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I dont expect any of you to read all of this, or even want to, lol, I just feel down and need to rant!

Does anyone get in those funny moods where everything seems so meaningful? lol. Im playing Dido (sad I know :p ) and Im just looking round the room in a depressive mood. Im down - I dont know why!
Im still asking -do I have an ED? I dont know. I dont have Ana becasue havent lost my period for 3 months, but, I hate what Im in, but in a way, I love what im in. Would I have it any other way? Yeh I surpose I would becasue its depressing and im forever thinking about what im eating and if im fat. I never thought that I would think I was fat! I didnt! I never have been I guess, im petite, but, I just feel fat and look fat to myself, and I guess - to other people? :(
It was the First Day back of school today - im going back to 6th Form so I only have 4 subjects. I was getting quite excited bout going back, until I went shopping with my boyfriend and his mum yesterday and his mum brought me a pasty which I felt rude to refuse, but I couldnt eat it! When I saw her buying us all lunch i was physically nearly sick! even before I ate it. My B/f knew i didnt want it, so told me to eat 1/2. He is lovely really! Then my mum forced me to eat all of tea! So by the time I had gone to bed, my belly was bloated and HORRIDE! and what a surprise it wasnt gone by this morning!
If someone who knew me was reading this they would probably say I was silly - one of my friends said the other day - even if you do get bloated you dont look fat! Which is fine - I guess, but I FEEL disgusting, i feel huge and ugly!
The thing is.....I want to eat! But I cant! Downstairs there is a portion of plum crumble (my fav) But ive eaten so much today, that im getting butterflies in my tummy which are holding me back from eating. My hands are shaking and im cold and my throat keeps gagging at the thought of eating it. I want it...but i CANT!!!!!! ARGHHHH!!!!!!!!!

So anyway, today, I went to school, looking - normal? Fat? Thin? i dunno! Plain!!!! and i signed up for lessons, sat in assembly and went home - went straight to the gym and now im at home again!
Having eaten all of tea and some BBQ!
Im honestly about to cry, what is wrong with me.

Im so sorry for this - i must sound like such an arse.
I just want to be normal again. Not have to worry. Im always looking at people and seeing how much they eat, and im always in competition with them, if I eat more, I feel like S***! becasue I sit here and say to myself , "i wonder what so-and-so has eaten today......I bet she has eaten less then me." And then I feel crap!
Everyday is the same, i wake up try - my hardest to get better, then maybe ill not eat and feel ok, but i then know that ive let myself down and that I should be eating. Or maybe ill eat loads, and feel so horrible that ill spend the whole night crying.!
Ive got a party tomorrow and im sooooo scared I Look Awful!!!!! I look disgusting! Argh!

Im so sorry for this guys,
DOnt worry if you havent read any of it.
Its so long!

X Hannie X





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