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Re: Fight Club!
Oct 2, 2005
I would never be mad at you for getting on my case about the mania. You are just trying to keep it real for me, and that is the best support of all, especially because during mania, I tend to lose my sense of judgement and what really is the truth.
Can I tell you how much I admire you???Truly!!!! I mean going to work with the cast and with all that pain. I don't know how you do it. I have been off of work on this medical leave since May 27th, and it was only supposed to be for like 3 weeks, and I keep getting my doctor to extend it because of the pain. I just don't know how I can be there and be all smiles and happy when I feel like I have a knife protruding through my back. I may not even have a job to go back to when I return. I work in a globally prestigous 5 star 5 diamond hotel, and you have to bring your A game every day. The stress levels are so high there, and when I got the back injury combined with my ed, I just freaked out all over the place. Pain makes such a difference. Aren't you taking anything for it? Or have I forgotten that nothing works? What meds do you take?
To qoute you " I just split myself into two pieces". I totally know what you mean. Some days when I feel good and am having a great eating/control day I call myself Ayurvedic BK, where I just do all the right things and feel so good about them, and some days, when I just eat all the wrong things and moan and stress about the pain and never get out of my jammies and binge all day, I feel like a totally opposite person. And you are right that I feel like I "need" something to help me be the good way, like Rhodiola or caffeine or mania or whatever. Yesterday I ate a great breakfast, went to the gym, changed my exercise routine to be more calming and less stressful and less
fat burning on my body, felt amazing after, then layed out by the pool for 90 minutes and fell asleep using a relaxation cd. All good things to help myself right? I even meal planned the day, then at noon, my back pain was off the charts and I had to take the Ultracet, (pool chairs are probably really bad for spine problems) which takes the pain away and makes me a litle manic. My husband and I were watching movies and I noticed I was craving coffee (as the pain meds were wearing off). I made it, took a sip, but then dumped it. Then I got this massive headache and strated eating Ritz crackers (like 30 of them), while cooking my healthy planned dinner, then started to get that ****it attitude and thought about ordering food. Even my husband told me if I wanted a pizza,he would order me one. I hate when he does that. I need him to be supportive to healthy eating, not supportive to bingeing. I said no, and did gain contol.
I got my period this am, so at least I know that was the trigger of wanting to binge. I can't wait for therapy tomorrow.
I wish I could sign your cast with a big smile and this symbol, :wave: :angel: , because I know there are angels smiling on you giving you strength. (read below also, what do you think?)

Wow, your posts are long like mine, and you mention mood swings. I bet Maggie is wondering the same thing I am.
I think it's great that you are finding this thread helpful and that you don't feel alone. If you have time some day, go back to the very beginning of the thread and read all the way through to here, you will feel even less alone and you will see how this all got started.
I do think you are a bit in denial about your ed, because you don't just get "cured" from some online advice, and your ed is definitely not a "phase" either. Maybe you are just catching it early before it develops into a lifelong problem, like for so many of us, so the first thing you need to do is get real here. Eating a whole pie, whether small or large is a binge. You say your fears are gaining or not losing weight. No they are not, those are control issues that you use to cope with your real fears, stresses of your life, inability to deal with what you are feeling inside.
I am 35 and I have a life of experience with this. I had a weight problem during adolescence, a big one, and I always believed that if I lost weight my problems would go with the pounds,wrong ,wrong ,wrong!!!!! Here I am 35 years old, very underweight for my age, and not only have developed a slew of physical problems but tons of emotional ones,and those emotional ones have always been there, I just never knew how to handle them other than with some form of my ed. And the older you get, the harder life gets. Wow I really feel like Maggie right now (Sally Social Worker). This is why it is so important for us all to help eachother analyze eachother. It is much easier to see how we go wrong by seeing it in others first.
Okay some advice on how to deal with wanting to binge becasue of the hunger issue. Obviously if you are hungry, you are not eating enough. My therapist told me to not go more than 4 hours without eating. It keeps the blood sugar levels stable, thus diminishing the hunger aspect and it works. Of course I wouldn't be surprised if you used this trick and still felt the desire to binge because of your emotions. It really is a lot easier to say, "well I was so hungry and then one thing led to another and I couldn't stop". Well what if you forced yourself to have 4 or 5 small meals today at 3 - 4 hour intervals? Fruits, veggies, protein, milk, good carbs etc, and then you still felt like bingeing? What would be the reason then?
Lots for you to think about newbie. Lots for all of us.
And this is all said with much love and cyber hugs. :)

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