't eat need to eat a lot, and that I don't have to eat a lot and stuff... its kind of weird.

Usually like everyday I wear pants that are kind of baggy, and I wear these big hoodies everyday, because I'm insecure about my body, and I don't want people to look at me and think "oh, she's fat" or to laugh at me, or to go and talk to their friends about me and how fat I am. So, for like.. 7 months I've worn hoodies like everyday no matter how hot it is outside or anything. And then since I've been out of school I've been laying around the house in my baggy pajama bottoms and big baggy t-shirts so no one can really "see me" ya know, and when I exercise I wear big old t-shirts, cause I dont want to get my good clothes all smelly and stuff. So, I got dressed for my lessons yesterday and I went downstairs with my instrument and bag ready to go, and my dad was like "gosh, your getting really skinny". My dad has like always been calling me skinny lately. I don't think its because he actually thinks that I am skinny, but because he thinks I have an eating disorder or something. I feel that he's always trying to compromise my dieting and stuff... Anyways, I didn't believe him, and then I went to my lessons, and it was the first time in like 7 months I didn't have a big hoodie on (i wore a jacket though, but it was unzipped) and my instructor was like "Are you eating okay? You look really thin, like you've lost a lot of weight... like 15 lbs or something." It really caught me off guard. I wasn't for sure if he was seriuos, so towards the end of my lessons I asked him if he really meant that and he was saying how I was looking really thin, and he didn't think I needed to lose anymore weight. But how do I know that my dad didn't talk to him and make him say that, or something, ya know? My dad could have told him to say that becasue he thinks I have an eating disorder or something.

The other day, one of my "friends" was talking to me about how she thought I had lost a lot of weight, and I was starting to look like I was anorexic. She asked me if I was, and I was like, no... and she was like are you sure and stuff. And she kept asking me what kind of diet I had, and how much calories I ate and like, was i eating okay or was I starving myself. She said that I looked like I had lost a lot of weight, but the freaky part is that she hasn't seen me w/o a hoodie in like.. 7 months like everyone else, so how would she know, unless she could tell a lot from my face and my legs. I dunno, for some reason I have this satisfaction in knowing that people think I am smaller and stuff, so I start thinking that maybe if I lose more weight, more people will notice.

My parents say I need to stop trying to lose weight, because I'm thin enough already or whatever.. So, in order for me to stop losing weight, and maintaining it, I'm supposed to have 1600 calories (according to my weight loss/nutrition calculator) after exercising to maintain my weight.. How am I going to eat 1600 calories? What if I do'nt want to stop losing weight? I dont... I need to lose more weight, I'm still fat, and I need to. Why can't they understand that?

You know how you said that sometimes you want to be sickly skinny so that people will notice. That's how I feel to, exactly.. I want people to notice, and I want people to think I'm skinny. But no one understands. The only person I've told about my problem is my best friend, and she keeps telling me how it doesn't matter what you look like on the outside and that it doesnt matter if your fat or skinny or ugly or pretty and all this stuff. Sometimes I wonder if she says that because she knows that I am ugly and fat, but she just doesn't want to hurt my feelings. And she also told me about how every since I"ve started dieting I haven't been happy. Could this be true? I mean.. I've lost over 15 lbs.... and I'm still not happy. Honestly, I'm just not happy.. why? why am I not happy? I am never happy with myself... I am never thin enough, never good enough....*sighs*

Wow, you're in an agency? That's really cool. I wish I was pretty enough, or skinny enough to do something like that. Good luck with that, I hope it all goes well. Hmm.. so you don't think that your eating problem is caused from you looking at magazines, and wanting to be a model? Maybe not. I dunno. I think my eating problem started with me looking at magazines, and watching shows going "why can't I be like that?" and stuff.. And then eventually all of this bad stuff, and depression happening and me wanting to be in control of something in my life, since I couldn't control losing lots of friends, and loved ones (in death and just leaving to hang out w/ other people).

Since I've been on break, I've realized that a lot of things have greatly affected me. Losing many of my best friends to boyfriends and other people and the deaths of many loved ones recently and me living far away from my family and me not being happy. I realize that its affected me more than I wanted to admit. And I do realize completely that I am not happy. i always tried to fool myself saying I would be happy if I lost like 5 lbs, but now that i have lost over 15 lbs.. I'm still not happy. What's going on with me??

From what you've said about like, getting bloated from eating, and if you don't eat, and then eat something you get all bloated. That's how I feel. Like, whenever I eat, or after a meal I feel so fat and nasty, which makes me want to throw up, or starve myself or something. I don't want to get sick from this eating thing, I just want to be skinny... why can't anyone that knows me understand that? I'm just not happy w/ myself at all... I'm ashamed of myself, and that's why i hide under baggy clothes....

-Troubled

Secrets_07,

I wish that you didn't have to go through problems, but sometimes its a comfort to me knowing that I'm not alone in this, and that there are people like me out there, who actually understand what I'm going through or whatever. Thanks for posting, it means a lot. Yea, I don't only cut myself for eating, sometimes its because I feel nothing, no pain, no joy, no happiness, so I have to feel something.. just to know that I'm alive. I used to think that maybe I was cutting myself for attention, because I would always do it on my wrist, but now, I don't because I don't want anyone to know or see.. must not be for attention.. its for me. I've almost got caught on multiple occasions and had to talk my way out of it by saying "oh i tried to pick up my dog and he scratched me" Or, "i tripped in class and scraped my arm on the corner of the table" or something stupid like that. My friends sometimes ask me if i've "done anything bad" lately and I'll say no, lying through my teeth. Because I've told 2 friends about that problem. I just dont want them to worry, and the other friend i have, she like blackmails me practically saying that if I cut myself she'll cut herself, or that she'll starve herself. She's one of those friends thats out for attention, and it was so wierd with her telling me she was anorexic, and all she did was skip lunch for a week, and she kept telling me that, and I was like.. if you only knew what it was like to really have a problem. I learned that she wasn't really anorexic, she was just telling me that so I'd talk to her more and stuff. She's younger than me, 14, and her sister is my best friend, and she knows that... but sometimes I think that she gets upset when I talk to her sister more, even though deep down she knows that her sisters my BESTEST friend, ya know? So she wanted me to talk to her more by telling me that stuff.. it was just kind of weird knowing that I have a problem, and she didn't know, and... oh this made more sense in my head...

what do you think I should do?

-Troubled
Hey hun,

Yea, my mum sorta knows about this eating problem, or at least she THINKS she knows. She thinks that I eat at school, and eat tea with her and eat breakfast when she makes me, but she knows I will skip it if I get the chance.
But she couldn't be more wrong. I can't eat at school....however much I try. If I try so hard, ill put food in my mouth and end up spitting it out or take one mouthful, feel sick, and throw the rest away. I just can't bring myself to eat in front of my friends. I don't do it for attention, i hate those people that think they have a problem when they dont (like you said about your best friends sister). I hate it that people can sit and complain that they arn't eating to get comfort from their friends....its PHYFETIC! The fact with me is that I really can't eat infront of them, it makes me feel so horrible, I dont crave for people to notice that im not eating and to ask why, I just dont want to! If I get the chance I will skip any meal possible.
and I lie to my parents about how much I eat, they think I eat at school but I dont! Ill throw it away or hide it in the cupboard or something!

Unlike you, I find it MORE difficult NOT to eat infront of my family becasue they end up trying to force feed me, shout at me or ban me from going out etc. etc. Though like you, I find it easier not to eat infront of my friends. If we go out for a meal, I normally order something and then dont eat it. Now they don't really ask why, they might say 'are you going to eat that? and ill just say 'no'. They might ask why but I just say im not hungry and then the subject is dropped.

I also find it sooo easy not to eat when Im busy.... so thats what I mainly do.....keep my self occupied so I dont have to think about eating.

I obviously dont no what you look like.....but it sounds to me like you are skinny....you say youv'e lost 15lbs.....WOW! Thats alot to loose. But I know what you mean about not being happy. I always said to myself Ill just loose a couple of pounds under 100 and ill be fine. Now ive lost about 7-8lbs and im not happy....its not as much as 15lbs, but im working on it.
I also wear really baggy clothes for like 3 weeks while I loose more weight and then when im slightly happier ill wear a tighter top, but no one seems to notice that im skinner.....probably becasue Im NOT!!!!! it frustrates me soooo much that i starve and starve and weigh less and less but still im not thinner!!!!!!!! It's a horride feeling to think that ive done this for so long and there's things coming up like parties and going away where I want to be super thin but there's hardly any time left to get that thin! Yeh ok I might not weigh very much but i look like I weigh more! Its so ANNOYING!

What does your mum and dad think about you dieting? If my mum knew I was tring to diet I think she would freak out and say i dont need to and try to get me to eat loads....more or less like she is now.

Maybe you do look really skinny and thats why your instructor noticed.....I surpose it could be your dad telling him, tho is yorur dad and him good friends, because wouldn't it be a little wierd for your dad just to say 'tell her she's looking thin' ? I dunno!?!
I think if people like your friends really do say that your becoming thinner, sit down with your best friend and say....."look...you keep saying im thin, but I dont know if your telling the truth. Please tell me, do you really honestly think im loosing weight? or am I looking the same as i was." Im sure she will understand if youv'e talked about it before. If its just one friend and you are really close (like you say you are) then im sure she will open up and really tell you the truth. She can see that it will hurt you if she lies. Then you'll know, and you can always tell by someones face if they are lying to you or not!
It could work!

I dont get people telling me im looking thin! Becasue really I look no different then I did 4 months ago! I wish I did! at partys I breathe in because i feel toooo fat! Do you ever do that?

Next weekend I am camping at a festival with my friends, and the only way my dad is letting me go is if I drink this wierd medican reccomended by the nutrtionist! Its horride red stuff which I have to drink twice a day! and I also have to eat 3 meals a day, NO CHANCE! If my dad finds out tho that I havent been eating that much I can't go! I have to really hide it from him coz there is no way I can eat 3 meals a day, im barely eating 1!

I have the same satisfaction of people saying im looking smaller so I want to eat less!!!! I dont know why!!!! when I first told my friends about the disorder, they told me how they did notice me not eating and stuff, and how they got really worried when I kept throwing my food away, but instead of that helping me, it just made me want to do it even more because it made me feel like maybe I am getting somewhere with it all!!!!

Again, it almost sounds selfish when I say I want people to notice that im thin, its like I want attention, but thats not how I see it, I wish I didnt have to think about being fat all the time, but I do, and I want people to notice.... I cant STOP thinking about it!

When I first told my friends at the party, some boys were listening outside the door to the whole convi and then one said to me the next day...
'Hey I heard that you were crying upstairs at the party about how you dont eat' and laughed at me! I was sooo upset!! The thing is that its noones buisness apart from those who i have told personally! I cant believe someone can laugh at that! and the thing is that ive been trying so hard to avoid looking like a phyfetic girl who is trying to get attention! They dont have a clue what I really go through, they think they have got me all figured out but they no Jack S***!

Yea, my agency sounds fab! Its nOt! Ive been with them nearly 2 year and I have had NO shoots! its crap! they obviously hate the way I look! it makes me feel s***! and my contract runs out next year! URGH! it really isnt as glamourous as it sounds!

I remember my first year at secondary school......I think you call it highschool !?! anyways....my best friend was soooo pretty and always outgoing but also really loyal, anyway all the boys loved her, but me....well im quite quiet anyway and didnt talk to many boys, they all made fun of me and I went home crying somedays or just feeling really bad. Still now... apart from my boyfriend, no boys fancy me, or look at me much, some make fun of me still! its horride I hate them, i feel soooo ugly! I wish I could just start over! The thing is, my friends that boys fancy are really out going and can talk to anyone and are really pretty.
But im just.......ugly!
I can go around on my own, e.g walk down the corridor or go down to the town on my own and it doesn't bother me! But some people stick to each other so much and dont go out inless they are in a big crowd, and so they get noticed more! I might as well b invisable!
and my 'friends' never call me. I always end up calling them. It sounds like im such a loner! such a wierdo without anyfriends! They would prefer to do things without me! I feel so alone!

How you doing today lv?
Hope ya ok!
Reply
Love Hannie xxx
Hannie,
Yea, its so hard with the eating thing around my family. ugh.. they always force me to eat, or give me these weird looks when I don't and they are always encouraging me or questioning why I'm not eating, or how many calories I've had for the day, or what I've ate all day long. My grandmother actually told my dad that I was starving myself, maybe not completely but in some sense I was. But I talked my way out of it with my parents. And I felt so bad because my mom was like "I'm glad that you stood up for yourself to your grandmother." And she kept saying how she believed me and that she knew I would never do stuff like that. I felt so bad... if only she really knew.

My camping trip was lots of fun with my friends. But I felt so fat! My one friend, she's very VERY skinny. She's also my best friend, the one I was talking about in some previous posts. She has been trying to encourage me to eat more lately and get over this problem, but she says no matter what she supports me all the way. I think yesterday she was trying to tell me that I'm starting to look more like I have a problem, because I was wearing this low cut shirt and she touched the bone that is like in your neck/chest and she said "Gosh your bone is sticking out a lot" and "your really boney there". And then she was saying how my legs were really small. I think she's lost her mind! My legs are not small! it's so wierd with people telling me I'm skinny or that I don't need to worry about calories or that I do'nt need to lose weight or whatever.. because I know that I do and that I'm not skinny. It's so confusing. when I look in the mirror I DO NOT see a skinny person. What if they are just saying I'm skinny so they think i will eat more?

Well, at the camping trip there were so many temptations! But I never exceeded 600 calories (before exercising) so that's good. But I had to practically eat every Meal thrown at me, like breakfast, lunch, and dinner> But I avoided the chips, nachos, fudge, ice cream, etc. that my friends had. Since we were at the beach we did a lot of walking throughout the campground to the campstore, the pool, the beach, and all over the place, and we even ran on the beach for exercise and stuff, so i know that I probably burned off most of what I ate, which is good. When I came home I weighed 110.4 lbs. That really freaked me out, because when I left I was like 114. But that was earlier today, and now I'm back up in the 113-114 lbs. See, I don't even look like I weigh how much I really do.. its so confusing.. why do I have to be fat?

I'm like you, I just wish that I could go one day without thinking about food and calories and fat grams and everything... I just wish that I could eat and not feel bad about it.. I wish I could feel good about myself! I wish this all would just end and I could be healthy, look good, and be happy! That's all I want but.. I just don't know.

I honestly don't feel thin enough, so.. maybe a couple of more pounds wont hurt. But its getting harder and harder to lower my portions of food when my family keeps coming to visit and stuff. But, when I go away to camp (this saturday) I will be gone for 1 month and hopefully I will be really busy and preoccupied so that I wont have time to think about food, or eat. Then maybe i'll look better and feel better. Hopefully they'll have computers at this camp I'm going to, so I can keep you guys updated.

My family and some friends think I'm obsessed with calories. I have this hand held palm pilot that has a calorie calculator and nutrition facts database on it. I take it everwhere I go so that I always know how much calories I burn and consume. And usually I consult the calculator before I eat something.. its running my life, and I know this, but I just can't stop. No matter how hard I try, and how much I tell myself that "Oh today I wont worry about calories and I'll try to eat at least 1000 calores today" or something like that, it always backfires. I either feel really guilty and try to make myself throw up, I cut, or I exercise for a really relaly long time to compensate for the calories I did have.

Why can't I just be happy? My best friend says that every since I started dieting that I haven't been happy.. but .... how could losing weight make me unhappy? I think its more than that.. no.. I know that its more than that. I just dont konw what's wrong with me. I am so sensitive, and I try to take car eof everyone, and sometimes its too much... so many bad things have happened to me over the past few years, and I couldn't control them, or stop them or make them go away.. but this.. I can control this, and no one can stop me! it's something that I have on my own, that no one really knows about.. and I control it....

You know, it kind of sounds like you really do want help, and I think that that is definitly a good thing, and definitly a big step in hopefully a recovery to this. You know? Maybe your mom will let you go see someone, and you can talk to them about it and get better. I just hope that everything works out for you.

Keep me updated, and let me know how you're doing! :) Hope everythings okay!

Much love,
troubled

PS- While we were shopping, my best friend (the really skinny one) wanted to try on some clothes, and she told me to try them on with her, so i did. And she told me to get a small like her, because I'd probably fit in it, and I was like, uh no.. i can't fit into a small. So, she gave me the small anyways, but I took the medium with me. Well, I tried on the small, and it was a little bit around my stomach area.... how wierd is that.. I fit into a small...how? How is it that I was wearing the same size shirt as my skinny skinny friend but I am so much fatter than her! How? this is confusing.... I am trying to make sense of it.





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