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I am also anorexic (not 100% in recovery) and I think your explanation Kitty was perfect. I know that the numbers dropping really gave me a rush, a "high" and I just wanted it more and more. Also not eating is a way of dealing with problems because it numbs me out. If I don't eat, then I don't feel. And that hungry feeling does give me a sense of power and control. Like "look at my willpower, I can resist the urge to eat even if I'm hungry". It's sick but it's true.
I know that I still eat, but I eat minimally, and I eat a lot of things that don't have many calories (like veggies, sugar free jello, etc). It's a horrible disease and the mind games are incredible. I know that I also spend 24/7 thinking about food and it's things like "what can I eat that won't make me fat", etc. etc.
It is really hard to explain.
Heya. Sounds like you are really struggling with your eating disorder. I never realized just how close BED was to bulimia. Actually, your behavior sounds very bulimic, but instead of vomiting or using laxitives, your method of purging is by restricting the next few days. I was a lot like that a few months back.. I'd restrict all week and then I'd visit with my boyfriend on the weekends. Because I didn't want him to be worrying about my eating habits, I'd start to eat normally on the weekends for him.. but because I was starving, I'd end up bingeing. I guess for me, I was able to make it through my restriction days because starving kind of dazed me out. I was really depressed, didn't know how to deal with it, and starving sort of separated me from it.. kind of like I was watching my life happen through a thick pane of glass. And I found it easy to ignore the big problems I had going on in my life because my entire day was reduced to the numbers on the scale, the calories in my soup, the minutes until I could eat again, the hours I slept at night. It's definitely a very bad coping mechanism. Just like binge eating is. That's the best I can explain it.

I don't know if you've tried.. but I have learned that the best way to avoid binge eating is to get regular proper nutrition in the first place. By dieting after a binge, you are setting yourself up for another binge because 400-500 calories is starving yourself and eventually your body will over-rule your mind. It sounds like what you're doing is not just "emotional eating", but it's also very physiological. And I know it's hard and you'll be terrified of gaining weight.. but next time after a binge you could try to not diet the next days. Just try to shake it off as a bad episode and don't let it ruin the rest of your week. Try to eat normally, healthfully, and with a few treats too (I love ice cream and try to make sure I get some of that every day as a treat). You might find that by doing this, you won't have binge eating episodes as often and maybe will be able to ignore the urge when it comes. Heh, it's a very rocky road.. I've stumbled more than I can say. But it's worth a try if it means you can find a way out of that vicious cycle.

::hugs::
Thanks for your replies guys. I really never considered myself bulimic, I do have some certain traits of it, but I literally have every trait of an emotional binge eater, so I definetly consider myself that. I did read that a lot of binge eaters aren't obese because they go back and fourth on strict diets and thats exactly what I do. And the thing is I am trying to lose weight fast, so even though I know eating "normally" will maybe help me stop bingeing...I just can't do it. I am either on an intense diet, and if I eat like a few calories over it I totally say "***** it" and binge on everything. Their is no in between. If I weren't in such a rush to once and for all lose weight, maybe I would be able to eat normally. Except I have tried to do the old lose 1-2 pounds a week, and I go NUTS. I have panic attacks and become so depressed and anxious because it takes too long to lose weight that way. And I honestly can't do it. I have gained probably 7 pounds this WEEK, but I know I will lose it again...and then gain it and then lose it. I am just hoping that this time I get to my goal weight. God this is so hard to deal with every day!
Lasalla-
I agree with the others about you possibly being bulimic. I suffer from both anorexia and bulimia. Although I have induced vomiting a few times, most of my bulimia has consisted of purging by excessive exercise. However, often lately I'll eat what most people would consider a 'normal' meal and I'll get that full feeling (not stuffed) and then start to feel sick and want to throw up.
hello there...i wouldn't have considered my days dull, i full productive days. It was just easier because you become ingrossed in what your doing and food is the furtherest thing from your mind. For me; food is not a friend, it can't talk to you, give you a cuddle...it is just something that you eat cos if you don't you die. I don't really think of it as something i would "lust" after...yuk. What is good about it?? I'm in recovery but really struggling at the moment, ana is hard to deal with she controls the way you think and feel. Food is evil. I think it's horrible that I have remind myself to eat. How do normal people do it without having to think of it??? [COLOR=Indigo]I don't mean to trigger anyone else, and bring issue's up for you. I am feeling really triggered at presend and this post seemed a "venting" but everyone how has ana...didn't ask for it, yes we have issue's to deal with just like everyone else with a ed. i too have a sick, icky feeling after eating and yes want to throw it up, it feels revolting and disgusting.
[QUOTE=shining_star]hello there...i wouldn't have considered my days dull, i full productive days. It was just easier because you become ingrossed in what your doing and food is the furtherest thing from your mind. For me; food is not a friend, it can't talk to you, give you a cuddle...it is just something that you eat cos if you don't you die. I don't really think of it as something i would "lust" after...yuk. What is good about it?? I'm in recovery but really struggling at the moment, ana is hard to deal with she controls the way you think and feel. Food is evil. I think it's horrible that I have remind myself to eat. How do normal people do it without having to think of it??? [COLOR=Indigo]I don't mean to trigger anyone else, and bring issue's up for you. I am feeling really triggered at presend and this post seemed a "venting" but everyone how has ana...didn't ask for it, yes we have issue's to deal with just like everyone else with a ed. i too have a sick, icky feeling after eating and yes want to throw it up, it feels revolting and disgusting.[/QUOTE]


Well for me it is the total opposite. I hate that food makes me gain weight, and I hate that it has power over me but I cannot stop emotionally eating. Believe me I have tried. I don't LIKE emotionally eating, but I cannot control it. The best way to describe it is like a heroin addict who needs "just one more hit"(you always think it will be your 'last time' bingeing)...when the urge to binge comes on there is nothing to distract you from it. All you're thinking about is how much you want to binge, and the more you try and resist the more intense the feeling gets like you are losing control, until you binge on tons of junk in such a short amount of time. The only thing I know is that when I am eating I don't think of ANYTHING but how good the food tastes. I don't think about being depressed, being angry or anything at all. All I think about is how the food tastes and it is like a release for me. During my days I have nothing to look forward to, nothing that makes me happy. So as the day goes on, the more anxious I feel like I need relief from what I am feeling or I will break down...for cutters they cut themselves when they feel anxious and need to release this feeling, for binge eaters we eat, drug addicts do drugs. In all cases we feel like we cannot stop like we are being controlled to do these things. You'd probably assume I am extremely fat but I am not. Sure I am overweight but I am 5'4 140 pounds. Not considered obese. I wish there was a way for me to have no emotional attatchment for food. For me to be normal and simply eat food to survive. But it is just not that easy for me. Thats why it was so hard for me to understand anorexia. When anxiety is building up in me, and I feel like I cannot sit still I eat to relieve it. But people who are anorexic don't do that.





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