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Hey huni,
Tis is my second time at writing this post hehe because I sent the last one and pressed the wrong button and it deleated it URGH so ive gotta now try and remember what I wrote .....*sigh*

Yeh,... I guess I have to commit more to my boyfriend, i dont want to loose him..... i think its more of a boy hormine thing which makes him angry with me and I dont see why.....tho i should pay more attention to him, because im always preoccupied with other friends and with my problems and dont really pay any attention to his problems. It sounds really selfish when I spell it out like that but its true all I think about is this eating thing!

Tooday I have been quite good (for me) on the eating front! I had a bowl of Bran Flakes before my exam and then went into town with 2 of my friends...they were buying baguettes and salads ad things and so I brought a very small pasta salad......I think thats pretty good because I only filled the tub up 1/4-1/2 full! :) .... i was tempted by sandwiches and chocolate and baguettes etc etc but I held my self back YEY!
And we were sat at the park and the ice cream man cam onto the friends brought one, and however tempted I was I just put my foot down and said NO!!!!! hehe!
But on the way home I did give in to a chocolate milkshake....but nothing too bad!
I haven't had tea yet but I really really really am NOT going to eat alot, ive been proud of myself so far so I need to keep it up!

O My GOSH! you know I said on my last post (yestaday) that I wasn't going to eat much of my tea which mum cooked well..... I ATE IT ALL!!!!!! There was 5 roast potatoes, and honey carrots, sausages and more! I just thought 'well since its on my plate I might aswell eat it' but I just felt SSOOOOOO BAD afterwards...then.....if that wasn't bad enough I had 1 nutrigrain bar, some more chocolate and some yogurt!

about 2 months ago I sprained my ankle and had to go to the doctors.......when I was there he asked me...'have you been loosing weight?' and had to weight me (but I now know that my mum had asked him to talk to me about it because I heard her telling my dad :mad: )
But anyways he wanted me to come back after my my mum asked me yestaday 'you know the doctor wants you to go back? well do you want to see him or a nutritionalist that my friend goes to?' :eek: I DONT WANT TO SEE ANYONE! I guess it might be okay!?! i just dont want them to stop me, Im in the middle of my game! I dunno I might make a thread on it :confused:
Also I was thinking, my exams are over in about 2 weeks, so I have 2 weeks until I have to go to one of them, and in a way I want to look and be really thin for when I go. Is that wrong? Is it bad to think that I want to be stick thin to see a doctor or nutritionalist? Its like I want to prove that im thin so that she/he wont think that im fine! Im so confused about the whole thing and want I should be thinking.

I was sat at the park with my friends today and there were these girls having a of them was really tall and skinny, she was quite bony but not MAJORLY annorexic....she was really pretty.... but my friends stared at her and said she looked really thin (but also pretty)! I kinda wanted to turn to them and show them that I was really thin but am I? I felt like I had to breathe in to look it, but even then its not that noticable......I even feel that I want to look sickly looking so that It will be more that a wrong thing to be thinking? hmmm...!!!

So ive put a stop to saying 'it'll be ok if I eat alot today' because I say it every day and then never end up starving myself! So thats it no more holding back not eating!

I know what you mean about the shopping thing! When I come out of the changing rooms now I look at myself in the morror and breathe in to see what the item would look like on if I was skinner.
Ive stopped listening to what my mum thinks, she has got to the point in where she tells me every thing looks good just to build up my doesn't work. ... plus Im very fussy with clothes, maybe because I want to be a fashion designer when im older, so I know what I want to buy!

My mum has it in her head that I look at too many fashion magazines and so I want to be like the models in there. It is true I look at many many many magazines but I want to be taller....IM SO good would it be if when you ate you could just become taller instead of fatter (lol) but then I guess there would be these really really tall people walking around instead of overweight people or really really short people instead of underweight people...hehe it would be quite amusing!!
I do want to be a model (though I dont have the height) Ive wanted to be a model since I was 12, im even in an agency but havent had any shoots its soooo frustrating! But I wouldnt say my eating problem as spurred from wanting to be a model or looking at magazines because I dont think about models THAT much and also im more interested in the fashion!

I also get really bloated after eating or drinking.....apprently its because our bodies are now used to not eating so when we do eat they react funny.....wierd!.......but true!

Its complicated Stuff!

How you doin???

Hannie xxx

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