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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board


Eating Disorder Recovery Board Index


hi everyone. I've been looking at these threads for a little over a week now, and i feel like i have so much in common with you all that i need to talk to you. i don't really know what to do about my ED anymore. it's completely taken over my life and i'm trying so hard to fight it, but i'm just not getting anywhere.

Here's the brief history. (This might be long, but i really need some help, so if you have time to read it, i'd really appreciate it.) Two summers ago i decided to start eating healthier and working out. I'm 6 feet tall, i'd always been 140-145 pounds, and i'd ALWAYS wanted to be 135. So I started running and eating less. For whatever reason, I was obsessed with counting fat grams (not calories), and I'd try to eat as few as possible (like 10 or less, i don't really remember). I got really skinny (120ish pounds) and I was super excited. But my mom and friends got worried and i went to a nutritionist and therapist. i had to eat trail mix and dessert everyday (total freak out in terms of fat), but i did, got up to 133ish, convinced them i was better (i wasn't) and stopped going. some time around last winter i decided to count calories instead. i loved it, because i could eat way more foods, i just had to watch how much of them i ate. For awhile, (from the running) my metabolism was so high i was counting up to like 2500 calories (basically i had to eat Hostess cupcakes, etc. for dessert everyday in order to get that high and still eat relatively healthily.) But i couldn't stop counting! Even eating that much . . . i felt like i would have to count everyday for the rest of my life. but even though i was still too skinny (like 120-125 pounds) I was terrified to stop counting because i didn't want to get fat. anyway, this is getting long, so i'll make the rest quick. My boyfriend and i moved in together in a new city last fall, and everything went totally out of control. I controlled my calories even more and for some reason decided that 1900 or 2000 was enough. I got down to like 115, and seeing pictures now, I realize that i was really sickly looking (keep in mind i'm 6 feet tall). anyway, all the stress, etc. led to a terrible binging cycle that i'm still fighting now. i've binged over 50% of the time since last November. i used to starve myself the next day (i can't throw up, thank God), but now i force myself to eat the "right" amount of calories the next day, even though i feel like a whale. I'm probably about 145 pounds right now (we don't have a scale anymore), NONE of my clothes fit (which makes me miserable), and all i want is to get down to like 130, so my clothes fit and i can start working on stopping counting calories.

So that's basically it. i'm eating around 1200 calories a day right now, because i really want to get rid of some of this weight. I know it would work if i could just stop binging. I run 4 miles 5 days a week, i drink a ton of water, and still i can't stop. My boyfriend thinks i binge because i'm not eating enough, but my binges don't usually start because i'm hungry. i don't even know why they start. i don't know why i can't just stop or not start at all. does anyone have any advice? how can i stop? is this a good amount to be eating everyday? am i exercising enough? basically, any help you can offer. i'm feeling kind of lost and i don't know what to do anymore.





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