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I've been faced with some pretty hard days over the past week and the beginning of this week. And most of the time I rely on myself completely and will not turn to anyone else not even for a little bit of help. I always feel like i am a burden to anyone that I talk to about my problems. I always feel like im the one who is supposed to help everyone else, and that no one is supposed to help me. Well I dont know why, ive been trying to figure it out tonite since I've got home, but I dont know why but I called my brothers girlfriend this afternoon, whom im very close with. I called her about 6 and asked her what she was doing, her mom owns a pizza shop so she was in helping her mom clean up and then she was going home ot get a shower, so she told me to call her back in about an hour and I did and she asked me what I needed and I asked her if I could drive in town to her house to talk to her about some things and she said of course, which i knew she would but I still had to ask her. and it took me about another hour just to finally pull myself together to go in there and she had to run into the pizza shop to help her mom close so I rode there with her and I actually ate a hot fudge sundae!! I was proud of myself, but disappointed at myseelf at the same time because Yeah I did eat something, which is better than what i normally eat, nothing. But it wasnt healthy and I havent eaten in two days, and I know i need to i know I look horrible.and after we got the shop all closed down and clean we went back to her house so we could talk and we sat and talked for 3 hours and as bad as i felt the whole time I feel a lot better now. I still feel bad, but much better than I have. I had talked to some people before about how I couldnt cry, well I cried tonite and I cried a lot, for almost the whole three hours I was talking to D. i talked to her about my ED. She already knew I was anorexic, everyone does, just by the way I look. but we've breifly talked about it before, not in detail, but just enough for me to answer yes when she asked me if I was anorexic, and well her and I being very close, she is one of my best friends i couldnt lie to her, thats one thing I am not....a liar, and I dont get along well with liars either. but we sat tonite and talked a lot about my ED about how I know I look bad, she told me that she didnt want me to say that I looked bad, because she said its going to make me hate myself more than i already do and I'm just going to not want to eat that much more. I can't believe I actually sat there and told her exactly how I felt. I havent done that with the three things I talked to her about with anyone else ever. we even talked about going to the doctors and going to a psychologist or therapist, and she agreed with me when I told her I couldnt do it, because if you would know me very well you would know how I am with issues. i will not talk to anyone, Almost all of my friends and I have never once spoken about anything that upsets me or that I struggle with because no matter what i will always say im good, or im fine or its okay i will never give in and say im hurting or i need help, its like in my mind that is me showing weakness, i even told D that too. And I went to a psych. before and I would not talk to her. I have a hard enough time trying to open up to people that I've known for over half of my life and I can't do it....so I dont know how I could be expected to talk to a stranger about my life. I'm so much of a closed person I just cant do it. It took me almost an hour just to start talking to D about the things I called and asked her if I could go talk to her over. But she was patient and very loving and kind with me like she always is, like a sister i never had. and im sure she'll marry my brother so she will be my sister n law....she told me that she was worried about me all the time, she said that I always have big circles under my eyes because I dont get enough sleep, she said that even tho I try to cover it up with makeup that they can still be seen. even my eye lids like a complete circle the whole way around my eyes are always really dark, so I always wear dark eye makeup and it covers up the tops of the circles, but i just cant get the bottoms covered up. and she told me that even tho I try to hid it she knows that all of my bones show, my ribs, and hips and spine, she took the bracelet off of my right wrist that i always wear, its just a metal bracelet that hooks and i could cut it down to the perfect size,and it would only go almost halfway around her arm, and i know it would fit my 4 year old nephew. and that is sad. I just sat and cried after a little bit. I finally got it together and I had never spoken to anyone about me being abused sexually when I was a freshman, I wrote a letter to my ex boyfriend when i was with him, we had been together for two years and i have problems n the relationships because of it, esp close intimate probs and sexual probs and i felt he had a right to know why things were the way they were with me and he wanted to ask a lot of questions to me after he read the letter and i told him a few things and told him that i didnt want to talk about it that it was just too damn hard and i wasnt ready yet. Well when my best friend was crying to me before he died almost two years ago about when he was sexually abused as a little boy and i said i understand he started yelling and screaming at me saying that i couldnt understand because id never been there, and I told him that it happened to me to, but I wouldnt go into talkking about it, but he knew I would never say i understand unless ive been there and I do, and he knew i never talked to anyone about it before so he didnt think I had been there. But I talked to D about it tonite. I couldnt believe that I did, I never planned to but she got it out of me, she asked me why I hated myself, because I told her i did and I said because when I was a freshman a lot of really bad stuff happened to me and it made me hate myself, and she sat there a minute and she said what bad stuff? and I made her promise to keep it between the two of us because I dont want it to get out and to the open where i have to talk to everyone about it, I'm notready yet, i just finally spoke about it for the first time ever so its a small step, but its a step. I cried so hard and i tried so damn hard to fight the tears back I even bit my lip. I always do that when i try not to cry, and i bit my lip so hard I left teeth marks there, that r still there almost 3 hrs after the fact. I cried and cried, I hate to cry, but it has made me feel a lot better, to get it off my chest. and get some help with it. Get some support and encouragement and love from someone close to me that i love. She hugged me and told me that she felt horrible about it, that no one deserves it, especially not me and that i cant keep thinkingg that it was my fault. Because she said I'm doing the same thing with being abused as I do with losing my best friend, she said I'm taking it all on me like I asked to be abused or like I told andy to get in the car and go for a ride after being completely trashed. I dont know. I still feel like I wish I could just jumo in a little time machine and go back and fix every bad thing in my life so that whenever I would get to this point in my life when im twenty. I would be happy, anorexic free - that i never had it ever-, I would havev not been abused, my father and I would be close, I would have no lost my best friend that night, Id save his life........its like one of my favorite poems.....by Robert Frost....."Birches" this is my favorite line n the poem........
"I'd like to get away from earth awhile
And then come back to it and begin over."

But yet, wouldn't we all if we could fix this part.....thanks for letting me unload what ive been thinking and whats been going on. Sometimes I just have to get things out and I guess this is one of those nights. I've got to work and i havent had but a few hours sleep a nite this week, and im just emotionally drained, and physically drained, just exhausted. Please keep me in your prayers, I'm in a little tough time right now. Keep your head up always and never get down on urself. You are everyone of you beautiful in your own unique way





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