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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board


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Wow, Maggie and sammy, thank you gguys so much.
Maggie, you said something that really really hit me. . . that you keep going because of ur youngest. And that you don't know what would happen to her if you weren't around. and I can't ever leave Madison. She's my everything. And I have to know that she is okay. I mean when we're sitting out in the kitchen this morning I made her breakfast and actually ate with her this morning which is a rare thing, she just gets out of the chair and comes over and climbs up on my lap and says I wanna hug and just squeezes me so tight that her whole little body shakes and then she'll give me a kiss and she says I WOVE YOU MOMMY CHISSY and its like she just has my heart wrapped tight around her little pinky and I cannot even do anything but wanna cry. I dont know if I've ever told u guys, she isn't my baby.....I mean she is. . . but biologically she isn't my child.....believe me it doesnt make me love her any less, because theres been times ive sat and thought about it and I dont know if I want to have any kids of my own because I dont know that I could ever love another child the way I love her . . her mom and I used to be friends about 2 years ago she has madison......I used to party and drink and do so many drugs....to be completely honest the first time my ex friend brought madison over to see me she was about a week n a half old and I was stoned out of my mind on marijuana.....and she put the baby in my arms and I cried and i told her too take her back that I was scared I was going to hurt her that I couldnt hold a child was I was on drugs. And madisons b-day is august 3rd, my best friend died september 20th and thats when I changed my whole life around......and thats when my ex friend....madisons mom got back into her drugs real bad.....she is a herion addict....and when she did that I took the baby.....I mean it wasnt like I kidnapped her or anything, but she just let me have the baby....so now she just turned two a couple weeks ago and she does know her real mom, I take her too see her at least once or twice a week.....I very rarely let her real mom keep her over nite, because im afraid that she will get too messed up and not take care of her.....but she does know her mom and her dad is a stand up guy, her mom n dad arent together, and i let her dad take her for a couple days at a time, its nice it gives me a lil break sometimes...but sometimes the way I thiink about it is like her real mom is a herion addict and I'm struggling with my anorexia.....but i mean both things could kill both of us, and even if her real mom will live forever, if I die there is no one to take care of her....no one to give her the love and the life she deserves to have.....so i too try so hard to take it one day at a time, and put on foot in front of the other because ive gotta be here for her......but it still doesnt make it any easier.....not at all.....but im going to wake her up she's been taking a nap now for almost two hours and take her for a walk into the park so she can play for a little bit..... taking ur advice of doing something with my youngin when i feel so lonely and horrible about myself......you truly are a blessing i love being able to talk wiht u. you keepp ur head up and always keep taking one step at a time.........has ur 14 yr old started school yet??? if so how is it going for her with skipping a grade? I hope thigns are well and none of the ignorant children are giving her a hard time.....if so u tell her to keep her head up that she's got nothing to be ashamed of their just mad that they arent as smart as her......lots of love
chrissy





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