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That is a question I think probably everyone with an ED has asked themselves. I read an interesting article in a local newspaper the other day about ED's being linked to an imbalance in brain chemistry. They believe the part of the brain that has to do with reward and reinforcement may be damaged or have a chemical imbalance resulting in an ED. That's the reason people with ED's just continue to lose weight wanting to be thinner and thinner but yet don't ever become satisfied with themselves. However that may be the reason to blame for some people with ED's but not all because alot of people with ED's fully recover from them and if a chemical imbalance in the brain were to blame I don't think "full" recovery would be possible. There is so much to know yet about ED's. That is why I'm studying psychology and working toward a master's degree. I plan to work with people with ED's because I can relate. I've been in recovery for awhile now and am ALOT better than what I used to be. I still struggle at times but I feel like I'm making more and more progress all the time. It's so hard I know, but your b/f, parents, and your friends are right. You do need to gain. They aren't just saying that....they mean it because they love you and are worried about you. My b/f, friends, and family all used to tell me the same thing. I was in denial first too and didn't want to believe them because I thought I looked good but something came over me one day that made me realize they were right and I didn't look good and was very unhealthy. I began recovery that day. I'm 5'1" and went down to near 90 pounds. I was like you...I weighed 115 right after I had my daughter then I wanted to get down to 110...then 105...then 100...then 95...and so on. It just never stopped! I was never happy with myself no matter what. But now that I'm in recovery I'm learning to love and accept myself as I am. That is the key to truly being happy with who you are and with your body. I now take very good care of my body because I believe your body is the temple of your soul and you should love it and cherish it. I eat healthy and get the nutrients my body needs, but I'm also an ice cream and chocolate lover so I don't deny myself those kind of foods either because they are pleasurable...good for the mind :) . I practice yoga several times a week which helps me to relax and also tones my muscles and plus I just love doing it. That is the important thing with have to like it! It shouldn't be something you have to push yourself to do or it feels like "work" or an shouldn't feel like that. I'm reading a book right now entitled "Bodylove". It's really good and I would definently recommend it. I wish all of you the best of luck and just hang in there ok? I know this is hard!
I think about this all the time. I don't even fully understand why. I've actually never really seen it as a control issue but more as an identity. Lately, I've been reading "a purpose driven life" and it is totally changing my life, by the way, but coming to realize that my identity isn't here, on earth, but after my body leaves this earth. It's like I know that intellectually but to surrender myself and trust completely is so hard because I still worry about gaining weight. Its so weird because I want so much to be married and have babies someday, but I know that most guys don't want skinny women. I am 5'8 and even when I weiged 87 I felt that I should be skinnier because that would get me more attention, even though I know It wouldn't be positive attention, but more like the "oh, Morgan, please gain weight, we care so much, we don't want you to die, blah blah blah", But it was attention and I desperately sought it out. It was also a time issue, boredom. I would starve and starve or spend hours minutely mincing my veggies and then eat each piece one at a time just to fill my day. Or I would binge and purge til I threw up stomach acid, sometimes 3 times/day. Exercise for hours and all this for what????!!!! What really was my ultimate goal. i think I truly forgot about wanting to be thin and it all just became lifestyle. I guess that why I struggle so much now because I have to make a complete lifestyle change. Anyway, sorry this got so long.

Wow, well it is good to see that i am DEFINATELY not alone! Here i was not thinkin anyone was even going to respond or relate to what i was ranting about! If i were to try to talk about this with anyone of my friends or family they would most definately not understand.

Lauren: I'm glad that you can relate with me. And I can relate to you relating to me!! :) if that makes sense! I love reading all of the posts people put up that I connect with, I'm relieved to see that some you can truely relate to mine! I know the "high" you are talking about. Sometimes i feel like all is right in the world after a purge. Like i have righted all that is wrong. It definately must be something chemical, because that is sure not a normal, healthy thought process!!!

Piscean: Your thoughts and feedback were truely motivating and inspirational. I will definately have to go and check out that Bodylove book you were talking about! It's good to hear someone who went through a struggle similar to mine and came out as well as you did! I fear for what will happen to me when i have kids will i handle the weight gain from pregnancy?! A long ways off, yet still worries my mind. Maybe eventually I can enjoy my guilty pleasures (chocolate!) and not feel so guilty about them too!

[QUOTE=zeroprophecy9] It was also a time issue, boredom. I would starve and starve or spend hours minutely mincing my veggies and then eat each piece one at a time just to fill my day.[/QUOTE] Morgan I know what you mean. My binging and purging has gotten soooo much worse over summer vacation just because I have had less to do. I went from dorm, sorority, and out of state college life to a slow summer in my home town. No school, and busy friends and family. I dont know if I am secretly calling for attention or what (even if it is negative like you said), but i do know that whenever I am alone and bored, i turn to three things: food, purging, and exercise. What a terrible cycle!!!
[QUOTE=SammyT] most of u guys have horrible events happen to ur life and i honestly dont have one and i feel so bad to why am i doing this to myself if my life is fine? [/QUOTE] Sammy, I feel guilty all the time for the exact same reason. Boys always liked me, i always had friends and a loving family, got good grades, rode horses, was on the volleyball team, played the piano....blah blah blah. Anyways what i'm saying is, i feel dumb too for not being able to pin-point why i started this. We all put so much pressure on ourselves, and maybe it doesnt always take something traumatic for this all to start...or maybe it's something we've blocked out and suppressed. I think finding out may be one of the keys to full recovery.

Maggie: You are right, I make myself feel like food and purging are the only things in life that will not let me down...and (again you are right) it is twisted!

[QUOTE=Sumi] ....nobody has an ED just to get attention. There are always underlying factors.[/QUOTE] Amen sumi. my ED is definately beyond JUST a cry for attention, although I think our own guilt sinks in to make us think so.

another thing i noticed:
[QUOTE=NatashaW]I think Bulimics and Drug addicts have lot in common. .[/QUOTE]
They say that people with ED's are highly more likely to develop alcoholism. I wouldnt doubt if the coreelation was the same with drug abuse. Makes sense doesnt it? The addictive traits we have and all....

I always looked at my ED as weird because it wasn't about looking better or being more attractive, which is what I always thought everyone else with an ED was striving for. Boy was I wrong!
What I think it comes down to is that my ED has become such a big part of my life and helps me identify myself with who i am (sad, but true)...that without my ED i feel like I'll have nothing. I've never been able to picture myself without it, nor do i feel like i want to, even though i know i should. Maybe I'm afraid of confronting my "real self" that is underneath all this preoccupation with food and being skinny.

WoO that was long but i just wanted to let you guys know that i hear ALL of you and wish you the best. I truely do. :angel:
Thank you guys sooo much for all of your thoughts and responses!

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