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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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i just can't stress enough to you how much it's not worth ruining your life over wanting to lose a couple of pounds (which you really don't have to lose in the first place). you have got what most people would consider THE perfect BMI... it's on the very low side of exactly what's reccomended for your height! congrats!

you HAVE to nip this thing in the bud. seriously. you can stop this before it starts, and you must because an ED is a downward spiral addiction you get trapped in... not just something you can induce until you reach your goal weight -- it just doesn't work like that. if your husband compliments you, try to take it at face value... i mean... the guy's MARRYING you, right? obviously he thinks highly of you!

furthermore, i think the person your husband wants to be with is a healthy happy lady who accepts herself and him... not some withered bonebag. know what i mean?

I agree with what snitter said about it being a downward sprial. But I wanted to add that your not alone in these thoughts. I would say you have an ED, you don't neccarly have to starve yourself or throw up after every meal to have an eating disorder. Constantly thinking about your weight and feeling your "fat" more like skin, are all signs of eating disorders. Also laxitives are another form of losing weight for people with ED's, which I would not recoomen, because long term use is VERY distructive to your body (trust me I now have IBS and it really sucks).
So heres what I suggest. You are in the beginning stages of going down a sprialing path, so please if you can go talk to someone now, before it gets worse. I think at this point a thearpist would help you alot. Trust me please don't try the starving or purging method, it might seem worth it but there are plenty of people here that can tell you it is defiantly not. Your husband obviously loves you alot, but I know what you mean about not wanting to be naked infront of him or scared he will find someone prettier. I feel like that everytime my bf and I are intement. The thing is he is with me and is an awsome guy (I'm sure yours is too your marrying him) so for him to pick me must mean something right. He wouldnt be with me if he didnt find me attractive, and neither would your bf, so you have to belive that. I'm glad you came here for advice, but from someone who is seriouly regreting ever going down the path of bulimia please get help before it starts. I still think I am fat, and I have been bulimic for 2 years, so obvioulsy it doesn't get rid of thoses fears, therefor was not a good path for me to do. Now that I think about it I have always thought I was fat even when I weighed like 80lbs. So I hope you go talk to a thearpist I think for you that would be a great idea, I know that when I go back to school I am going to find an eating disorder thearpist first thing, I am ready to get professional help. I just wish that I would have done it when I was first having all the same thoughts as you, instead of heading towards the bulimic path.
Best of luck, if you ever need someone to talk to or advice I am always here:)
Hey Tina-
I'm really sorry I made you cry, I didn't want to do that. Now that you said you also have panic attacks and a child, I think it is even more of a reason to go to thearpy. I know your scared but do it for your daughter. Turth is if you don't get help soon it is very likley you will pass it to your daughter, I think my mom suffered from an ED all her life, and that is the main reason why I developed the same habits. Please read one of my posts on this board, its like a week old so you will have to scroll through the pages to read it but its tittled "Confused and could use some advice" Its all about how my mother has made me feel growing up and why I am the way I am. I think after you read this you will realize you really need to get help before its too late. Keep me informed, its not to late for you to get this under control so please, please, consider it!!
Take care,
Tina you are not alone is what happened as a child and a young adult - I too had some HORRIBLE things happen and I have an ED have had it since age 13 now 43 yrs. I hope that you will make that appointment, its so important to take care of it before things have gone too far. You don't want to end up like me 30 yrs done the road still starving and throwing up, freaking out about food, and obssessing about food. Call and talk to someone, check out a dietician or a nutritionist if you are too scared of a doctor or therapist - you NEED to start somewhere...thinking of you take care
[QUOTE=Tina maria]how do you stop yourself feeling this way? what do you do to stop yourself when you feel like this?[/QUOTE]

i remind myself that i'm my own worst critic. i surround myself with things i love that validate me. i write. when i feel i'm sliding, i pull out a piece of paper and write my thoughts into words. sometimes i even get a song or poem out of the deal, but even if i don't, putting things into words really helps me analyze.

best wishes,
hi maggie. you have suffered a long time. IT aint nice. I dont know how long i had this, but within the past few years its getting worse. after having children i ballooned to a size 14, a few months later after having my baby daughter. my baby girl was only on this earth for nearly 8 wks, a passed away suddenly of cot death. i haven't and never will get over this but i deal with it. soon after her death i was diagnosed with panic attacks, and my weight started just falling of me. i got down to 8 stone and a size 10 within less than six weight has continued to flatulate over the past years going up to a size twelve and down to an size eight, and thats my present weight now. just before christmas i was 7st 4lbs and was fairly happy with this, but not satisfied, and still wanted to loose weight. i want to get down to just seven stone. but the weight keeps creeping back, the last time i weighed myself which was probably about a month to 3 weeks ago i was 7.8. and felt really unhappy with this.

i do sometimes try to ignore my problem, but its always there in the back of my mind, like to today, i had such an awful morning, and i came back home feeling awful and hatrid towards myself. I wanted to find a top, just an ordinary vest top. and went looking around the shops, i found a few that i really liked, some didn't fit, and the rest just made me look b***** awful. I stood there just looking at my waist and thighs and could of cried. my stomach was bloated and looks fat, my legs looked liked tree trunks. i feel and look like a size 12 again not a eight. so i gave up with the idea. i have this problem ever time. then to me me even feel worse i came home and felt hungry. so i made a marmite sandwhich, i felt so bad about just eating two pieces of bread. but i have to eat you, cos if i dont i get all shakey, dizzy, pulpitations, and confusion, which can trigger the panic attacks of. so i cant win, whatever i do. i even feel bad if i have a drink of juice or tea. this is so stupid. I even died my hair last night just to try and make me look nice, it aint bad, but it didn't work.

Maybe a dietrician might be an idea, would that be through adoctor, then through the hospital? what would be involved with that?

thank you for talking to me, and sorry i have just moaned my head head.
Hi snitter, thank you for your advice. I use to write down my emotions onto paper but then i would always throw them away and feel stupid of myself for writing, but i suppose in a sence, afterwards if i can say, that maybe a little bit of tension feels like its being taken a way for a couple of minutes, its almost like having a freind, one that dont critisize you. (sorry spelling not great.) but then i would worry someone would find it and think im stupid or loosing it. so i suppose thats why i always binned it. music use to help sometimes, i would turn it on and have a secret little dance, but then afterwards its still there haunting me. I also use to go clubbing alot, and dance the night away, i supose that kepted my weight at an even balance, but then i got slagged of for drinking to much. I also growed to relize i actually didn't like putting myself through the nasty hangover state, and thats why i dont go out no more, plus cos of the panic attacks would effect me to.
I can't stress how much it would beneifit you to go talk to a thearpist. I agree with snitter when she said that you are at the stage where an ED almost seems like a good idea. Trust me its NOT, please go talk to someone. A eating distorder specialest, a nutrienist, or even just a thearipst. This would help you over come all these emotions and fears your are experiencing, and if you don't get help just think how much harder it will be to get help in the future if these feelings get stronger.
I understand the whole tramatic thing making it worse, trust me I do. Last year I experienced a few really big things that made my ED get SO much worse. If I had gone to a thearipst I think I would have been able to get control of it sooner. So please consider it, It really sounds like your really trying to get help, so please I know its scary but I really think your at the point where it really can benefit you. We are all here to support you and give you advice!!!!
Good luck, I hope things go better for you today!
hi aleash, I dont want to have an ed if thats what im suffering with, i certainly wouldn't consider it being an good idea.why would i. i know its an illness. I cant help the feelings i suffer with. your right though i do want help, and thats why i turned to this sight. because im getting so low and depressed that i dont wont to be like this anymore.
I did almost consider phoning the doctor today after speaking to all you people, i have wanted to see a doctor for a while about my problem. but i just couldn't pick up the phone and do it. easy said and done really, but putting it into action aint that easy, surely, you must know this. I to be honest i always think to myself, how will a therapist, counsillor or any profession help me unless they have or are going through it themselfs. i think thats my problem.

Thank you for your concern though.
I'm glad you came to this site for help and advice, the girls here are really great and have given me alot of advice. I do think this site does help, but it can only do so much. If you can work up the guts to call the doctor, I think it would be really beneifital. I know if I had the means, I would go to thearpy too. Do you have a daughter?? I thought you said you did, I really think If you have a child its more of a reason to get help. Its not good to have all these feelings and trying to raise a kid, I know thats of my biggest fears with ED is passing it on to my child. My mother made me have poor body image ever sense I was little, and its driven directly from the fact that she has poor body image too. Which is werid to me becuase no one in my family is fat or even ugly, but for some reason both my mom and I (or at least me have sufferd from ED). I just think with all the stuff your feeling asking for help will help husband to be, and help you raise a great family. Also thearpy will help you with your panic attacks, and the emotions you are dealing with the child you lost. So in all thearpy will help with several things, if your scared to do it would you feel more comfortable if your fiance went with you? That way you would feel alittle more comfortalbe talking with a thearpist.
Hope that helps, I'm always here to talk.
look in a phone book for nutritionists or dietician ( do they have phone books in England like here in the US - I presume since you used "stone"). We have much in common my oldest daughter was a twin which I lost one and you know Tina over time it gets better - whenever some mile stone happens I always wonder about the twin, how would they look now, would they be as pretty as my surviving daughter, would they smart, all the things. Your therapist doesnt have to have had ED to help you - in fact you need to be careful, some therapists who have had ED shouldn't be helping others because they are not healthy themselves - if that makes sense. I am a social worker and I DO NOT work with ED clients b/c of my ED - it would be dangerous and unethical. See if there are any eating disorder groups or clinics around your area and they can surely refer you to some one.
[QUOTE=Tina maria]hi aleash, I dont want to have an ed if thats what im suffering with, i certainly wouldn't consider it being an good idea.why would i.[/QUOTE]

just to clarify, we weren't saying you are thinking "gee, i'm gonna go out and get me an eating disorder! what a great idea!"

all we mean is that when ANY eating disorder begins, the process (not the disorder itself) seems like a good idea. it always starts with the best of intentions.

a person will think to themselves "instead of dieting for months, i'll just starve myself for a couple weeks, then keep the weight off", but then they get addicted to watching those pounds drop, and BOOM! anorexia.

in my case, i was feeling a little too full one day, so i decided i'd throw up once... no harm done... but what i DIDN'T realize is that once you've done it once, it's suddenly a "solution" that comes to mind every time you eat anything that you think might gain you so much as an ounce. even so, it took me MONTHS to realize i was no longer in control of it!

that's all we meant. we meant you are very lucky and very smart to have caught your disease in its infancy, and there's still so much hope for you... being anorexic "just until you've lost the weight" isn't worth it, because really you're leading yourself into a life-long struggle. healthy lifestyle changes are the ONLY worthwhile way to lose weight.

hi aleash. I have a daughter of 8 years, she's nearly nine, I also had another daughter whom i lost to cot death 7 years ago. her birthday was last month, so it wasnt easy.
I do try and watch what i say or do in front of my daughter now, but there were times i'd complain about my weight, saying oh i look fat in this or god look at my stomach. she did start saying, look mummy my legs are fat. and this worried me. so i would then say, dont be silly, you have lovely legs, theres no fat on them, your a little girl and your perfect. she hasnt said anything lately. she has just started tap classes and has to wear a leotard(poor spelling,sorry) and once complained of her legs then. but i just said they are the same as the other childrens, and theres nothing wrong with them. her friends do say things about their weight, so i have to keep an eye on that. I do feel bad, but i didn't realize what i was doing, inputting these horrible thought into her head as well. Im always telling her she looks beautiful. and i haven't or never will tell her she's fat. even if if she did have a bit of puppy fat. i wouldnt dare.

my mum always complains about her tummy, she does suffer as she has a thioriod problem, and has put weight on. she told me that she has always been a big woman even as a child. i dont know if she has ever had a problem with her food or anything, i suppose ive never asked, but now she dont seem bothered what she eats even though she has to be careful.
hi maggie, im sorry to hear of your lost. it's the most heart breaking thing for a parent to go through, loosing their baby. words cant discribe it. Im always thinking the same about my daughter. she had real bright blonde hair, just like me and blue eyes. when i was little i had lots of ringlets in my hair, and im always wondering if she would of looked like me. and when my daughter whom is well and alive plays around and does certain things, i always wonder if my daughter would of took after her. i also try and picture them playing together and wonder what they would be like togher now.

As for the therapist i didnt think of it in that way i suppose. I am in england, i live on the isle of wight, it's quite a tiny island, they dont have many organisations on the island. but i think that my doctor will obviously know of one locally, or refer me to the out patients at the hospital. doctors and hospitals do worry me, as i have always had bad experiences with them. some doctors just try to thob you of to, and couldn't care less. vut i have really been thinking of calling my doctor and making an appointment. I was going to sit down and talk to my partner last night, he knows i have a problem but not in the way i have expressed my to you guys. but i didn't as he has work and didn't have the time to start disgusing something as big as this. I was going to explain about the sight, and how i feel, but half of me felt stupid, and didn't want to.
part of ED is how it makes you feel and it does make you feel stupid - all of us feel that way - we are all intelligent people who realize and dangerous ED is and can also see the stupidity of the disease but it doesn't change that we have it or that we are participating in something quite dangerous. PLEASE don't feel stupid - if we took a poll on this site about the percentage of people who feel self-conscious or stupid because of their eating disorder I bet, unless they were in complete denial. it would be nearly 100%. Be brave - talk to your partner, if they really care about you that is one more person who can support you and love you while you start working on this. They already know something is wrong - probably even before you realized it. Be strong you CAN do this!!! :)
Thanks for writing answering some of my questions. I just wanted to tell you I think its really brave of you to be considering getting help so early on, and I tottaly think you should. It took me many many years to even realize I had a problem.
Sad thing is I think my ED was driven directly from my mother, or a big part of it was. I love her to death, but ever sense I can remeber my mom always complained about her body, worked out excesively, and was on a "diet". Being rasied in an envoiroment like that how do you think the child is going to end up. I was a competive gymnaist when I was little. My mom was too when she was growing up, and started me in lessons when I was a toddler. I made the compotion team when I was in second grade and honestly I think thats when it all started. Now I didn't starve myself or throw up, but I was constantly worrying about my weight, dieting, and working out all the time (and I was a second grade). I just couldn't let my self be fat in my littard (can't spell that either lol). I look back on it and see how little I was and how little I was growing up, and think "what the hell was I conserned about".
I'm not saying this to upset you or make you feel bad for me, I just want you to let you know how tragic comments about weight can be to a young child. I think it's great you tell your kid she is perfect the way she is, but try not to make comments about your own weight around her because it will rub off on her.
If you can stop an ED from coming in the future for you or your daughter, please do. I have been suffering from it from as long as I can remeber in some form or another, I hope this makes you realize how important it is to seek help.
Thank you for listening, best of luck.
aleash is right, once u are bulimic it is hard to get out of it. i was anorexic for a year but once yr body lacks something it craves for it and to get over that craving i ate and was puking it out just to maintain the weight i have i am underweight though but still gained someweight. i mean now i am so upset with so many health problems i am facing i regret wat i did and still am doing. No Control! try my best everyday and everyday is like a test but i am failing. Just hoping one day i am not purging and waiting to do it.
Suggestion is "talk to someone, someone u believe will understand you" we all are here if someone who is actually now facing it won't understand.
Come on forums and share with us. i am trying to share with all people here and they have their experiences and will come out with solution
tina, I just wanted to say that I agree with everyone here. I too suffer from panic attacks, I know how bad they can be, I really do. I've had to be put on all different kind of meds that calm me down to prevent them. And I went through a psychologist, They really can help you with your panic and with your eating.....Please stop this before it starts. I've had a lot of bad things happen in my past as well. I've been sexually abused and I felt so horrible about myself because of it I started thinkin I was fat and ugly and no one wanted me, and so on. I would eat and purge because i didnt want anyone to know, and that way I could hide it, soon my mom found out and I was caught, I watched a movie on karen carpenter, she was anorexic, and I thought hummm why not just stop eating like her, and thats why I did.....I simply refused to put anything in my I am struggling every single day, there is not one day I can get through without food being on my mind constantly. weither its to figure out how to get through the day without eating, o r trying to figure out what I can eat that would have the tiniest amount of fat and calories in it. its a horrible thing to live with and it will comsume every single bit of your time. and as others have said you will affect your daughters life with this. It doesnt even have to be you talking about it, or saying your fat or saying you hate ur body or dont like ur can just be the way you look at urself in a mirror, or the way you are with doesnt all have to be spoken and she will pick up on it.....I take care of my friends little girl, she is my daughter, even tho she isnt my blood, I'm the one she calls mommy, and I'm the one who takes care of her every day, I tuck her into bed at night, I've taught her everything she knows, and if there is one thing I've done with her, I tell her she is beautiful every single day a ton of times, she just smiles and laughs when I tell her and she is only two. . .I make sure she eats at least three meals, good meals a day and she has a couple snacks throughout the day as well....and no matter how much I hate myself I will never look in the mirror and cringe around her or say anything bad about my body, because I know she will pick up on it, and I want her to grow up happy and healthy and never think about an ED. Please get some help. I know how hard it is, I know how scary it is, but you know, really, what is it that you are scared about in getting help? What is it that makes u not do it? If you find out why ur scared and why you dont want to then you can over come that fear and save ur life before u go down that path....look at the posts from us over the past few weeks or even months, check out the terrible things that are in our hearts, souls and minds on a daily basis, see that we pass out, we have trouble taking care of things we have to do, I am falling apart as im sure many others are because of this, please stop it before u go too far....and u dont need a therapist that has been there, because once u have an ED u are never completely cured, u can relapse at anytime, and no matter if you've been "recovered" for years one thought, or one thing could trigger u and u are right back to square one, you could be talking to a therapist for ED's and if they've been anorexic you could say soemthing and trigger them right back to it, or they could trigger you, You'd be suprised how much that they really can help even tho they havent been there, if they specalize in ED's they know everything that they need to, to be able to help you....The first step is always the hardest and the scariest, but please take it, for your daughters dont want to get caught up in this and have it kill you, then where will ur daughter and hubby too be, be without you? god bless you and take care, dont give up've been through a lot, but look at the good/great/wonderful things and people you have to live for and be strong and healthy dont want to get so sick you can't play with ur daughter.....every daughter needs her mother, so please if not for urself or ur man or anyone else, do it for her
hi i am back. thanks maggie, i do agree, its just when people start telling you, you are stupid, i think you start believing it. It is great talking to all you guys, i know you all understand, and you all give great advice. I am really trying to listen to you all. i went to the doctors today and nearly spoke to him about the way i feel, cos i thought my tonsilitus had came back. but he had a student in there, i also had my daughter with me, so i couldnt talk with her being there. but as i were even thinking of telling him, my heart started racing and i came over all nervous. but at least i was a step closer.

~~~~~hi selldom sick~~~~~~,thank you also for writing to me and sharing your illness me. I do give out my heart to all of you, i have been reading some of your boards and really feel for you all. but we are all in this together. and i do appreciate all of you veiws and concern.
i have made myself sick a couple of times in the past months, i was drinking, and felt i could easilly do, so i did, it gave me the guts to do it and not care. but i do have a fobia of being sick so normally i wouldnt dare, but the thought does cross my mind. but im not brave enough. i dont think you can call it brave really, can you? I am always thinking of food to, always, i hate it, i dont want to be thing of food. i hate food. i am bored of food, i only eat because if i dont i feel ill, and get the shakes and so i eat because i want my daughter to have a good attitude toward food, shes really fussy as it is, dont like this, dont like that. but i will take laxatives now and then but sometimes i have to, i also have IBS, i have had it for years, and i get really consitpated and servely bloated that i look like im 6 months pregnant, honestly! i have got my parnter to take a photo of my stomache when it bloats like that, dont ask me why... and when my tummy does this i cant handle looking like this, it gets me down.
I also have just changed my pill over to cos i have break through bleeding quit alot, and the pill im on now has made me gain abit of weight and i cant shift it. as i have mentioned i was 7st 4lbs at christmas,and i really want to drop my weight back down to this again. well i am going to be honest, if i had my way.i would like to be a size 6. but i think my body wont allow me because of my body frame.but i have changed my pill hoping i will loose some weight,but knowing my luck, ill put it on.

Im having a bad week this week, i really feeling fat!!!!!! im trying to ignore these feelings, but finding it very hard. i have been trying nearly every top that i have in my wardrobe and tooken it off because i just felt fat it in, and they make me look awful, am i the one one that has this problem or do you guys have this to????
I just wish i could have the perfect body that i want in my head. i wish i could be taller to, but that aint going to happen either.
hi cying skies, thank you for sharing your view and concerns to me it is really appriciated.
its not nice having the problems we do in all circumstances, having panic attacks in itself aint nice either, i have mentioned that i have had them for seven years now nearly. im got them again roughly abiut a month 2 months ago again. and it really started to get me down, i was starting to not go out the house because everytime i did i would really spin out and then get panicky. but i thought to myself, "i aint letting me stop going out." so i didn't and took one step at a time and started going out with my daughter, taking her to school, picking her up. also my sister. it sounds silly but my daughter made me feel safe, silly considering she's smaller and a child. i think its because you start to worry about them. but i still cant go anywhere really by myself, maybe into a shop.
i use to take medicine for my panic attacks, but i found it made me worse. a doctor once told me when i was suffering with them quite bad that no medicine will help me, the only thing that will help me is myself. and you know what in a way he was right.
because i found that no b****r would help me, and that in the end it was only me that had to help myself. but now i share my felings and worrys with my partner to, as he also suffers with them, so we look after each other.

thank you again for talking to me, if you want to chat again im here, and willing to listen and talk. best wishes, tina

I just want to praise you for looking after your friends little girl. It isnt easy, but you have a kind loving heart.
YEAH!!!!!!!!!!! CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!!!! :wave: I'm so excited for you, I know how much courage it takes to tell the one you love you had a problem. I think its great you told him, and even greater that he was so understanding (means you picked a good one!!). I recently told my BF that my bulimia had started up again (actully told him less then a week ago). Man it was hard, cried myself to sleep that night. But honestly it felt good to get it out and be honest with him, as it probally feels for you too. Next step for both of us is to get professional help, I have been putting it off for a while. I feel kind of like a hipicret telling you to go get help when I still haven't. But I am going to as soon as I go back to school at the end of the summer, and I guess the reason I keep telling you to go is I don't want you fall into the cycle of an ED becuase trust me it just gets harder and harder to ask for help. If I had caught it earlier on and gotten help I might have never even started being bulimic. So I think its is a great step to tell your husband and I'm really happy for you that he took it so well. I think its a great idea for him to go with you to thearpy if you are comfortable with that.
Good luck, keep me informed!!
:angel: leash
:D hi aleash, thank you. and well done to yourself as well. he is the best, thats why i love him so much, and marrying him.
i had to tell him, i felt bad that i was keeping this from him. im a very honest person and cant lie about anything, ive been so honest in the past its got me into trouble.

your not a hipocrit, your just scared like all of us. you just need to pluck up the courage, thats what people keep telling me to. like my partner said, you have admitted you have the problem, thats the hardest bit.
Its a long time before you go back to school isnt it? do they have help at your school then?

I thing i was reading your board earlier about: eating in pubic, i have been like this since i left shool which was nearly 11 years ago, i would always feel paranoid when eating, and would cover my mouth. i started having lunch at home.
I still feel the same now especially hate it when i go to a resturant. I did leave feedback, and asked it if my problem could of started back then. what do you think?
I guess it could have started back then. Its hard to say where theses feelings come from: media, family, peers, I don't know maybe a mix of both. For me I think it was competive sports mixed with pressure from my mothers eating habits. I have alway hated my body and wanted to be thiner and thiner. I think eating in pubic is a trigger but I don't know if it nesscarly is the cause, but for you maybe in grade school at lunch time is when it all started, I can't really tell you that though.
you have certainly been through it yourself. your friend- that must of been so awful for you. i know what its like loosing someone close to you. but i know exactly what you mean! i suppose im strong in my own way, as i wouldn't off got through all these things, and wouldnt be here hear to tell the tale.

i must get myself to bed, its 24.11pm hear in england, i have had too many late nights, as sleep is very important to me, i feel ill if i dont get enough.
you take care, and we'll have to chat soon. x
you never think an ED is a good idea but ED twists your brain up and around and before you know it you find yourself agreeing with ED about your weight, how you look, its all a huge misperception you know and you end up buying into it and then it is down down down into eating disorder hell and then its a lot of little tiny tiny baby steps out with lots of leaps backwards. I think what everyone is tryring to say is you are "growing" an ED and if you can put some weed killer on it RIGHT NOW that would be wonderful!!
[QUOTE=maggie043]you never think an ED is a good idea but ED twists your brain up and around and before you know it you find yourself agreeing with ED about your weight, how you look, its all a huge misperception you know and you end up buying into it and then it is down down down into eating disorder hell and then its a lot of little tiny tiny baby steps out with lots of leaps backwards. I think what everyone is tryring to say is you are "growing" an ED and if you can put some weed killer on it RIGHT NOW that would be wonderful!![/QUOTE]

:wave: : hi maggie, i agree, in trying the weed killer, but i suppose it takes a long time to get to the roots. but im trying. what i am trying to say i think is that i dont think it will get any ffurther, if i can help it, plus i told my boyfriend, and i exspect he will be keeping a close.

these are feelings i have had for quite some time, but it is my fear of them getting worse and what could happen, like all these thoughts i get in my head, will i actually let them happen, but im trying not to let them happen.

I dont know if what i said made any sence. i really want to get rid of them, and thats why i wanted to get help. my partner said he will come with. :wave: :angel:
it made perfect sense :). You can't "control" ED it controls you, you need to work on what you think about when you are participating in whatever your eating disorder is - if you can begin to recognize what is going on you can start trying to get a handle on things so to say. For example - I haven't thrown up now in two months and I have been to the toilet a billion times wanting to however I am at the place at the moment (hopefully I can stay here) where I am sticking my head in the toilet and have a sane moment where I can say Maggie WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING. THen I try to think what the heck AM I doing. Am I sad, am I lonely, do I need a hug, am I angry, why am I wanting to throw up.... Your right about the thoughts and feeling they can get worse and probably will over time, I'm with all the board on this one - get help now before its too late - I sounded like you 30 years ago I thought I could control it but I found out I couldn't and here I am 43 years old with ED since 13, it is very sad. I often wonder how life would have been without ED and who I would be...

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