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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board


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Hey Tina-
I'm really sorry I made you cry, I didn't want to do that. Now that you said you also have panic attacks and a child, I think it is even more of a reason to go to thearpy. I know your scared but do it for your daughter. Turth is if you don't get help soon it is very likley you will pass it to your daughter, I think my mom suffered from an ED all her life, and that is the main reason why I developed the same habits. Please read one of my posts on this board, its like a week old so you will have to scroll through the pages to read it but its tittled "Confused and could use some advice" Its all about how my mother has made me feel growing up and why I am the way I am. I think after you read this you will realize you really need to get help before its too late. Keep me informed, its not to late for you to get this under control so please, please, consider it!!
Take care,
Leash
Hi snitter, thank you for your advice. I use to write down my emotions onto paper but then i would always throw them away and feel stupid of myself for writing, but i suppose in a sence, afterwards if i can say, that maybe a little bit of tension feels like its being taken a way for a couple of minutes, its almost like having a freind, one that dont critisize you. (sorry spelling not great.) but then i would worry someone would find it and think im stupid or loosing it. so i suppose thats why i always binned it. music use to help sometimes, i would turn it on and have a secret little dance, but then afterwards its still there haunting me. I also use to go clubbing alot, and dance the night away, i supose that kepted my weight at an even balance, but then i got slagged of for drinking to much. I also growed to relize i actually didn't like putting myself through the nasty hangover state, and thats why i dont go out no more, plus cos of the panic attacks would effect me to.
hi aleash, I dont want to have an ed if thats what im suffering with, i certainly wouldn't consider it being an good idea.why would i. i know its an illness. I cant help the feelings i suffer with. your right though i do want help, and thats why i turned to this sight. because im getting so low and depressed that i dont wont to be like this anymore.
I did almost consider phoning the doctor today after speaking to all you people, i have wanted to see a doctor for a while about my problem. but i just couldn't pick up the phone and do it. easy said and done really, but putting it into action aint that easy, surely, you must know this. I to be honest i always think to myself, how will a therapist, counsillor or any profession help me unless they have or are going through it themselfs. i think thats my problem.

Thank you for your concern though.
[QUOTE=Tina maria]hi aleash, I dont want to have an ed if thats what im suffering with, i certainly wouldn't consider it being an good idea.why would i.[/QUOTE]

just to clarify, we weren't saying you are thinking "gee, i'm gonna go out and get me an eating disorder! what a great idea!"

all we mean is that when ANY eating disorder begins, the process (not the disorder itself) seems like a good idea. it always starts with the best of intentions.

a person will think to themselves "instead of dieting for months, i'll just starve myself for a couple weeks, then keep the weight off", but then they get addicted to watching those pounds drop, and BOOM! anorexia.

in my case, i was feeling a little too full one day, so i decided i'd throw up once... no harm done... but what i DIDN'T realize is that once you've done it once, it's suddenly a "solution" that comes to mind every time you eat anything that you think might gain you so much as an ounce. even so, it took me MONTHS to realize i was no longer in control of it!

that's all we meant. we meant you are very lucky and very smart to have caught your disease in its infancy, and there's still so much hope for you... being anorexic "just until you've lost the weight" isn't worth it, because really you're leading yourself into a life-long struggle. healthy lifestyle changes are the ONLY worthwhile way to lose weight.

best,
snitter
tina, I just wanted to say that I agree with everyone here. I too suffer from panic attacks, I know how bad they can be, I really do. I've had to be put on all different kind of meds that calm me down to prevent them. And I went through a psychologist, They really can help you with your panic and with your eating.....Please stop this before it starts. I've had a lot of bad things happen in my past as well. I've been sexually abused and I felt so horrible about myself because of it I started thinkin I was fat and ugly and no one wanted me, and so on. I would eat and purge because i didnt want anyone to know, and that way I could hide it, soon my mom found out and I was caught, I watched a movie on karen carpenter, she was anorexic, and I thought hummm why not just stop eating like her, and thats why I did.....I simply refused to put anything in my mouth....now I am struggling every single day, there is not one day I can get through without food being on my mind constantly. weither its to figure out how to get through the day without eating, o r trying to figure out what I can eat that would have the tiniest amount of fat and calories in it. its a horrible thing to live with and it will comsume every single bit of your time. and as others have said you will affect your daughters life with this. It doesnt even have to be you talking about it, or saying your fat or saying you hate ur body or dont like ur body.....it can just be the way you look at urself in a mirror, or the way you are with food....it doesnt all have to be spoken and she will pick up on it.....I take care of my friends little girl, she is my daughter, even tho she isnt my blood, I'm the one she calls mommy, and I'm the one who takes care of her every day, I tuck her into bed at night, I've taught her everything she knows, and if there is one thing I've done with her, I tell her she is beautiful every single day a ton of times, she just smiles and laughs when I tell her and she is only two. . .I make sure she eats at least three meals, good meals a day and she has a couple snacks throughout the day as well....and no matter how much I hate myself I will never look in the mirror and cringe around her or say anything bad about my body, because I know she will pick up on it, and I want her to grow up happy and healthy and never think about an ED. Please get some help. I know how hard it is, I know how scary it is, but you know, really, what is it that you are scared about in getting help? What is it that makes u not do it? If you find out why ur scared and why you dont want to then you can over come that fear and save ur life before u go down that path....look at the posts from us over the past few weeks or even months, check out the terrible things that are in our hearts, souls and minds on a daily basis, see that we pass out, we have trouble taking care of things we have to do, I am falling apart as im sure many others are because of this, please stop it before u go too far....and u dont need a therapist that has been there, because once u have an ED u are never completely cured, u can relapse at anytime, and no matter if you've been "recovered" for years one thought, or one thing could trigger u and u are right back to square one, you could be talking to a therapist for ED's and if they've been anorexic you could say soemthing and trigger them right back to it, or they could trigger you, You'd be suprised how much that they really can help even tho they havent been there, if they specalize in ED's they know everything that they need to, to be able to help you....The first step is always the hardest and the scariest, but please take it, for your daughters sake....you dont want to get caught up in this and have it kill you, then where will ur daughter and hubby too be, be without you? god bless you and take care, dont give up okay...you've been through a lot, but look at the good/great/wonderful things and people you have to live for and be strong and healthy for....you dont want to get so sick you can't play with ur daughter.....every daughter needs her mother, so please if not for urself or ur man or anyone else, do it for her
hi i am back. thanks maggie, i do agree, its just when people start telling you, you are stupid, i think you start believing it. It is great talking to all you guys, i know you all understand, and you all give great advice. I am really trying to listen to you all. i went to the doctors today and nearly spoke to him about the way i feel, cos i thought my tonsilitus had came back. but he had a student in there, i also had my daughter with me, so i couldnt talk with her being there. but as i were even thinking of telling him, my heart started racing and i came over all nervous. but at least i was a step closer.

~~~~~hi selldom sick~~~~~~,thank you also for writing to me and sharing your illness me. I do give out my heart to all of you, i have been reading some of your boards and really feel for you all. but we are all in this together. and i do appreciate all of you veiws and concern.
i have made myself sick a couple of times in the past months, i was drinking, and felt i could easilly do, so i did, it gave me the guts to do it and not care. but i do have a fobia of being sick so normally i wouldnt dare, but the thought does cross my mind. but im not brave enough. i dont think you can call it brave really, can you? I am always thinking of food to, always, i hate it, i dont want to be thing of food. i hate food. i am bored of food, i only eat because if i dont i feel ill, and get the shakes and so on...plus i eat because i want my daughter to have a good attitude toward food, shes really fussy as it is, dont like this, dont like that. but i will take laxatives now and then but sometimes i have to, i also have IBS, i have had it for years, and i get really consitpated and servely bloated that i look like im 6 months pregnant, honestly! i have got my parnter to take a photo of my stomache when it bloats like that, dont ask me why... and when my tummy does this i cant handle looking like this, it gets me down.
I also have just changed my pill over to cos i have break through bleeding quit alot, and the pill im on now has made me gain abit of weight and i cant shift it. as i have mentioned i was 7st 4lbs at christmas,and i really want to drop my weight back down to this again. well i am going to be honest, if i had my way.i would like to be a size 6. but i think my body wont allow me because of my body frame.but i have changed my pill hoping i will loose some weight,but knowing my luck, ill put it on.

Im having a bad week this week, i really feeling fat!!!!!! im trying to ignore these feelings, but finding it very hard. i have been trying nearly every top that i have in my wardrobe and tooken it off because i just felt fat it in, and they make me look awful, am i the one one that has this problem or do you guys have this to????
I just wish i could have the perfect body that i want in my head. i wish i could be taller to, but that aint going to happen either.
:D hi aleash, thank you. and well done to yourself as well. he is the best, thats why i love him so much, and marrying him.
i had to tell him, i felt bad that i was keeping this from him. im a very honest person and cant lie about anything, ive been so honest in the past its got me into trouble.

your not a hipocrit, your just scared like all of us. you just need to pluck up the courage, thats what people keep telling me to. like my partner said, you have admitted you have the problem, thats the hardest bit.
Its a long time before you go back to school isnt it? do they have help at your school then?

I thing i was reading your board earlier about: eating in pubic, i have been like this since i left shool which was nearly 11 years ago, i would always feel paranoid when eating, and would cover my mouth. i started having lunch at home.
I still feel the same now especially hate it when i go to a resturant. I did leave feedback, and asked it if my problem could of started back then. what do you think?
aleash, thats good though that you are ready to amit to the professionals, like you said to me, it is the hardest step, but you have to start some when, but in your own time and when you feel you are ready.
I suppose that will be my problem now, making that appointment and sitting face to face with them and disgussing your hardest problem of all. i have been recomended therapy so many times now, for the loss of my child, being sexually abuse by my own father as a child, other things but have always refused. and those things i just mentioned, still bother me til this present day, so im tryint to deal with those feelings and how i feel about myself and my weight.

life is just so cruel, why cant it be easy???? why are we all being tested? it feels like that dont it?

one month til you go back to school, thats a very long time. but just try and keep your chin up and try and be strong. x
JONISTYLE2, And what a good attitude!!! why not. my partner says im pestimist, and im always negative. but i cant help it, this is just the way i am. he's obviously a optomist. which i suppose is a good thing, i wish i could be more like him.
Tina-
I hear you on trying to cope with so many tragic things, I'm sorry you had to experince so many horific experiences. I look at my life and sometimes I feel like I could write a soap. I mean I have experienced pleantly of things I should have gone to thearpy for: finding my mom cheating on my dad, my friend shooting himself in my bedroom, my ED, overdossing. I look at some of things I have experienced and at the time I never thought I could get through it, I always wonder why do I have to go through so many horrible things, while others don't. The answer "It makes me a stronger person" it really does. Without experiencing the things we have, we wouldn't be the people we are, and honestly I like who I am. I may have my fare share of problems but in all I like my life, and who I have become. So Tina hang in there I know you will get through this and we are all here for you to help you along the way!!!!! :)
[QUOTE=maggie043]you never think an ED is a good idea but ED twists your brain up and around and before you know it you find yourself agreeing with ED about your weight, how you look, its all a huge misperception you know and you end up buying into it and then it is down down down into eating disorder hell and then its a lot of little tiny tiny baby steps out with lots of leaps backwards. I think what everyone is tryring to say is you are "growing" an ED and if you can put some weed killer on it RIGHT NOW that would be wonderful!![/QUOTE]

:wave: : hi maggie, i agree, in trying the weed killer, but i suppose it takes a long time to get to the roots. but im trying. what i am trying to say i think is that i dont think it will get any ffurther, if i can help it, plus i told my boyfriend, and i exspect he will be keeping a close.

these are feelings i have had for quite some time, but it is my fear of them getting worse and what could happen, like all these thoughts i get in my head, will i actually let them happen, but im trying not to let them happen.

I dont know if what i said made any sence. i really want to get rid of them, and thats why i wanted to get help. my partner said he will come with. :wave: :angel:
it made perfect sense :). You can't "control" ED it controls you, you need to work on what you think about when you are participating in whatever your eating disorder is - if you can begin to recognize what is going on you can start trying to get a handle on things so to say. For example - I haven't thrown up now in two months and I have been to the toilet a billion times wanting to however I am at the place at the moment (hopefully I can stay here) where I am sticking my head in the toilet and have a sane moment where I can say Maggie WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING. THen I try to think what the heck AM I doing. Am I sad, am I lonely, do I need a hug, am I angry, why am I wanting to throw up.... Your right about the thoughts and feeling they can get worse and probably will over time, I'm with all the board on this one - get help now before its too late - I sounded like you 30 years ago I thought I could control it but I found out I couldn't and here I am 43 years old with ED since 13, it is very sad. I often wonder how life would have been without ED and who I would be...





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