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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board


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That's exactly how it was for me last week. I just got out of school last friday. But last week we had exams all week, so. I would like, eat breakfast (either special k cereal or a bagel) and then go to school and skip lunch cause of exams and stuff, and (i was on my period the end of last week) whenever I came home, I was like ready to eat everything in sight! It was crazy. And what drew my attention was ice cream, like you said for you too. Even though I wasn't really REALLY hungry or anything part of the time, I just wanted to eat, and whenever I saw the ice cream in teh freezer I would like have to have some. It was crazy. I ate so much at once right before my period that I felt so sick and terrible. I was talking to my mom about being more hungry on your period and she said that some people are, and that like when she's on hers she wants lots of chocolate and stuff. I guess its like from all of the "raging hormones" and stuff like that, that makes you so hungry and wanting everything that's fattening and stuff.

Since I've gotten off of mine, I think that I'm in more control than I was on my period. I'm not like running to the fridge every hour to eat icecream or something. lol. I just don't wanna gain wait or anything, i'm terrified of gaining weight.. ugh..

My mom took me shopping yesterday, because I'm going away to this camp for a month over the summer and I needed some dress clothes for when we go out certain places and stuff, and when I was trying them on, I'd come out and my mom would say I looked great, but i'd look in the mirror and always find something wrong with what I was wearing.. either the shirt was too tight and you could see my fat, or it made me look fat, and I just felt terrible. I felt so ugly and fat and.. It was just depressing. Shopping used to be like, my thing, but now.. its like I hate trying on clothes and shopping.

It seems like everytime I eat or drink or something I feel so fat afterwards, and like my stomach is just sticking out and that i'm soo.. ugh..I feel so fat all the time. Why? people keep telling me that i'm skinny, or that i'm not fat or whatever, but.. I see myself that way, and it feels like I am fat. So then I sit there thinking that everyone is lying to me and.. its just depressing.

I know how you feel. it feels like everyone is controlling my life too, or trying to control my life. I honestly don't know if that's what this is about for me, being in control. I'm really not sure.. I've always felt that I wasn't good enough for anyone, and i've always had very low self esteem. When I was late 14/early 15 I had really severe cystic acne, and it was really bad. I always felt bad about myself, like my face, never my weight or anything and..then I went on Accutaine in the middle of my freshman year, and my face cleared up a lot, but not completely. But, by the time I was 16 it was looking pretty good. So, I don't know if acne has just really affected the way I feel and see myself. It's also very hard to please my parents, cause I feel like they are never proud of me, or happy that i'm their daughter. I mean, I could always do better in like everything I do, and they are never proud of me. It just hurts sometimes, when I try so hard and they just don't care. Well, they might, but.. I dunno.

So, what are you going to do about your boyfriend? Are you going to try to commit more to him? It sounds normal and everything, cause that's what my friends boyfriends always say and stuff. I dunno though. I hope things work out with you guys though.

I think I feel the same way you do. I feel so good when I don't eat, or if I don't eat a lot of calories for one day. And.. like having this little secret about my eating problem, and knowing that i can control it.. and that no one else knows and can't stop me.. I don't know.. its a wierd and complicating feeling. Veeeery confusing...
Hannie,

I really hope that everything works out with you and your boyfriend, but I'm sure it will. Guys just get jeolous when they aren't the complete focus of your attention, ya know? Guys are guys.. lol

Hmm.. about the nutritionalist and doctor. Why exactly does your mom want you to go? Does she know about your eating and stuff, or do you think she's just worried? My parents are always threatening to send me to someone, like a physciatrist or something when they think I'm not eating enough, but lately they've kind of backed off, its wierd. Sometimes they accuse me of starving myself, or saying that I'm not eating enough on purpose to make myself sick and stuff. But usually I just laugh about it and say "Are you crazy? Do you think I could actually not eat enough?" And then I guess they believe me cause they usually stop talking about it, but I dunno.

In a few weeks I'm leaving for camp, and I can't wait, not for the experience entirely, but so that I will be so busy that hopefully I wont have any time to eat anything, or just to not eat a lot. Because laying around at home, there is so many temptations, and its so boring at the house... I just do'nt wanna start eating a lot and get like really fat or something. Also, my grandparents are coming to visit, and I'm gonna go camping with some friends in like a week, and I am sooo looking forward to those because I'm thinking.. I can keep myself busy by having lots of fun, and I can say no to food when I'm out, because usually I use the excuse of that food not being in my "diet plan" so I don't eat, and people understand. For some reason its easier for me to say no to food when my friends and family are around, because they all know that i'm dieting and stuff, and sometimes its like I have to prove that I don't eat need to eat a lot, and that I don't have to eat a lot and stuff... its kind of weird.

Usually like everyday I wear pants that are kind of baggy, and I wear these big hoodies everyday, because I'm insecure about my body, and I don't want people to look at me and think "oh, she's fat" or to laugh at me, or to go and talk to their friends about me and how fat I am. So, for like.. 7 months I've worn hoodies like everyday no matter how hot it is outside or anything. And then since I've been out of school I've been laying around the house in my baggy pajama bottoms and big baggy t-shirts so no one can really "see me" ya know, and when I exercise I wear big old t-shirts, cause I dont want to get my good clothes all smelly and stuff. So, I got dressed for my lessons yesterday and I went downstairs with my instrument and bag ready to go, and my dad was like "gosh, your getting really skinny". My dad has like always been calling me skinny lately. I don't think its because he actually thinks that I am skinny, but because he thinks I have an eating disorder or something. I feel that he's always trying to compromise my dieting and stuff... Anyways, I didn't believe him, and then I went to my lessons, and it was the first time in like 7 months I didn't have a big hoodie on (i wore a jacket though, but it was unzipped) and my instructor was like "Are you eating okay? You look really thin, like you've lost a lot of weight... like 15 lbs or something." It really caught me off guard. I wasn't for sure if he was seriuos, so towards the end of my lessons I asked him if he really meant that and he was saying how I was looking really thin, and he didn't think I needed to lose anymore weight. But how do I know that my dad didn't talk to him and make him say that, or something, ya know? My dad could have told him to say that becasue he thinks I have an eating disorder or something.

The other day, one of my "friends" was talking to me about how she thought I had lost a lot of weight, and I was starting to look like I was anorexic. She asked me if I was, and I was like, no... and she was like are you sure and stuff. And she kept asking me what kind of diet I had, and how much calories I ate and like, was i eating okay or was I starving myself. She said that I looked like I had lost a lot of weight, but the freaky part is that she hasn't seen me w/o a hoodie in like.. 7 months like everyone else, so how would she know, unless she could tell a lot from my face and my legs. I dunno, for some reason I have this satisfaction in knowing that people think I am smaller and stuff, so I start thinking that maybe if I lose more weight, more people will notice.

My parents say I need to stop trying to lose weight, because I'm thin enough already or whatever.. So, in order for me to stop losing weight, and maintaining it, I'm supposed to have 1600 calories (according to my weight loss/nutrition calculator) after exercising to maintain my weight.. How am I going to eat 1600 calories? What if I do'nt want to stop losing weight? I dont... I need to lose more weight, I'm still fat, and I need to. Why can't they understand that?

You know how you said that sometimes you want to be sickly skinny so that people will notice. That's how I feel to, exactly.. I want people to notice, and I want people to think I'm skinny. But no one understands. The only person I've told about my problem is my best friend, and she keeps telling me how it doesn't matter what you look like on the outside and that it doesnt matter if your fat or skinny or ugly or pretty and all this stuff. Sometimes I wonder if she says that because she knows that I am ugly and fat, but she just doesn't want to hurt my feelings. And she also told me about how every since I"ve started dieting I haven't been happy. Could this be true? I mean.. I've lost over 15 lbs.... and I'm still not happy. Honestly, I'm just not happy.. why? why am I not happy? I am never happy with myself... I am never thin enough, never good enough....*sighs*

Wow, you're in an agency? That's really cool. I wish I was pretty enough, or skinny enough to do something like that. Good luck with that, I hope it all goes well. Hmm.. so you don't think that your eating problem is caused from you looking at magazines, and wanting to be a model? Maybe not. I dunno. I think my eating problem started with me looking at magazines, and watching shows going "why can't I be like that?" and stuff.. And then eventually all of this bad stuff, and depression happening and me wanting to be in control of something in my life, since I couldn't control losing lots of friends, and loved ones (in death and just leaving to hang out w/ other people).

Since I've been on break, I've realized that a lot of things have greatly affected me. Losing many of my best friends to boyfriends and other people and the deaths of many loved ones recently and me living far away from my family and me not being happy. I realize that its affected me more than I wanted to admit. And I do realize completely that I am not happy. i always tried to fool myself saying I would be happy if I lost like 5 lbs, but now that i have lost over 15 lbs.. I'm still not happy. What's going on with me??

From what you've said about like, getting bloated from eating, and if you don't eat, and then eat something you get all bloated. That's how I feel. Like, whenever I eat, or after a meal I feel so fat and nasty, which makes me want to throw up, or starve myself or something. I don't want to get sick from this eating thing, I just want to be skinny... why can't anyone that knows me understand that? I'm just not happy w/ myself at all... I'm ashamed of myself, and that's why i hide under baggy clothes....

-Troubled

Secrets_07,

I wish that you didn't have to go through problems, but sometimes its a comfort to me knowing that I'm not alone in this, and that there are people like me out there, who actually understand what I'm going through or whatever. Thanks for posting, it means a lot. Yea, I don't only cut myself for eating, sometimes its because I feel nothing, no pain, no joy, no happiness, so I have to feel something.. just to know that I'm alive. I used to think that maybe I was cutting myself for attention, because I would always do it on my wrist, but now, I don't because I don't want anyone to know or see.. must not be for attention.. its for me. I've almost got caught on multiple occasions and had to talk my way out of it by saying "oh i tried to pick up my dog and he scratched me" Or, "i tripped in class and scraped my arm on the corner of the table" or something stupid like that. My friends sometimes ask me if i've "done anything bad" lately and I'll say no, lying through my teeth. Because I've told 2 friends about that problem. I just dont want them to worry, and the other friend i have, she like blackmails me practically saying that if I cut myself she'll cut herself, or that she'll starve herself. She's one of those friends thats out for attention, and it was so wierd with her telling me she was anorexic, and all she did was skip lunch for a week, and she kept telling me that, and I was like.. if you only knew what it was like to really have a problem. I learned that she wasn't really anorexic, she was just telling me that so I'd talk to her more and stuff. She's younger than me, 14, and her sister is my best friend, and she knows that... but sometimes I think that she gets upset when I talk to her sister more, even though deep down she knows that her sisters my BESTEST friend, ya know? So she wanted me to talk to her more by telling me that stuff.. it was just kind of weird knowing that I have a problem, and she didn't know, and... oh this made more sense in my head...

what do you think I should do?

-Troubled





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