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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Hi everyone.
i dont know where to start really apart from i cant handle feeling like this any more, and dont know what to do. i dont actually know if i have the disorder or if it's a totally different problem.
I do know how i feel about myself, and i totally hate the way i feel, i feel fat, ugly and such a bad person. i am getting so depressed, well have been for a while i think. I am constantly thinking about my weight, from the moment i wake to the moment i put my head down to sleep. i look in the mirror always and just see fat. some days i might think a part of me might look ok. i am always grabbing at my fleash, wanting it to all be gone. i have even thought of self removal but to scared.i want to make myself trow up but im to profectic to even do that as i have a fobia. i am constanly watching what im eating, and always feel guitly when i do,i have taken laxatives to help remove weight. I also use to weigh myself nearly every day. but haven't had the guts to do it lately. the last time i weighed myself i was 7st 8lb, i am 5ft 2ins. I do try and exercise but really i just dont have the energy, and it dont seem to work.

I have tryed to talk to certain family members about my problem, but they just tell me to shut up and stop being stupid. this makes me feel worse. but lately it's starting to effect the way i feel towards my hubby to be,. i dont trust him, and i feeling totally insecure. i keep thinking he's going to find a slimmer prettier woman, one that dont keep on about her weight. I feel totally ugly and un sexy towards him. he dont even look at me anymore when i undress. the compliments have stopped. yet he says its cos i always laugh at him and am in denial when he tells me so.he tells me he loves me but i cant beleive him. I due to marry him next june. and i dont know if i go do it, not because i dont love him, i do so much, it hurts, but because i dont want to look fat in my wedding dress.

I feel like im being so stupid telling people my problem, but i no longer know what to do, and want to talk to people going through the same experience as me.

can anyone help? Tina.
I'm glad you came to this site for help and advice, the girls here are really great and have given me alot of advice. I do think this site does help, but it can only do so much. If you can work up the guts to call the doctor, I think it would be really beneifital. I know if I had the means, I would go to thearpy too. Do you have a daughter?? I thought you said you did, I really think If you have a child its more of a reason to get help. Its not good to have all these feelings and trying to raise a kid, I know thats of my biggest fears with ED is passing it on to my child. My mother made me have poor body image ever sense I was little, and its driven directly from the fact that she has poor body image too. Which is werid to me becuase no one in my family is fat or even ugly, but for some reason both my mom and I (or at least me have sufferd from ED). I just think with all the stuff your feeling asking for help will help husband to be, and help you raise a great family. Also thearpy will help you with your panic attacks, and the emotions you are dealing with the child you lost. So in all thearpy will help with several things, if your scared to do it would you feel more comfortable if your fiance went with you? That way you would feel alittle more comfortalbe talking with a thearpist.
Hope that helps, I'm always here to talk.
tina, I just wanted to say that I agree with everyone here. I too suffer from panic attacks, I know how bad they can be, I really do. I've had to be put on all different kind of meds that calm me down to prevent them. And I went through a psychologist, They really can help you with your panic and with your eating.....Please stop this before it starts. I've had a lot of bad things happen in my past as well. I've been sexually abused and I felt so horrible about myself because of it I started thinkin I was fat and ugly and no one wanted me, and so on. I would eat and purge because i didnt want anyone to know, and that way I could hide it, soon my mom found out and I was caught, I watched a movie on karen carpenter, she was anorexic, and I thought hummm why not just stop eating like her, and thats why I did.....I simply refused to put anything in my I am struggling every single day, there is not one day I can get through without food being on my mind constantly. weither its to figure out how to get through the day without eating, o r trying to figure out what I can eat that would have the tiniest amount of fat and calories in it. its a horrible thing to live with and it will comsume every single bit of your time. and as others have said you will affect your daughters life with this. It doesnt even have to be you talking about it, or saying your fat or saying you hate ur body or dont like ur can just be the way you look at urself in a mirror, or the way you are with doesnt all have to be spoken and she will pick up on it.....I take care of my friends little girl, she is my daughter, even tho she isnt my blood, I'm the one she calls mommy, and I'm the one who takes care of her every day, I tuck her into bed at night, I've taught her everything she knows, and if there is one thing I've done with her, I tell her she is beautiful every single day a ton of times, she just smiles and laughs when I tell her and she is only two. . .I make sure she eats at least three meals, good meals a day and she has a couple snacks throughout the day as well....and no matter how much I hate myself I will never look in the mirror and cringe around her or say anything bad about my body, because I know she will pick up on it, and I want her to grow up happy and healthy and never think about an ED. Please get some help. I know how hard it is, I know how scary it is, but you know, really, what is it that you are scared about in getting help? What is it that makes u not do it? If you find out why ur scared and why you dont want to then you can over come that fear and save ur life before u go down that path....look at the posts from us over the past few weeks or even months, check out the terrible things that are in our hearts, souls and minds on a daily basis, see that we pass out, we have trouble taking care of things we have to do, I am falling apart as im sure many others are because of this, please stop it before u go too far....and u dont need a therapist that has been there, because once u have an ED u are never completely cured, u can relapse at anytime, and no matter if you've been "recovered" for years one thought, or one thing could trigger u and u are right back to square one, you could be talking to a therapist for ED's and if they've been anorexic you could say soemthing and trigger them right back to it, or they could trigger you, You'd be suprised how much that they really can help even tho they havent been there, if they specalize in ED's they know everything that they need to, to be able to help you....The first step is always the hardest and the scariest, but please take it, for your daughters dont want to get caught up in this and have it kill you, then where will ur daughter and hubby too be, be without you? god bless you and take care, dont give up've been through a lot, but look at the good/great/wonderful things and people you have to live for and be strong and healthy dont want to get so sick you can't play with ur daughter.....every daughter needs her mother, so please if not for urself or ur man or anyone else, do it for her

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