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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Re: Fight Club!
Oct 12, 2005
BK, I think that you and I have a lot in common with the feelings about your sister and my best friend....we both feel so guitly about their death. I find myself just crazy... I'm not sure I can name it anything other than that. I can't deal with it. I cant even explain it, its so frustrating. I will just be driving down the road and something will remind me of him, and it happens once or twice every single day, and i just space out and go off in my own world, and its just like im walking through my memories with him once by once, watching us make them together and then like a nitemare plays over so does the nite he died, the whole fight everything trying to get in a car with the doors locked and someone who was temporarly insane behind the wheel........i dont know, I had done well with si until that im just so damn angry all the angry.....and then half the time i dont even know, ive just got so much in me i dont even know.....and i go to work every morning and smile and take care of a man with a crippling disease that wants to die because of it, and try to help him with his independence so he can continue to live at home, and try to keep his spirits up and all he does is ask me to shoot him or push him out in moving traffic stuff like that all the time, then my next patient ive grown so close with over the past few weeks, and before i leave i kiss her forehead and tell her ill see her tomorrow and eysterday she grabbed my hand and said im gonna miss you a lot i wish u could stay here with me.....shes 93 and has cancer....i mean i love my job dont get me wrong, but when i already feeling bad, dealing with death and horrible diseases all day long doesnt help me with mine u know. I think that your doing really well and im glad ur at a point in this where u can work so hard, and im glad u found something that really helps u. I'm just so destructive to myself i dont know if id ever make it that far....Well i hop eu have a good day tomorrow

Maggie...How is your hand doing and how are YOU doing?

Snitter....nice to hear from you. it is weird for me to talk about, but I can honestly say I cut myself one time before I had my ED but then after I became anorexic it just went down hair so fast. I dont know if I would mess up I'd cut myself, its like this I dont know how to let myself cry. I havent cried in years....years! its horrible, I forget how to cry you know....But I just have gotten myself so hardened and numb that its the only way I feel....this may come out more demented then I had thought it would sound, but in a way, when I blood is my tears.........that sounds really weird.....and i know it, but i guess this is the truth....i dont want it to be, but thats what i do, and thats the way it is.....I hate myself, in a big way, I'm not even sure why much stuff has happened, that i cant remember what happened in the first place that made me hate myself.....i mean i remember everything that has happened, but i cant remember what came first to make me feel that way anymore... i dont know tho, its 3 am ad ive gotta get up at 5 im gonna lay down for a few and get back this this when i wake up

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