It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board


Eating Disorder Recovery Board Index


I told my best friend yesterday at school. I had been starving myself that day, and she was telling me how only I could stop this, and that I should try to stop it on my own, and that she wouldn't tell anyone, and that she'd be here for me. She told me to try to eat more and try to get better, and .. I dunno.. it really hit me, and i realized how much she cared. So, when I came home I decided to eat something to try to get better. I ate something, and I guess since I didn't relaly eat the day before, and I hadn't ate all day I just like ate a lot I guess for that day.. I had 900 calories yesterday and I felt so bad.. I was in the bathroom trying to make myself throw up for the longest time but I just couldn't... so instead I cut myself 11 times to punish myself for eating too much.....I don't know what came over me yesterday. I do'nt know if its because I was on my period or something, and I heard that that makes you more hungry, but I was just like... I dunno.. So today, I had this plan for not eating all day long to make up for yesterday, but I had exams and my mom practically forced me to eat breakfast..ugh.. and I talked to my friend some more and when I told her about tyring ot throw up and how I felt so bad, I could tell it was hurting her and I promised her that I would try to eat today, so I did.. I've had......600 calories today, and agian.. I feel so guilty.. guilty enough to go make myself throw up, but I just can't... I don't know if its a mental block or something.. so hopefully i'll exercise for like an hour or more to try to burn it off so I wont get fat... but I just dont know.. I hate this...... i hate it i hate it..... I don't know if its getting better or not.. physcologically, no......but.. god... why did I have to promise her I would eat.. hopefully tomorrow I'll be too busy to eat.. yea.. I'll keep myself busy so I wont have to.....I'm not eating for the rest of the night either... i'm going to get even fatter at the rate I'm going.. i hate being fat....
I'm 16, 5'5" and around 119-120 lbs currently. Wow, so you understand what I'm going through? It's just so complicating.. Sometimes, when i'm in the "eating mood" i try to eat more because I know that later in the day I will be in the "starve myself" mood.. but then, I feel so bad for eating all of the time. Today i've had about 400 calories before exercising and I feel like a hippo.. I'm gonna go exercise soon to try to burn it off.... gosh I'm such a pig...

When you're on your period can it make you more hungry, or more likely to eat more? Because it feels like since i've got on mine I haven't like.. been hungry, but I've hate like moods where I actually do eat, and I don't know why. Usually I just don't want to eat like at all but.. I dunno.. it's wierd.. I do'nt know if I want to stop.. that's my problem. I've been practically forcing myself to eat because I don't want to lose my friends, but.. gosh.. yesterday I had 700 calories (before exercing, about 200 after exercising) and I felt terrible.....sometimes I know what i'm feeling isn't normal, but other times I'm just like, this is okay... it's so wierd.. like I'm so moody...maybe its ... I dunno.. Why do I feel bad for eating? I guess my eating is getting better, .... last week I was eating around 200-400 calories before excercising then exercising for over an hour. So I guess I"m improving a little bit, but... I'm just so scared of being fat....
That's exactly how it was for me last week. I just got out of school last friday. But last week we had exams all week, so. I would like, eat breakfast (either special k cereal or a bagel) and then go to school and skip lunch cause of exams and stuff, and (i was on my period the end of last week) whenever I came home, I was like ready to eat everything in sight! It was crazy. And what drew my attention was ice cream, like you said for you too. Even though I wasn't really REALLY hungry or anything part of the time, I just wanted to eat, and whenever I saw the ice cream in teh freezer I would like have to have some. It was crazy. I ate so much at once right before my period that I felt so sick and terrible. I was talking to my mom about being more hungry on your period and she said that some people are, and that like when she's on hers she wants lots of chocolate and stuff. I guess its like from all of the "raging hormones" and stuff like that, that makes you so hungry and wanting everything that's fattening and stuff.

Since I've gotten off of mine, I think that I'm in more control than I was on my period. I'm not like running to the fridge every hour to eat icecream or something. lol. I just don't wanna gain wait or anything, i'm terrified of gaining weight.. ugh..

My mom took me shopping yesterday, because I'm going away to this camp for a month over the summer and I needed some dress clothes for when we go out certain places and stuff, and when I was trying them on, I'd come out and my mom would say I looked great, but i'd look in the mirror and always find something wrong with what I was wearing.. either the shirt was too tight and you could see my fat, or it made me look fat, and I just felt terrible. I felt so ugly and fat and.. It was just depressing. Shopping used to be like, my thing, but now.. its like I hate trying on clothes and shopping.

It seems like everytime I eat or drink or something I feel so fat afterwards, and like my stomach is just sticking out and that i'm soo.. ugh..I feel so fat all the time. Why? people keep telling me that i'm skinny, or that i'm not fat or whatever, but.. I see myself that way, and it feels like I am fat. So then I sit there thinking that everyone is lying to me and.. its just depressing.

I know how you feel. it feels like everyone is controlling my life too, or trying to control my life. I honestly don't know if that's what this is about for me, being in control. I'm really not sure.. I've always felt that I wasn't good enough for anyone, and i've always had very low self esteem. When I was late 14/early 15 I had really severe cystic acne, and it was really bad. I always felt bad about myself, like my face, never my weight or anything and..then I went on Accutaine in the middle of my freshman year, and my face cleared up a lot, but not completely. But, by the time I was 16 it was looking pretty good. So, I don't know if acne has just really affected the way I feel and see myself. It's also very hard to please my parents, cause I feel like they are never proud of me, or happy that i'm their daughter. I mean, I could always do better in like everything I do, and they are never proud of me. It just hurts sometimes, when I try so hard and they just don't care. Well, they might, but.. I dunno.

So, what are you going to do about your boyfriend? Are you going to try to commit more to him? It sounds normal and everything, cause that's what my friends boyfriends always say and stuff. I dunno though. I hope things work out with you guys though.

I think I feel the same way you do. I feel so good when I don't eat, or if I don't eat a lot of calories for one day. And.. like having this little secret about my eating problem, and knowing that i can control it.. and that no one else knows and can't stop me.. I don't know.. its a wierd and complicating feeling. Veeeery confusing...
Hannie,

I really hope that everything works out with you and your boyfriend, but I'm sure it will. Guys just get jeolous when they aren't the complete focus of your attention, ya know? Guys are guys.. lol

Hmm.. about the nutritionalist and doctor. Why exactly does your mom want you to go? Does she know about your eating and stuff, or do you think she's just worried? My parents are always threatening to send me to someone, like a physciatrist or something when they think I'm not eating enough, but lately they've kind of backed off, its wierd. Sometimes they accuse me of starving myself, or saying that I'm not eating enough on purpose to make myself sick and stuff. But usually I just laugh about it and say "Are you crazy? Do you think I could actually not eat enough?" And then I guess they believe me cause they usually stop talking about it, but I dunno.

In a few weeks I'm leaving for camp, and I can't wait, not for the experience entirely, but so that I will be so busy that hopefully I wont have any time to eat anything, or just to not eat a lot. Because laying around at home, there is so many temptations, and its so boring at the house... I just do'nt wanna start eating a lot and get like really fat or something. Also, my grandparents are coming to visit, and I'm gonna go camping with some friends in like a week, and I am sooo looking forward to those because I'm thinking.. I can keep myself busy by having lots of fun, and I can say no to food when I'm out, because usually I use the excuse of that food not being in my "diet plan" so I don't eat, and people understand. For some reason its easier for me to say no to food when my friends and family are around, because they all know that i'm dieting and stuff, and sometimes its like I have to prove that I don't eat need to eat a lot, and that I don't have to eat a lot and stuff... its kind of weird.

Usually like everyday I wear pants that are kind of baggy, and I wear these big hoodies everyday, because I'm insecure about my body, and I don't want people to look at me and think "oh, she's fat" or to laugh at me, or to go and talk to their friends about me and how fat I am. So, for like.. 7 months I've worn hoodies like everyday no matter how hot it is outside or anything. And then since I've been out of school I've been laying around the house in my baggy pajama bottoms and big baggy t-shirts so no one can really "see me" ya know, and when I exercise I wear big old t-shirts, cause I dont want to get my good clothes all smelly and stuff. So, I got dressed for my lessons yesterday and I went downstairs with my instrument and bag ready to go, and my dad was like "gosh, your getting really skinny". My dad has like always been calling me skinny lately. I don't think its because he actually thinks that I am skinny, but because he thinks I have an eating disorder or something. I feel that he's always trying to compromise my dieting and stuff... Anyways, I didn't believe him, and then I went to my lessons, and it was the first time in like 7 months I didn't have a big hoodie on (i wore a jacket though, but it was unzipped) and my instructor was like "Are you eating okay? You look really thin, like you've lost a lot of weight... like 15 lbs or something." It really caught me off guard. I wasn't for sure if he was seriuos, so towards the end of my lessons I asked him if he really meant that and he was saying how I was looking really thin, and he didn't think I needed to lose anymore weight. But how do I know that my dad didn't talk to him and make him say that, or something, ya know? My dad could have told him to say that becasue he thinks I have an eating disorder or something.

The other day, one of my "friends" was talking to me about how she thought I had lost a lot of weight, and I was starting to look like I was anorexic. She asked me if I was, and I was like, no... and she was like are you sure and stuff. And she kept asking me what kind of diet I had, and how much calories I ate and like, was i eating okay or was I starving myself. She said that I looked like I had lost a lot of weight, but the freaky part is that she hasn't seen me w/o a hoodie in like.. 7 months like everyone else, so how would she know, unless she could tell a lot from my face and my legs. I dunno, for some reason I have this satisfaction in knowing that people think I am smaller and stuff, so I start thinking that maybe if I lose more weight, more people will notice.

My parents say I need to stop trying to lose weight, because I'm thin enough already or whatever.. So, in order for me to stop losing weight, and maintaining it, I'm supposed to have 1600 calories (according to my weight loss/nutrition calculator) after exercising to maintain my weight.. How am I going to eat 1600 calories? What if I do'nt want to stop losing weight? I dont... I need to lose more weight, I'm still fat, and I need to. Why can't they understand that?

You know how you said that sometimes you want to be sickly skinny so that people will notice. That's how I feel to, exactly.. I want people to notice, and I want people to think I'm skinny. But no one understands. The only person I've told about my problem is my best friend, and she keeps telling me how it doesn't matter what you look like on the outside and that it doesnt matter if your fat or skinny or ugly or pretty and all this stuff. Sometimes I wonder if she says that because she knows that I am ugly and fat, but she just doesn't want to hurt my feelings. And she also told me about how every since I"ve started dieting I haven't been happy. Could this be true? I mean.. I've lost over 15 lbs.... and I'm still not happy. Honestly, I'm just not happy.. why? why am I not happy? I am never happy with myself... I am never thin enough, never good enough....*sighs*

Wow, you're in an agency? That's really cool. I wish I was pretty enough, or skinny enough to do something like that. Good luck with that, I hope it all goes well. Hmm.. so you don't think that your eating problem is caused from you looking at magazines, and wanting to be a model? Maybe not. I dunno. I think my eating problem started with me looking at magazines, and watching shows going "why can't I be like that?" and stuff.. And then eventually all of this bad stuff, and depression happening and me wanting to be in control of something in my life, since I couldn't control losing lots of friends, and loved ones (in death and just leaving to hang out w/ other people).

Since I've been on break, I've realized that a lot of things have greatly affected me. Losing many of my best friends to boyfriends and other people and the deaths of many loved ones recently and me living far away from my family and me not being happy. I realize that its affected me more than I wanted to admit. And I do realize completely that I am not happy. i always tried to fool myself saying I would be happy if I lost like 5 lbs, but now that i have lost over 15 lbs.. I'm still not happy. What's going on with me??

From what you've said about like, getting bloated from eating, and if you don't eat, and then eat something you get all bloated. That's how I feel. Like, whenever I eat, or after a meal I feel so fat and nasty, which makes me want to throw up, or starve myself or something. I don't want to get sick from this eating thing, I just want to be skinny... why can't anyone that knows me understand that? I'm just not happy w/ myself at all... I'm ashamed of myself, and that's why i hide under baggy clothes....

-Troubled

Secrets_07,

I wish that you didn't have to go through problems, but sometimes its a comfort to me knowing that I'm not alone in this, and that there are people like me out there, who actually understand what I'm going through or whatever. Thanks for posting, it means a lot. Yea, I don't only cut myself for eating, sometimes its because I feel nothing, no pain, no joy, no happiness, so I have to feel something.. just to know that I'm alive. I used to think that maybe I was cutting myself for attention, because I would always do it on my wrist, but now, I don't because I don't want anyone to know or see.. must not be for attention.. its for me. I've almost got caught on multiple occasions and had to talk my way out of it by saying "oh i tried to pick up my dog and he scratched me" Or, "i tripped in class and scraped my arm on the corner of the table" or something stupid like that. My friends sometimes ask me if i've "done anything bad" lately and I'll say no, lying through my teeth. Because I've told 2 friends about that problem. I just dont want them to worry, and the other friend i have, she like blackmails me practically saying that if I cut myself she'll cut herself, or that she'll starve herself. She's one of those friends thats out for attention, and it was so wierd with her telling me she was anorexic, and all she did was skip lunch for a week, and she kept telling me that, and I was like.. if you only knew what it was like to really have a problem. I learned that she wasn't really anorexic, she was just telling me that so I'd talk to her more and stuff. She's younger than me, 14, and her sister is my best friend, and she knows that... but sometimes I think that she gets upset when I talk to her sister more, even though deep down she knows that her sisters my BESTEST friend, ya know? So she wanted me to talk to her more by telling me that stuff.. it was just kind of weird knowing that I have a problem, and she didn't know, and... oh this made more sense in my head...

what do you think I should do?

-Troubled
Hey hun,

Yea, my mum sorta knows about this eating problem, or at least she THINKS she knows. She thinks that I eat at school, and eat tea with her and eat breakfast when she makes me, but she knows I will skip it if I get the chance.
But she couldn't be more wrong. I can't eat at school....however much I try. If I try so hard, ill put food in my mouth and end up spitting it out or take one mouthful, feel sick, and throw the rest away. I just can't bring myself to eat in front of my friends. I don't do it for attention, i hate those people that think they have a problem when they dont (like you said about your best friends sister). I hate it that people can sit and complain that they arn't eating to get comfort from their friends....its PHYFETIC! The fact with me is that I really can't eat infront of them, it makes me feel so horrible, I dont crave for people to notice that im not eating and to ask why, I just dont want to! If I get the chance I will skip any meal possible.
and I lie to my parents about how much I eat, they think I eat at school but I dont! Ill throw it away or hide it in the cupboard or something!

Unlike you, I find it MORE difficult NOT to eat infront of my family becasue they end up trying to force feed me, shout at me or ban me from going out etc. etc. Though like you, I find it easier not to eat infront of my friends. If we go out for a meal, I normally order something and then dont eat it. Now they don't really ask why, they might say 'are you going to eat that? and ill just say 'no'. They might ask why but I just say im not hungry and then the subject is dropped.

I also find it sooo easy not to eat when Im busy.... so thats what I mainly do.....keep my self occupied so I dont have to think about eating.

I obviously dont no what you look like.....but it sounds to me like you are skinny....you say youv'e lost 15lbs.....WOW! Thats alot to loose. But I know what you mean about not being happy. I always said to myself Ill just loose a couple of pounds under 100 and ill be fine. Now ive lost about 7-8lbs and im not happy....its not as much as 15lbs, but im working on it.
I also wear really baggy clothes for like 3 weeks while I loose more weight and then when im slightly happier ill wear a tighter top, but no one seems to notice that im skinner.....probably becasue Im NOT!!!!! it frustrates me soooo much that i starve and starve and weigh less and less but still im not thinner!!!!!!!! It's a horride feeling to think that ive done this for so long and there's things coming up like parties and going away where I want to be super thin but there's hardly any time left to get that thin! Yeh ok I might not weigh very much but i look like I weigh more! Its so ANNOYING!

What does your mum and dad think about you dieting? If my mum knew I was tring to diet I think she would freak out and say i dont need to and try to get me to eat loads....more or less like she is now.

Maybe you do look really skinny and thats why your instructor noticed.....I surpose it could be your dad telling him, tho is yorur dad and him good friends, because wouldn't it be a little wierd for your dad just to say 'tell her she's looking thin' ? I dunno!?!
I think if people like your friends really do say that your becoming thinner, sit down with your best friend and say....."look...you keep saying im thin, but I dont know if your telling the truth. Please tell me, do you really honestly think im loosing weight? or am I looking the same as i was." Im sure she will understand if youv'e talked about it before. If its just one friend and you are really close (like you say you are) then im sure she will open up and really tell you the truth. She can see that it will hurt you if she lies. Then you'll know, and you can always tell by someones face if they are lying to you or not!
It could work!

I dont get people telling me im looking thin! Becasue really I look no different then I did 4 months ago! I wish I did! at partys I breathe in because i feel toooo fat! Do you ever do that?

Next weekend I am camping at a festival with my friends, and the only way my dad is letting me go is if I drink this wierd medican reccomended by the nutrtionist! Its horride red stuff which I have to drink twice a day! and I also have to eat 3 meals a day, NO CHANCE! If my dad finds out tho that I havent been eating that much I can't go! I have to really hide it from him coz there is no way I can eat 3 meals a day, im barely eating 1!

I have the same satisfaction of people saying im looking smaller so I want to eat less!!!! I dont know why!!!! when I first told my friends about the disorder, they told me how they did notice me not eating and stuff, and how they got really worried when I kept throwing my food away, but instead of that helping me, it just made me want to do it even more because it made me feel like maybe I am getting somewhere with it all!!!!

Again, it almost sounds selfish when I say I want people to notice that im thin, its like I want attention, but thats not how I see it, I wish I didnt have to think about being fat all the time, but I do, and I want people to notice.... I cant STOP thinking about it!

When I first told my friends at the party, some boys were listening outside the door to the whole convi and then one said to me the next day...
'Hey I heard that you were crying upstairs at the party about how you dont eat' and laughed at me! I was sooo upset!! The thing is that its noones buisness apart from those who i have told personally! I cant believe someone can laugh at that! and the thing is that ive been trying so hard to avoid looking like a phyfetic girl who is trying to get attention! They dont have a clue what I really go through, they think they have got me all figured out but they no Jack S***!

Yea, my agency sounds fab! Its nOt! Ive been with them nearly 2 year and I have had NO shoots! its crap! they obviously hate the way I look! it makes me feel s***! and my contract runs out next year! URGH! it really isnt as glamourous as it sounds!

I remember my first year at secondary school......I think you call it highschool !?! anyways....my best friend was soooo pretty and always outgoing but also really loyal, anyway all the boys loved her, but me....well im quite quiet anyway and didnt talk to many boys, they all made fun of me and I went home crying somedays or just feeling really bad. Still now... apart from my boyfriend, no boys fancy me, or look at me much, some make fun of me still! its horride I hate them, i feel soooo ugly! I wish I could just start over! The thing is, my friends that boys fancy are really out going and can talk to anyone and are really pretty.
But im just.......ugly!
I can go around on my own, e.g walk down the corridor or go down to the town on my own and it doesn't bother me! But some people stick to each other so much and dont go out inless they are in a big crowd, and so they get noticed more! I might as well b invisable!
and my 'friends' never call me. I always end up calling them. It sounds like im such a loner! such a wierdo without anyfriends! They would prefer to do things without me! I feel so alone!

How you doing today lv?
Hope ya ok!
Reply
Love Hannie xxx
Hannie,
Yea, its so hard with the eating thing around my family. ugh.. they always force me to eat, or give me these weird looks when I don't and they are always encouraging me or questioning why I'm not eating, or how many calories I've had for the day, or what I've ate all day long. My grandmother actually told my dad that I was starving myself, maybe not completely but in some sense I was. But I talked my way out of it with my parents. And I felt so bad because my mom was like "I'm glad that you stood up for yourself to your grandmother." And she kept saying how she believed me and that she knew I would never do stuff like that. I felt so bad... if only she really knew.

My camping trip was lots of fun with my friends. But I felt so fat! My one friend, she's very VERY skinny. She's also my best friend, the one I was talking about in some previous posts. She has been trying to encourage me to eat more lately and get over this problem, but she says no matter what she supports me all the way. I think yesterday she was trying to tell me that I'm starting to look more like I have a problem, because I was wearing this low cut shirt and she touched the bone that is like in your neck/chest and she said "Gosh your bone is sticking out a lot" and "your really boney there". And then she was saying how my legs were really small. I think she's lost her mind! My legs are not small! it's so wierd with people telling me I'm skinny or that I don't need to worry about calories or that I do'nt need to lose weight or whatever.. because I know that I do and that I'm not skinny. It's so confusing. when I look in the mirror I DO NOT see a skinny person. What if they are just saying I'm skinny so they think i will eat more?

Well, at the camping trip there were so many temptations! But I never exceeded 600 calories (before exercising) so that's good. But I had to practically eat every Meal thrown at me, like breakfast, lunch, and dinner> But I avoided the chips, nachos, fudge, ice cream, etc. that my friends had. Since we were at the beach we did a lot of walking throughout the campground to the campstore, the pool, the beach, and all over the place, and we even ran on the beach for exercise and stuff, so i know that I probably burned off most of what I ate, which is good. When I came home I weighed 110.4 lbs. That really freaked me out, because when I left I was like 114. But that was earlier today, and now I'm back up in the 113-114 lbs. See, I don't even look like I weigh how much I really do.. its so confusing.. why do I have to be fat?

I'm like you, I just wish that I could go one day without thinking about food and calories and fat grams and everything... I just wish that I could eat and not feel bad about it.. I wish I could feel good about myself! I wish this all would just end and I could be healthy, look good, and be happy! That's all I want but.. I just don't know.

I honestly don't feel thin enough, so.. maybe a couple of more pounds wont hurt. But its getting harder and harder to lower my portions of food when my family keeps coming to visit and stuff. But, when I go away to camp (this saturday) I will be gone for 1 month and hopefully I will be really busy and preoccupied so that I wont have time to think about food, or eat. Then maybe i'll look better and feel better. Hopefully they'll have computers at this camp I'm going to, so I can keep you guys updated.

My family and some friends think I'm obsessed with calories. I have this hand held palm pilot that has a calorie calculator and nutrition facts database on it. I take it everwhere I go so that I always know how much calories I burn and consume. And usually I consult the calculator before I eat something.. its running my life, and I know this, but I just can't stop. No matter how hard I try, and how much I tell myself that "Oh today I wont worry about calories and I'll try to eat at least 1000 calores today" or something like that, it always backfires. I either feel really guilty and try to make myself throw up, I cut, or I exercise for a really relaly long time to compensate for the calories I did have.

Why can't I just be happy? My best friend says that every since I started dieting that I haven't been happy.. but .... how could losing weight make me unhappy? I think its more than that.. no.. I know that its more than that. I just dont konw what's wrong with me. I am so sensitive, and I try to take car eof everyone, and sometimes its too much... so many bad things have happened to me over the past few years, and I couldn't control them, or stop them or make them go away.. but this.. I can control this, and no one can stop me! it's something that I have on my own, that no one really knows about.. and I control it....

You know, it kind of sounds like you really do want help, and I think that that is definitly a good thing, and definitly a big step in hopefully a recovery to this. You know? Maybe your mom will let you go see someone, and you can talk to them about it and get better. I just hope that everything works out for you.

Keep me updated, and let me know how you're doing! :) Hope everythings okay!

Much love,
troubled

PS- While we were shopping, my best friend (the really skinny one) wanted to try on some clothes, and she told me to try them on with her, so i did. And she told me to get a small like her, because I'd probably fit in it, and I was like, uh no.. i can't fit into a small. So, she gave me the small anyways, but I took the medium with me. Well, I tried on the small, and it was a little bit around my stomach area.... how wierd is that.. I fit into a small...how? How is it that I was wearing the same size shirt as my skinny skinny friend but I am so much fatter than her! How? this is confusing.... I am trying to make sense of it.
Hey troubled,

hmmm, yeh I find it easier when im doing something. Tho when im on my own, I can just about stop myself, like yesterday all I ate was 1/4 of a small quiche and some salad. But I had some special K at breakfast but then....thank god......I burned something like 300 cals, exercising so I only ate about 200, not soo bad I guess. I find it sooo difficult mostly not to eat when my family is around me, I hate lying to my mum about what I have and haven't eaten but I just have to otherwise it would turn out even worse then it already is.

I'm exactly the same, I really want to be back at school properly, just so that I dont have to eat lunch. But then it gets so stressful at school and so when I am there I just want to be at home again. This hol is going to be so hard, I just have to stick my head up high, and do as much exercise as poss. I think my mum and I are going to join the local gym which will be fab.

ooo, whats a dermatologist?
If you went to a doctor, and just told him/her that you’re not happy about your weight and you dont know what to do and ask them what do they think. Im sure you wont look suspicious, he/she will understand. Last time I went to the doctor he asked me about my weight and I didnt speak up becuase my mum was there, soon i guess ill get the chance to speak whats on my mind. Seeing a doctor could be good for you, as loveloving says.

Its great that you have a really good best friend who you can trust and who will stick by you no matter what. I also have really bad trust issues with friends. I have only just really made a closer group of friends consisting of about 4 that I could tell about the eating disorder. I havent been great friends with them for very long but I feel our relationships is growing stronger everyday. I just dont want to loose them. I dont have a bestfriend anymore :( it soudns really sad when I type it out but I dont. My best friend in primary school..(age 5-12) was fab but then she moved into a different class in secondary school (age 12-16) and now we have split apart. I still go shopping and things with her, but I dont feel that I can really talk to her that much. My other best friend since the start of secondary school, is still an amazing friend, but once again we have drifted apart, we still go out and I go round to her house, but I have a boyfriend and so does she and I think that split us up a little, which isnt nice. and so I dont feel I could tell her as I would think she would judge me.

I look in the mirror and see me, see a girl fairly skinny, not majorly fat, but not stick thin, and just see me, no different each time I look, there's me, me again, and again and again no difference...ever. and it frustrates me. It first started of with looking at what I eat and telling myslef if I dont stop then I will become fat, maybe not now but when im slightly older, or maybe in a few weeks time. I put off not eating for ages until one day I just said, enough, no more eating. It developed slowly when I broke up with my boyfriend and he went out with someone else, I love him sooooo much, i was soooooo depressed without him, i didnt go out, i cried all the time and lost some of my friends because I was so upset. We got back together after him and his x broke up, but the eating problem still remained.

Thanks for the website address ill have a look at that in a min.

Thats really messed up about your friend. I really feel for you. I find some friends like that are really just.....wierd and confusing. I have this friend, which seems to be my friend one minute and then she'll get caught up with boys and drop me the next. Its like I never know when she's being nice or not. I feel she is judging me all the time, but she is really nice when she wants me to be her friend. Like you, I can't be bothered with people like that, its like they want to be my friend when it suits them, not me!

I used to get bullied in primary school a lot, by one friend in particular, but now we are not friends any more. But it still hurts looking back at it. Then in secondary school my "best friend" was really really nice, but all the boys loved her and I was ugly so they didnt talk to me. I felt she was always getting the attention and the boyfriends and no one wanted me, I felt so alone. since about 1 month ago, I only really had my boyfriend as my best friend. I had no one else. I found myself always calling other people up and asking them to come out or wateva. They would never ask me, and just go out without me, it really hurt, but my boyfriend stuck by me. :)

That is really sad about your music teacher. I dont really have a teacher that im really close to like you were with him, so I can only try and understand how you feel. I hate it when people ignore you when you are upset. Its not that we want attention its just that we want some comfort and someone to listen. and its hard when no one is a good enough friend even to do that. I say anyone who wont listen and judges or bitches behind my back is not worth it, i think its cruel and perfetic.

I really understand how you feel, and im sure ill find something better to say sometime today, and ill post to you again, but at the moment I have a really bad cold which is driving me insaine, and I dont know why because its hot outside lol.
I hope some of this helps, and I couldnt be much help this morning.

Hope you having a good day, Talk to you later

Lv Hannie

P.S. - I know what you mean about the e-mail thingy, I dunno how to get around it. Maybe we could find a site where we can exchange e-mail addresses on and some how meet on that.
Ill think of something
X

Lovelovely,

Thanks for what you said, I think im seeing a doctor soon, so hopefully i tell him a few things. I dunno about therapy- the word sorta scares me. and also I would hate my mum ever to find out unless she put me in it, and I would feel that I was distrusting her if I went behind her back, I would feel so bad.
Thanx for your post
Hannie x
Troubled,

I hope I haven't missed you before you go to camp, because I havent posted.
I hope everything is going well for you at the moment!
It's thundering and lightning outside at the moment (So much for the 2 weeks of 30'C sun we had :( ) Hopefully it will stop by tonight because I have a party in the local common.

Yesterday, It was very very very hot here in England, apparently ment to be a heat wave soon, tho the thunder doesnt help, lol, anyway, I had loads of friends round to my house and we sunbathed in the garden and got out a huge plastic mat and poured fairy liquid and water on it and skidded down it. It was great fun the only problem was, I had to wear my bikini, I was sooooo scared, I looked a little thinner then some of my friends but I was so self consious! I found myself having to breathe in all the time.

AND SIN OF ALL SINS YESTERDAY NIGHT>>>ARGH! I went to a party at my friends house because we have now officially finished all our exams, and well, I got a little bit 'how do you say' hyper and happy, and ended up telling this boy who is really really really nice, (like to talk to and chat to and muck about with) that I had an eating disorder, anyway, if that wasnt bad enough, there were these two other boys there, one who is fab aswell and I dont think would tell anyone, and the other I hardly know! Why did I do such a stupid thing like that!!!!!!!!! The thing is I dont even think I have an eating disorder, do I? I dont know, i know I have a problem with food, and its tearing me up and Im unhappy, but (leading back to your thread title) what attually is annorexia? am I annorexic, i dont look it, tho I know it doesnt have anything to do with if you look stick thin or not, but ARGH, i dont know, i just dont know anymore. I dont know what I am, I dont know who I am, I am
having such a mental breakdown, I just dont know what to do anymore, Im sooo stupid that I let myself get out of control at that party and tell those boys. Im sure it will be fine and they wont remember in the morning anyways that I told them, and two of them im pretty sure wont say anything, but ya know!?! I just hope nothing gets out.
I wonder why I even said that, why why why why? Because I dont really know if I have an eating disorder so why did I even say I have. I dont even remember how I brought it up in the convi! URGH! HELP!
Im soooo annoyed.

.............

Whats a dermatologist?

I think maybe a doctor, could be a good step for you, im attually warming to the idea of it myself, I might even ask him while im there if I should go into therapy or something I dont know. I dont think you would look suspicious if you went to a doctor, he/she would listen to you, and even if their not specialised in eating disorders im sure they might send you to someone who is if you really need it, or try themselves to regain something that you want to happen, like jutifing what your doing.

Thats really messed up about your friend, who just left you. I really hate people that are your friend one minute and not the next, or are friends with you when it suits them, I think its perfetic I know many friends like that, sometimes I just give up, but its hard when you want to be friends with somone, but you keep questioning if its worth it, at the moment I just dont have any energy for people like that.

hmmm, yeh I find it easier when im doing something to not eat. Tho when im on my own, I can just about stop myself. I find it sooo difficult mostly not to eat when my family is around me, I hate lying to my mum about what I have and haven't eaten but I just have to otherwise it would turn out even worse then it already is.

like you, I really want to be back at school properly, just so that I dont have to eat lunch. But then it gets so stressful at school and so when I am there I just want to be at home again. This hol is going to be so hard, I just have to stick my head up high, and do as much exercise as poss. I think my mum and I are going to join the local gym which will be fab.

Its great that you have a really good best friend who you can trust and who will stick by you no matter what. I also have really bad trust issues with friends. I have only just really made a closer group of friends consisting of about 4 that I could tell about the eating disorder. I havent been great friends with them for very long but I feel our relationships is growing stronger everyday. I just dont want to loose them. I dont have a bestfriend anymore it soudns really sad when I type it out but I dont. My best friend in primary school..(age 5-12) was fab but then she moved into a different class in secondary school (age 12-16) and now we have split apart. I still go shopping and things with her, but I dont feel that I can really talk to her that much. My other best friend since the start of secondary school, is still an amazing friend, but once again we have drifted apart, we still go out and I go round to her house, but I have a boyfriend and so does she and I think that split us up a little, which isnt nice. and so I dont feel I could tell her as I would think she would judge me.

I look in the mirror and see me, see a girl fairly skinny, not majorly fat, but not stick thin, and just see me, no different each time I look, there's me, me again, and again and again no difference...ever. and it frustrates me. It first started off with looking at what I eat and telling myslef if I dont stop then I will become fat, maybe not now but when im slightly older, or maybe in a few weeks time. I put off not eating for ages until one day I just said, enough, no more eating. It developed slowly when I broke up with my boyfriend and he went out with someone else, I love him sooooo much, i was soooooo depressed without him, i didnt go out, i cried all the time and lost some of my friends because I was so upset. We got back together after him and his x broke up, but the eating problem still remained.


I used to get bullied in primary school a lot, by one friend in particular, but now we are not friends any more. But it still hurts looking back at it. Then in secondary school my "best friend" was really really nice, but all the boys loved her and I was ugly so they didnt talk to me. I felt she was always getting the attention and the boyfriends and no one wanted me, I felt so alone. since about 1 month ago, I only really had my boyfriend as my best friend. I had no one else. I found myself always calling other people up and asking them to come out or wateva. They would never ask me, and just go out without me, it really hurt, but my boyfriend stuck by me.
But its hard sometimes when you dont have any other friends and all your boyfriend can tell you is........am I not good enough? why do you need other friends when you have me? etc etc

That is really sad about your music teacher. I dont really have a teacher that im really close to like you were with him, so I can only try and understand how you feel. I hate it when people ignore you when you are upset. Its not that we want attention its just that we want some comfort and someone to listen. and its hard when no one is a good enough friend even to do that. I say anyone who wont listen and judges or bitches behind my back is not worth it, i think its cruel and perfetic.

Right now im feeling really down, about what I said at the party last nite, and also i feel really sick. I think maybe if I just went to the loo and was sick I would feel so much better, ill probably try in a minute.
Why do I feel like this? how have I got to stage where I can and make myself physically sick and feel better for it? ive only made myself sick twice, but both times i feel so happy afterwards.

Yesterday I was having a good time with my friends, and they all made pasta salad in my kitchen, I only had a very little bit, but I really just wanted to eat the lot and say....i have no problem with food! But i do and I couldnt! ITS HARD, i just want it to go away

sorry for the rant today,
hope your having a better day then me!
looking forward to here how ya doin.

Lv
Hannie





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:14 AM.





© 2022 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!