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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Re: Hurt
Jul 19, 2005
thank you for the encouraging and kind words. It still amazes me the strength that each and every person in here has, its just amazing. And I am thankful that everyone is not afraid to step up and give the love and support that some of us desperately need, even tho we have never met its like we connect as tho we've always been friends, and can just reach out and accept the support that everyone will give.
I am definately scared that this "thing" is going to control me for the rest of my life. Its like every single thing in my life is out of my control, its like I cant do anything to keep my life ogoing the way I want and need it to go. I have seen so much pain, heartache, tragedy and just pure hell in my life that I just want to take a cover and go hide in the closet for the rest of my life. I know it may sound crazy, but at times I feel like im going crazy. I think it must be the deprivation of food, nutrients and vitamins. I've recently started takin a multi vitamin to try to help myself out somewhat. But I dont think that they are helping. My real dad takes tons of vitamins and he insisted that they would make me feel SO much better and that they would give me more energy. I think that I'm getting ready to just quit taking them again because if they arent helping whats the point in taking a pill everyday.. u know?? When I went to the dr's on friday to see about my racing heart, the doctor made me so mad, as soon as they took me back, the nurse weighed me u know, and I weighed 105 which is up 7 pounds from the 98 that i had been at for the past two weeks so that wwas good, my good friend thats been tryin to help me, D, was really happy about that and told me how proud of me she was. but the doctor come in, and the time before that when i had been to the doctors which was only like a month ago and i had gotten myself all the way up to 120 which was just amazing, i had been doing so good, and then u know, not even a month later im back down to 105 sp the doctor....ugh she pissed me off....comes over and looks n my nose and down my throat and looks at my arms and is like you smoke and i was like yea, and she said u snort coke?! CRACK?! shoot HERION!?? DO YOU?! DO YOU?! It made me so mad that I go in there for some help about my heart and she tries to practically accuse me of doing drugs, that i dont do! I cant say i never have, because I was addicted to a lot of drugs for a long time, but I have been drug free for almost two years now, and so I guess thats why it made me even madder than it should have. But I dont know, I just wanna get thru this

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