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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board


Eating Disorder Recovery Board Index


Hi,

well i guess im writing this because i just feel really bad and im not sure if i have reason to or should or why or.. or what for.. one of those nights i guess. I dont have an eating disorder, well i dont have one thats been classafied by a doctor.. but im worried, im worried about myself and im tired of feeling so ****** and im embarraced by what i feel and im mad at me because im getting mysef in the **** and what for? am i really this superfical? aparently so :(

ok so.. im sorry ur probably wondering *** im on about ha well.. i was overweight for a long time, not majourly just overweight, enuff for me to not want to go out, not want to by clothes etc so i went on a diet, ha ive been on lots of diets, i finally made myself a plan and stuck to it, its been like a year that ive stuck to it, same foods day in day out, avoiding situaitions that would reck my diet.. im a normal weight now, witch is good but i still dislike me, i dislike alot, the way i look, i thought that wen i hit my goal weight, i would feel confident,i would want to go out, i would want to go shopping etc but i find myself more critical and more than ever not wanting to do those things, i started taking a prescription weightloss drug, orignally i got it from my doctor then he said no more, and for a whole month without it i feel like i was getting fatter and fatter by the day, i felt bloated and horrible and fat SO fat so i did an over the phone consultation and got the pills that the doc had prescribed, i had to lie about my weight, these pills, they cost alot and im a single mum on a bennifit, i dont have that kinda money so, i got a credit card, today i got the bill, and i have no idea how im going to pay it.. i feel like such an icredible idiot b'cos i cant afford this and.. my time, almost all of it is spent thinking about how much i weigh and how i look and.. and.. argh i dunno, i feel lost.. wen i was 14, i would throw up after i ate.. i ditched skool lunches and hid food from my parents, they found my diary and confrunted me, they asked me to promice id never do that again, i said i wouldnt, theyve never said anything since, i no it devistated them to think there daugher would do such a thing.. im not 14 now tho, im 25.. i dont do that, it took a while but i did stop doing that but recently, as in the last few months i did it.. but only a couple of times.. now i just feel.. i dunno, i dont want to get fat, ive been there, i dont want to be there again, but i dont want to be here either cos i feel just as bad - i think.. sorry, if i say anything else it prolly wont make sence :confused:





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