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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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[QUOTE=msjones]Hey everyone. I am new here and I wanted to share my experience with Anorexia. First of all, it's not something I'm necessarily proud of. I try and hide it as much as possible.

It all started in December when I got involved in a long-distance relationship with a guy I met online. We discussed meeting in person, but knew it would be months before it would be possible. I weighed close to 230lbs then and knew he had only dated petite, Asian women so I had competition.

I exercised rigorously every day and ate light and sensibly. Then I stopped eating altogether. It happened quite by mistake. I got really busy at work one day and I found that drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes sustained me, but by the end of the day I was so hungry I felt nauseous. So, I skipped dinner. By the next day the hunger pangs had subsided.

I felt empowered. So, I decided to test my body's ability to sustain itself on caffeine and nicotene. I found I could go all week and only eat two very small meals. I still had energy to run about two miles five times a week.

I lost thirty pounds in the first five months. Then the guy came out to see me and he told me I was fat. I was devestated. He told me I would be stunning if I lost some weight and that if I wanted to be with him, I would have to prove myself.

The week after he left to go back home I knew it was over. I sobbed at the airport as I walked away because I knew in my heart I'd never see him again. The following week I could not eat and I could not sleep. It caught up with me on that Thursday as I was sitting at work. My stomach started to cramp up and I was constantly having to run to the bathroom with diarrhea. I knew I didn't have a bug. It was all that coffee and nothing solid in my system for days. I had terrible shakes and felt faint walking. I went home and tried to eat a small helping of dry pasta. It came right up. When I told my (now ex-) boyfriend that I had been sick he said, "well, good. Maybe you lost about five pounds." I hated him so much at that moment I dumped him on the spot. My mother (who also struggles with Ana) told me, "at your weight you're good enough to *f*, but not good enough to date seriously. I'm not telling you this to be mean. I just know how men are." I sobbed into my pillow all night.

I weigh myself every day, sometimes more than once. I feel in control when I don't eat and I see food as the enemy. If I eat it's something small and bland like a small, sugar-free applesauce cup or some plain tuna fish or a salad with no dressing. I have the shakes and my heart races. My hair is falling out and my menstrual cycles are all screwed up. I need to eat, but I'm terrified to. I go to the tanning salon because otherwise I would be absolutely pasty and lifeless looking. I just want to get back down to 130lbs, like I was in high school. I only need to lose 50 more pounds. I want to lose it by Christmas.[/QUOTE]

I know this post is a little old, but I wanted to share anyway. My heart really goes out to you about the mother stuff. My mother was always dieting and never happy with herself when I was younger. I'm not sure if she had ED's, but her behaviors definitely had a direct effect on me. I've been anorexic, bulimic, and a overeater for most of my life. I'm 35. Also, I came from a very abusive childhood (verbal, physical, and sexual) so I know firsthand that words can hit just as hard as a fist. I think that what your own mother said to you was absolutely horrible. I also think that her perception of men is really distorted, they're not all that way, at all. Regarding the weight issue, losing weight is fine if it's done in a healthy way. If not, you may find yourselft spending Christmas in the hospital. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just a concerned person. :) Take care.

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