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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Well, I don't think that my friend has talked to the teacher she was talking about yet.. so.. I dunno.. A part of me hopes that she doesn't.. because I don't know whats gonna happen.. and its just so confusing..

Sorry I haven't been posting a lot lately, but i've had school and have been so busy.. I've been such a bad person lately.. not following my new 700 calorie goal.. since i've had school, i've used that as an excuse to not eat lunch, saying that school food is really fattening and nasty and I can't eat it.. *sighs*. I'm such a.. I dunno.. I thought I wanted to get better, and at times I want to get better, but at other times I'm like trying to think of ways to starve myself. whats wrong with me? its like I have multiple personalities or something.. and I'm sooooooo moody.. Sometimes in the morning I can't even hide the fact that I'm depressed, especially if I've just weighed myself. People keep asking me whats wrong and i'm just so.. in this bad mood.. its so weird.

I think that deep down I really want my mom to know.. because I keep finding myself telling her how I think I'm so fat, which is truly what i believe.. but i know it makes her mad.. and then i'll mention stuff about other people having problems or whatever with eating, or saying a "friend" has this certain problem, which isn't true, I'm really talking about myself.. but she never really says anything, or picks up on it..

I've just realized that my "friend" that was lecturing me about eating disorders and stuff.. well.. before she said she was starving herself for long periods of time trying to lose weight, and it really freaked me out.. well, I just learned that she never did.. she never lost all that weight shetalked about.. it was all a lie.. and she only did it for attention, to get attention from me.. that is so wrong in so many ways.. Why use something as serious as an ED for attention? I knew it was too weird.. her telling me immediately when she "began" and then seh stopped in like one day.. I knew it was too weird.. but.. I dunno.. I'm just feeling hurt, its hard for me to trust her now.. and I already had an issue with trust before.. but.. I dunno. its like she makes my problem out to not really be that big of a deal if she's gonna lie about it and stuff.. its so weird. Sorry for venting..

My best friend has been here for me so much means a lot to me to knowt hat she's here, but I try not to talk about it, and I try to act okay.. because I know she has her own problems, and I don't want to stress her out with mine, and be a burden to her.. So, I think I'm just gonna keep all this stupid ED stuff to myself and just try to fight it on my own.. even though itsn ot working out too well.

I just don't know what to do anymore.. I'm struggling so much... struggling with myself mostly.. feeling fat all the time.. eating makes me just.. just wanna throw up and I hate it.. I hate feeling fat.. and I honestly think i'm fat.. how is it that i think my best friend is skinny and she weighs 15-20lbs more than me, but I think i'm fat? (and i'm taller)... somethings wrong with me.. maybe you can be skinnier yet weigh more.. i just don't understand why everyone keeps telling me i'm underweight, or too thin or that i need help.. I mean, i guess itsnot that bad right? I mean.. i'm doing fine.. nothing bad has happened...

goodness.. now i'm trying to talk myself out of this! i'm just going crazy! i dont' know what to do! whats wrong with me?? why do I feel this way? why is this happening?? aaaaaaaugh!

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