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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board


Eating Disorder Recovery Board Index


first off, HUGE congrats to maggietudor for telling her husband. don't you feel a thousand times lighter?!?

okay, my news: i told my mom about my binge eating/calorie counting problem and I'm going to get help! i've finally had enough of the struggling and the hating my body and the not being able to eat fried chicken and donuts, because i'd just binge! (not that i'm planning on living on them :) , but i'd like to have the option!)

basically, i had a huge and painful binge friday night, and i was like, "just pick up the phone and tell her. EVERYTHING. the fat counting, calorie counting, exercising, binging, starving, fear of restaurants, etc!" and then i just did it. i think if i hadn't done it in the mania of binge mode, i wouldn't have been brave enough, but i'm SO glad i did. i'm so SICK of counting calories and having no social life and binging because i'm lonely and worrying all the time about food and my body and letting those stupid things affect me. i don't give a sh** anymore. (well actually, i do, but i'm working and determined not to). i want to be happy and have tons of friends (like i used to) and go out and eat ANYTHING at all and not feel horrible and eat the entire kitchen afterwards. i don't care if i even GAIN 20 lbs by stopping binging. (which i have to keep reminding myself, probably won't happen. right now i'm binging like 50% of the days, so when you balance out 6,000 calories per binge day with 1200 calories on a "good" day, I probably really COULD eat anything and not gain any weight!) i just cannot do this anymore. i'm sick of wanting to be a little stick. i want to be a woman and have some curves and some fat (all of which i have now, i just have to learn to love and accept it rather than disliking it). So, obviously, i still have a ways to go, because i'd still like to lose 5-10 pounds, when i realize that what i REALLY need to lose is that desire to lose! But i'm hoping that with some good professional help, i can overcome this beast once and for all. (and when i do, big huge brownie ice cream sundaes are on me!)

really quick, here's my break-through moment of last night (I'm so proud of myself that i just have to tell): we went out to dinner and i didn't order the healthiest thing and i didn't estimate the calories and i didn't binge or overeat and i didn't feel guilty! i felt great!!! i was only really brave enough to do it because i feel like i'm in limbo until i get some professional guidance (and i felt so sick from a saturday night binge that i didn't really eat much during the day). My mom (who is staying with me to help me set up the initial appointments) and boyfriend and i went to this BBQ place and I ordered a pulled turkey BBQ sandwich, cornbread and collard greens. I ate like 2/3 of the cornbread, 2/3 of the greens, a handful of my mom's sweet potato fries, and some of the meat out of the sandwich (only like two actual bites of it cuz it was so messy and the meat kept falling out!) Anyway, I just ate slowly and until I was full, and now, reading that, i realize that i DID NOT overeat at all. in fact, most people would probably see that as not enough. but for me at that time, it was. i was full (but not stuffed) and i didn't restrict myself or set any limits on how much i would eat and when i would have to stop to stay within my calorie goals. It felt so natural and wonderful!!! and easy, like, "why don't i do this at every meal?" but, sadly, as we all know too well, it's not that easy. anyway, i just wanted to let you all know. i'm back to counting calories again today, just because i really don't know what else to do. i can't wait to start seeing some doctors. i really don't think i can move forward without their help and i am really READY to move forward.

(almost done writing, i promise) Tons of hugs and kisses and HUGE thanks to all you girls! you helped me stay motivated and focused and i really think talking to you all is what made me realize that i couldn't do this on my own. i'll keep you updated and (obviously) still be here for all of you, but i just wanted to say, THANKS!





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