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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Ok I have been writing on this board alot latley, but I'm not sure how much longer I will, acutlly this might be my last thread. Honestly I feel like such a hipicret to be posting on here. I preach to all of you how I want to get better, how all of you sould seek help, but deep down I find that as much as I would like to get better I still don't want to.
Last night was hell and made me reailze I don't think I am ready to admit to the outside world I have a problem. I mother made dinner last night, and I helped out alittle. When it was time to eat I was so overwhelmed I didn't know what to do. She first offered me some rice and I said no thank you, then some crab (put a couple legs on my plate), then the salad which I also refused. I had already ate about 700 maybe less calories that day and couldn't get myself to eat more, I knew if I did I would just run to the toilet. My mother got really furstrated and was like "What is wrong I thought you were hungry, why won't you eat my food. You always are getting upset latley and we have no idea what is wrong with you, what have we done is it something we did?" I just didn't know what to say, I couldn't tell her the turth, here was my prime opportunity to come clean to both of them and tell them I have a problem, but I jsut couldn't find the words. Instead I burst into tears and excused myself from the table. I managed to clean myself up and come back to dinner. I ate some crab meat and a little bit of salad with fat free dressing. Even though I know that couldn't have been mroe then 150 cals. I just couldn't keep it down, and had to go to the "bathroom" after dinner.
When my mom and I were doing dishes, my dad left the room and my mother is like "What is bothering you, I know somethings been wrong for hte past couple weeks, is it something your father and I did?" "You know you can tell us anything, I will help you with whatever is wrong". I sat there thinking "Here's my chance I can finally tell her, get this off my back, maybe she will understand". At the same time I couldn't help thinking a) what if she doesn't and thinks I am completley over reacting b) maybe I don't really have a problem, its not that bad. and c) I don't really want to stop, and I know she will make me go cold turkey,and I can't just stop everythign right now I will go crazy.
So I just lied and said I was worked up with a fight between my bf and I. She excepted this stroy and moved on. Later at night though she confronted me once more and told me she didn't by it, and begged me to tell her what was bothering me, and I still couldnt get up the guts to say it to her :) I just feel so lost.
To make the night even worse my bf and I got in a huge fight becuase I told him what had happened. He told me he is really scared that I am out of control with my ED and if I don't tell my parents he will. The thing is I am almost 100% postive telling my parents will make it worse. If you have been reading my other posts you will know that I think my mother has an ED too, and is always comparing herself to me. So telling her that I have one, will just make it worse. I am jsut so confused and lost right now and honestly as much as I hate my ED its is the only thing I have that is conforting to me and helps me cope with my stress (I know that is sick, but thats how I feel).
So this post is really long and I didn't even explain everything that I want to becuase I have to get off the computer. But I just needed to vent and get some of this out. You all have been really supportive for me latley, but I just feel like I have let everyone down by trying to get help and saying I want it, and now I feel like I am back at the begining and just want to continue down this hellish path.
Confused and lost,

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