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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board


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Re: Fight Club!
Oct 11, 2005
[QUOTE=bkfree]Well it feels **** good to hear about how you are doing anyway. [/quote]

tsk. such language. :nono: :jester: :D

[QUOTE=bkfree]I am glad you are focusing on the progress you have made, and I do hope you can "phase out" the ed all together. Even a little bullemia, is still coping in a way that harms you now, and ultimately later. [/QUOTE]

hmmm. well, this is a bit of a slippery slope. could lead to some fun debate though. actually, i agree with all of that completely, BUT it's very textbook and takes in to account only the physical aspect of the disease and not the psychological, when really there has to be a delicate balance between the two (hahaha... you know how annoying it is when people say the cure to bulimia is to get your fingers out of your throat, right? it's true, but at the same time completely WRONG!). of COURSE i plan to phase out the rest of the sickness. i really do. but at the same time, while i'd never want to develop a nicotine gum habit for no apparent reason, if i WAS a smoker and COULD move on to nic gum, i'd be all about the bite-bite-stop, baby. of course ultimately the goal would be to give up the gum too, but even if that was never possible, i'd still be a lot healthier and happier for not inhaling a bunch of carcinagens several times a day, and that is a success unto itself. does that analogy make sense?

another thing that applies to me specifically is that while most of you are addicted to the binge and see the purge as a neccesary but unpleasant step in the cycle, i'm the opposite. i live for the purge. i don't WANT to be thinner -- i want to hurt myself. the boastful anorexics on this board annoy me just as much as they do you guys, but only because i think their worldviews are skewed and i don't like that they hurt YOU. but they DON'T trigger me. i don't see girls thinner than myself and feel envy -- i see them and want to help them stop having an eating disorder (because i KNOW they do). i've been made to feel worthless most of my life, as i'm sure most of you had, but while you guys cope with feelings of inadequacy by seeking approval (hence the persuit of bodily "perfection"), i'm to the point where i'm so afraid to let people down that i actually seek out DISSAPROVAL (even from myself) through such devices as cutting and puking so that everyone, including myself will have such low expectations of me that they'll NEVER be dissapointed. anyway, i'm afraid if the bulimia was ripped away from me, i might go irreparably ape on myself with a knife or boiled pennies. again. i feel that now, more than ever, i have come to grips with my psychological limitations, and the bulimia is NOT going to be something that is gone with the wave of a magic wand. right now being "less bulimic" is a huge deal for me. i'm happier than i've been in a log time and am not always focused on how i'm going to break away to puke all the time. mostly what i do now (on my throw-up days which are becoming increasingly rare) is eat a little more than i wanted to for supper, and when my stomach starts to spazz (a result of a year of bulimia i suppose), i let it do its thing and throw up a fairly small portion of what i ate. it's not great, i know... BUT i do keep an acceptable amount of calories down, and save my teeth and throat that blast of pure acid that always comes at the end of a full-on binge/purge.

haha... this is long. still with me?

anyway, what i'm getting at is that we've all got to realize that we're all VERY different people, and we have to come to terms with how our individual minds work, rather than just trying to heal ourselves through measures that are too extreme for us to handle on a psychological level. i don't think doing it this was would work for ALL of you, but rest assured i haven't become passive towards bulimia. in fact, i haven't really BINGED in a long time. i just have to work on the purge, and that seems a lot less overwhelming to me than the idea of conquering the whole disease at once.

but, seeing as none of us is CURED yet, it's impossible for any of us to say we know the solution, or even if there IS only one definitive solution. seeing as we're both taking different approaches to the thing, why not compare notes? it may help us assess which methods are best suited to which personality types, and make us better able to help others in the future.

well, i guess i'll talk to you tomorrow, my good friend!

cheers,
snitter
Re: Fight Club!
Oct 11, 2005
Snitter,
I think it's funny (not ha ha funny, but hmmmm funny) how you are so adamant on thinking you are so different than the rest of the group, and the rest of the bulmics and anorexics in the world.
This board is an eating disorder board and you my amazing friend have an eating disorder, and in case you haven't noticed, not every body here talks about the desire to be thin to seek out approval. Yes for many women with Eds, it seems like it is all about being thin, but that is surface ****. It always goes much deeper than that. It is about control!!!!! And your need to punish yourself is the same thing. I mean you talk about this need to hurt yourself. Why? What is it that you think you have done to this world that is deserving of the pain you inflict on your body? And starving, bingeing and purging, laxative abuse, cutting and even shoving toilet paper and cat treats down your throat for the pure thrill of the pain it brings throwing it back up is all the same stuff my dear.

The thing I used to think before revovery was that there was no one sicker than me. Natsha thought the same thing, we all do. We can't be cured, blah blah blah.

When I first became bulimic, I did some pretty nasty stuff to purge, some things that doctors are amazed I am even alive today. (I won't say what they were as to not give any "want to become better bulimics" tricks of the trade so to speak. As I got older, I developed easier and what I thought were less harmful ways, and I even seemed to function better physically and mentally. You know what that kind of reasoning is called Snitter? I will give you a hint.......Denial is NOT a river in Egypt.

The fact of the matter here is what we are doing is dangerous, whether it is once a month, or once every hour and we all need to find ways to handle our emotions, the emotions that bring us to harm ourselves, in more positive ways. For me what is working right now is unconventional by the ways and means of Modern medical science but it is working, and you know why?????
Becasue I am discovering my true passions. I have become passionate about mylife and my health now, not just enthusiastic. There is a huge difference.
For me my passion is self awareness, spirituality and inner peace and calm. The path I am on to achieve this is called Ayurveda, and it involves Yoga, breathing, a healthy eating plan, meditation etc. i could try to push Ayurveda on all of you guys, but it is what I have discovered is my passion. Now the ed is getting better because It doesn't really have a place on my path. Plus the ED is what is the cause of my back problems. There is nothing wrong with my spine and thousands of dollars and terribly painful procedues and medications that I got addicted to later, it turns out it is all in my stomach lining, esophagus and gall bladder. The inflammation and tears from the bulemia cause trigger points to refer pain to my back. So you see it really is all connected.

Oh and your analogy about the gum thing. I used to bartend on the beach and this terribly annoying woman decided to quit smoking by using the gum, Well she got so addicted to the freakin gum, she would probably have to start smoking again just to get off of it. She is just replacing one addiction with another. Nicotine causes Physical dependence. SI and Bulemia does not. Your physical body would gladly help you stop, but mentally well that is another thing, and for you it is not a habit like smoking because you say you want to hurt yourself. Cigarrete smokers don't smoke becasue they are hoping to get lung cancer. (well I sure hope they don't, and being a cig smoker I can assure you we don't)
Are you stayng with me on this.

Snitter, you are way too cool, and gifted and eloquent and brilliant for 22 to do tis to yourself. So again I ask you......Why do you want to hurt yourself???? My twin was a cutter. i asked her before she committed suicide why she did it. She said it was the only thing that made her feel.
Okay I don't want to give you emotional heartburn, so please digest okay?

I know I am your favorite Cyberpal, so think *** **** **. Oy, the blasphemy.

Love, BK ;) :rolleyes:
Re: Fight Club!
Oct 12, 2005
[QUOTE=bkfree]Snitter,
I think it's funny (not ha ha funny, but hmmmm funny) how you are so adamant on thinking you are so different than the rest of the group, and the rest of the bulmics and anorexics in the world.[/quote]

i do it because the psychology behind the disease fascinates me, and also because a lot of times one of you guys will say something and i'll think "oh wow -- i don't GET that." i never denied i have an eating disorder, i just think it's important to remember that bulimia isn't something that is replicated factory-style... it's a million different things to a million different people, and i'm a good example of that because i don't CARE about fitting into a size 0, and walking through a junk food aisle is EASY for me.

[QUOTE=bkfree]The thing I used to think before revovery was that there was no one sicker than me. Natsha thought the same thing, we all do. We can't be cured, blah blah blah..[/quote]

this doesn't apply to me at all.

[QUOTE]You know what that kind of reasoning is called Snitter? I will give you a hint.......Denial is NOT a river in Egypt.[/quote]

once again, don't talk to me like i'm three years old. i never once said that i'm just going to stop trying to get better, now did i? what am i denying? that i have an eating disorder? certainly not. that purging is harmful? no. but while we're in corny metaphors mode, on the Road to Recovery, a purge is a pothole. it slows you down, does some damage, and is frustrating as anything, but at the end of the day, it's a pothole -- not a rip in the space-time continuum that cancells all progress and sends you back to your starting point.

[qoute]The fact of the matter here is what we are doing is dangerous, whether it is once a month, or once every hour and we all need to find ways to handle our emotions, the emotions that bring us to harm ourselves, in more positive ways.[/quote]

see... you seem to think i don't agree with this, but i do.

[quote]Snitter, you are way too cool, and gifted and eloquent and brilliant for 22 to do tis to yourself.[/quote]

actually, Natasha's 22. i'm 24. minor technicality. ;)

[quote]So again I ask you......Why do you want to hurt yourself???? [/quote]

ohhhh... um, i think everybody's already getting annoyed by what a yap trap i've been today! haha. this could get long and complex. if you're up for a whole crapload of potentially boring reading, then repeat the question and i'll answer.


[quote]I know I am your favorite Cyberpal, so think *** **** **. Oy, the blasphemy.[/QUOTE]

yes, you are. and you have a different opinion than myself, and that's fine. but just because i'm not thinking like YOU at the moment does not mean i'm not thinking.

verbosely yours, :rolleyes: :D
Snitter.





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