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Re: Fight Club!
Oct 11, 2005
Bk I have been having a bad couple of days you know and I just didnt feel up to posting anything and didnt really come to read, and I havent drank in two years and a month, ever since my best friend died, I was drinking with him the nite he died, well I dont know I must have really let it all get to me bad, because tonite my brother and his girlfriend came down and wanted to take me to dinner, so I went, but thats just more stress you know, my brother graduated to be a prison gaurd today and a couple people from his class were all goin to eat too.....and one of the people is one of my friends, who was there the nite my best friend died too, and then she invited a couple of our friends, so it was just a big group of us eating and then we all hung out for like an hour talking and one of the other guys there kept askin me to go to one of the bars here in town with everyone, and at first i said im only 20 I cant which was stupid because the tiny town i live, they dont care how old u are, and then i was like no i dont drink anymore, its been over two years, and then he was like well just come play some pool with us for a little bit, and my bro and his girl wanted to go, so I went..... and I dont know, everythings just been so bad, I started drinking....... drinkin made my best friend die, if I wouldnt have been drunk I could have saved him, and so I hate drinkin now, and just all this stupid drama with my man, and him prob going back to jail, and me and my ed and the weight i gained, and now am losing, because i freaked and got stupid and just quit eating again. . . I hate anorexia so freakin bad!!! URGH I am just so frustrated with myself and angry.....angry i drank and was stupid to do that when i hate drinking, but i just wanted to get away from my problems and im mad at myself for that, for running from my problems when i should face them.....but Snitter had said about she wants to hurt herself, she doesnt care about being thin, and that she was a cutter.....well I too, have been a cutter.... and I hadnt done it for a long time, but within the past year or so I've slowly started cutting myself again.... And BK you said something that really scared me.....you said you asked your twin before she committed suicide why she cut herself and she said to make her feel..... That would have been my answer, before I read to make her feel......I just read why u cut urself? and in my head i was like because its the only way I feel, im so dead inside.... and it just really freaked me out. I dont trust myself at times.....Sometimes I am scared of what I will do......my mind takes me so many places.....and my heart takes me others and on the outside i look and act like i can handle it all, but on the inside im just a little girl thats dying with tears running down her stark white skin and bones face.............


Snitter it's good to see you back again. I am also obsessed with music. I've got a huge music addiction. my step dad has had a band for the past 22 years and they just freakin rock, hard core. and my dad is one hellava musician and he writes almost all of the songs that they play. I play music as well....I play the guitar and piano and drums... I play in a group.....we're playin on the 22nd of this month about an hour from where I live, I think 3 or 4 hours I cant remember which. But music is what keeps me going......and my poetry, but I take my poems and will tweak them a little bit and I can change it into a song you know.


Maggie, How are you doing? I havent heard form you for a little while just wantinig to make sure u doing okay.

BK How are you doing? It's good to see that ur really making progress..... That Yoga seems to really help you out. You give it all the praises, it makese me think about going out and trying it for a few times to see if it would help relax me, I'm always so stressed that my shoulders feel like I have rocks sitting in them. But like u said everyone has to find their own thing that works for them. Yoga might not work for me, but it does for u.....but im so tired, ive been drinkin and ive been up since five am and im just beat, im going to write a little bit and try to get some sleep......but u all take care of yourselves.....keep you head up
Re: Fight Club!
Oct 12, 2005
BK, I think that you and I have a lot in common with the feelings about your sister and my best friend....we both feel so guitly about their death. I find myself just crazy... I'm not sure I can name it anything other than that. I can't deal with it. I cant even explain it, its so frustrating. I will just be driving down the road and something will remind me of him, and it happens once or twice every single day, and i just space out and go off in my own world, and its just like im walking through my memories with him once by once, watching us make them together and then like a nitemare plays over so does the nite he died, the whole fight everything trying to get in a car with the doors locked and someone who was temporarly insane behind the wheel........i dont know, I had done well with si until that happened....now im just so damn angry all the time....so angry.....and then half the time i dont even know, ive just got so much in me i dont even know.....and i go to work every morning and smile and take care of a man with a crippling disease that wants to die because of it, and try to help him with his independence so he can continue to live at home, and try to keep his spirits up and all he does is ask me to shoot him or push him out in moving traffic stuff like that all the time, then my next patient ive grown so close with over the past few weeks, and before i leave i kiss her forehead and tell her ill see her tomorrow and eysterday she grabbed my hand and said im gonna miss you a lot i wish u could stay here with me.....shes 93 and has cancer....i mean i love my job dont get me wrong, but when i already feeling bad, dealing with death and horrible diseases all day long doesnt help me with mine u know. I think that your doing really well and im glad ur at a point in this where u can work so hard, and im glad u found something that really helps u. I'm just so destructive to myself i dont know if id ever make it that far....Well i hop eu have a good day tomorrow

Maggie...How is your hand doing and how are YOU doing?

Snitter....nice to hear from you. it is weird for me to talk about, but I can honestly say I cut myself one time before I had my ED but then after I became anorexic it just went down hair so fast. I dont know if I would mess up I'd cut myself, its like this I dont know how to let myself cry. I havent cried in years....years! its horrible, I forget how to cry you know....But I just have gotten myself so hardened and numb that its the only way I feel....this may come out more demented then I had thought it would sound, but in a way, when I cut.........my blood is my tears.........that sounds really weird.....and i know it, but i guess this is the truth....i dont want it to be, but thats what i do, and thats the way it is.....I hate myself, in a big way, I'm not even sure why anymore.....so much stuff has happened, that i cant remember what happened in the first place that made me hate myself.....i mean i remember everything that has happened, but i cant remember what came first to make me feel that way anymore... i dont know tho, its 3 am ad ive gotta get up at 5 im gonna lay down for a few and get back this this when i wake up





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