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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board


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Hey,

Thanks Jade for your kind words. I know it isn't worth going back, I have too much to lose. I guess my problem is that I actually WAS happy at 8st (112lbs) I mean, I could lose more, but I didn't feel the need to like I do now. I can't hack it being this weight even though it's still underweight (apparently) I'm totally nowhere near a dangerous weight, and I just feel like a fraud...how can I have spent nine years of my life concentrating on being thin and be so fat now? It makes me feel so sick to think that people have to look at me like this, how I have to go to work and carry on as normal, how I can't just stay in bed for as long as it takes to lose the weight...and I don't get it, this time last year, like exactly the same week, I put on weight as well, I don't understand why it's happening again? Does this mean that every f****** June I'm going to put on weight whether I starve myself or not? It just makes no sense and I hate myself for no longer having the self-restraint to just starve myself, even though I know I can't go back there. All I want is to be 112lbs, is that too much to ask?

It feels like I have so many medical problems as well. I went through this thing on an ED website that was basically a list of all the things that can happen to you as a result of anorexia and bulimia. Most things are things I've got used to (bloating, digestive difficulties, edema (swelling of abdominal tissue) and general weakness and fatigue, but some things scare me a little like my heart rate, I mean, is 45bmp normal? In 'Wasted' Marya says 'good days, in the fifties, bad days, forties or lower' so surely it can't be healthy? I don't understand electrolytes but they scare me, I just don't know anything about the medical side effects as I've never been properly diagnosed (stupid I know) I've just learned to live with all these things being wrong with me. Surely I shouldn't have to do that?

I'm sorry, I'm rambling now. I can't think straight when I'm crying like this. I wish I could love myself, I really do, but I can't love myself when I look as horrible as this.





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