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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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i know it's tempting to stop sweetie, but i REALLY recommended you keep going. these things don't solve themselves, and i think we all need help to knock them out. What i'm about to say is probably hypocritical as i'm resisting seeking help myself right now, but i realize deep down that that's what i should be doing. (it's weird to see that written out.)
So, here it is: two years ago i was anorexic and i stopped seeing my counselor because i had gained and didn't want to "get better" and gain any more weight. i went on relatively comfortably for the next year and a half. "Comfortably" meaning i could NOT, no matter how hard i tried, stop counting calories. i lost that and even a little more, but still could not stop counting. Social activities, going out to dinner, vacations, holidays, going to the bar are ALL stressful activities to me now, because I'm afraid i'll consume too many calories and i can't stop counting. as a result, i don't really hang out with my friends that much anymore. (i used to be super social and fun!)
moving on, i've now developed this terrible binge eating disorder. I've gained over the past few months and i'm absolutely miserable. none of my clothes fit, my body disgusts me, and i still can't stop binging. i REALLY never see my friends anymore, because i'm trying to lose this weight by eating a day, and you can't go out to eat in America on that diet. (at least when i was eating a day, i could have a little bit of a social life!)
Again, i'm a hypocrite: i refuse to seek help because i've gained all this extra weight and i really want to lose it and i know getting help will mean being "cured" and keeping it on. BUT, i truly regret not staying in counselling when i was there. If i could have kicked this thing then (because it's gotten SO much worse over time), i know i'd be MUCH happier today. all those things that are supposed to be fun would be again, and i wouldn't be constantly obsessing over my looks, my clothes, exercise, food, nutrition, weight loss, my thighs, my arms, my stomach, low fat, diet plans, etc. It's EXAUSTING to live this way!!! Just think of how carefree and fun life could be if you didn't have to deal with all this stuff. It's hard to imagine, but life with out an ED is possible, and i know we will both get there and be so much happier.
so, my advice is to stay there. if i was brave and strong enough, i'd be there myself . . .

You all are great for being strong for me when I need it and here to listen and put up with me! :) Maggie...that's great that you've taken that step to get help. Someday I'll do that. That's cool that you're a social worker because that is what I see right now and I'm not sure why. I wonder why the school picked a social worker instead of a therapist or something. I dont know the school system, but it just seems odd. I figured social workers dealt with bad family issues or abused/troubled students (like fighting or drug stuff). That comment you made about how you dont treat ed patients got me thinking. That's really what I want to do with myself. Psychology or even an Eating Disorder Specialist is my point of interest right now but how can I help others like me when I cant even help myself????? I cant dig down inside of me and say...."hey I wont like psychology anymore". That's the medical feild that I've put a lot of thought into lately and I think I'll do best in. But what happens when I run into someone who has an ed or who cuts. Yeah I will definitly be able to listen and understand, but as far as really getting them out of the situation....I dont know. At first I thought that maybe God allowed me to go through this so that I could embrace psychology and help others who deal with eating disorders, but now it wont go away nor do I want it to leave, so how can I do all of that? Misspants....I'm glad you can understand too. I am so gone in my ed that I'm not sure if that point where it turns on me has come or if it's waiting. I dont like to think of "this" as a monster. Right now, it's my only way of control, a friend. On days where I eat and dont purge....well there's two mistakes in my mind....(1) I ate and (2) I didn't throw up......I feel like I'm letting my ed down. To me that's normal- eating and not throwing up. So when I'm "normal", I, for some reason, feel incomplete. Like I'm nobody or just like everybody else. My ed is my way of escaping from the world and when I act like everyone else, then that power is taken away. I used to throw up every thing that entered my mouth and now that it's summer, I feel like since I wont have to wear nice tight jeans to school and no one will see me, I can keep some stuff in but make up for it later. I get so exhausted from purging that if I find a VERY good reason not to (like, "oh I'll fast tomorrow because I have all summer to get even skinnier so this little thing wont matter") I take it and wont purge. Sounds normal, or that I'm getting better but I really go throught HELL doing that! I feel so guilty that I wont let myself sleep because I am afraid that food will digest when I sleep, so I want to find the energy to get up and go purge, but I cant and I'm up until 4:00am and end up falling asleep anyway with that food in. This is every night! I feel bad for making you all read so much, but this is the only place where I can come and tell how I really feel without much judgement. And I thank you all so much. Sometimes when I read other people's posts on different threads and they're really long I just dont want to keep going, but I know that they need support just as bad as I do. So I am commited now to responding more to other threads for the sake of someone's compfort or happiness. Because I know that I feel safe and welcomed when I get a post from someone that cares so much without even knowing me. And just so you know, this message board is becoming one good coping mechanism for me! It actually helps me lessen some behaviors of my ed or cutting, so your care is helping a sufferer. Thankyou.

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