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Some that cared...
Jan 1, 2006
It's been a while since I've actually taken the time to talk to anyone about anything. And I guess it's probably been a while since I've last posted. Don't you hate it when you think you've got it together and you're moving forward and making progress and the wham. you flat on your a$$ and fall backwards instead of walking forwards? It seems like everytime i start doing well I'm back where I started or worse. I had been doing really well, I ended up gaining 17 pounds. And I was actually starting to like the way I looked and be happy that you didnt see my ribs and my hip bones poking out. I wasn't a "walking skeleton" anymore, my dads side of the family who always makes comments about me being so skinny, or anorexic....which none of them know i am but it does really hurt, and they didnt even say anything about it anymore, it was like I had gained enough weight back that I finally looked healthy again. And to be honest I dont even know what happened. I don't just everything I slowly let fall apart, and I can't say it just fell apart, because no matter what ur faced with u make a choice, and i made a choice to deal with stress and anger the only way i know possible. . . I lost a lot of weight n a little bit of time, which made me feel better and way worse all at the same time. So angry at myself for letting all my hard work go to waste. and then I got the flu, and I was sick in bed throwing up for like two days, I couldnt eat anything, I asked my mom at one point to bring me some chicken noodle soup and i drank some of the broth which only made me sick again, so I was trying to even eat but with the flu I was just entirely to sick to eat, well today is the first day ive felt somewhat better, and ive lost so much weight in those two days of being sick, and the day before that i hadn't ate i was getting ready to eat, i had even made up a salad it was probably 7 but i was just getting to it, i just got off work and thats when i started to get sick so i went straight to bed and was up in the middle of the nite, so i dont know, but in the past 6 years now, I have never once even thought about wanting to talk to a doctor about my anorexia, but after all of whats gone on lately im really starting to get scared. I've thought about it, and I am going to die if I dont do something, I'm just frozen, I know I need to go, but its like I just need support, I just need someone that would go with me to the doctor the first time, just to go with me, i mean sit n the waiting room but just to know i wasnt alone, to know i had someone there who wanted to help me get to where i need to be.....just someone that cared
thank you so much hun. I really appreciate it, and I love quotes and poetry and things of that sort, and I really loved the two you chose to share with me. Thank you. They really made a lot of sense and are right down the line of how i think. I actually am in the process of putting my poetry into one book the way i want it, so I can publish it and the title is going to be.... "flying with broken wings" and then hopefully one day down the road ill be able to put another compilation of my work together and hopefully it will be full of more happiness than the first. Sometimes Its like the only person who knows me is my pen....weird as it may sound, I most of the time dont know me, I will go from calm and happy to so angry in a flash that i can't even control it, and i mean i wont take it out on anyone else but myself, and i can open my mouth and try to speak n i cant, but then i can pick up a pen and touch it to paper and i can't put it down. I am starting to scare myself though. You are so right, it scares me because normally I make the choice, I say I'm not going to eat anything today, no matter what or why....u know. I know it is a stupid choice, but if I would make it go the other way then i have to deal with all the feelings it brings. but I used to deal with them and just keep pressing on, just tell myself get over it and forget it and just do it or else ur going to die.........well I dont want to trigger neone or anything, so if u think u may be then dont read what ima bout to say.........but ever since ive been sick with the flu i haven't ate anything at all.....I made a bowl of soup tonite because its somewhere in me i know that this is really bad and that i gotta try and i did and within the first few bites it was already making me sick.....thats what scares me....i dont want to end up in a hospital with a feeding tube, I watched it happen to a friend of mine, and i didnt understand, but now i do, i understand why she wouldnt just eat, because its like u really cant, although u could. My regular doctor is very nice and I do trust her, I know that she would do whatever possible to help me because everytime i go to the dr's office no matter what for its the first thing that comes out of her mouth when she sees me, do u eat? are u anorexic? and i would blow it off, with the whole, i've been a classical ballet dancer for years until my ankle gave out on me and i had to give it up, and i was a soccer freak and played that for years and ran five miles a day for it, and with that she would let it roll, but i dont know, i know she never believed me but she knew as well as i did unless i ask for help and am ready to recieve it her forcing me to talk to her about it wouldn't make me get better. not until I would chose that this life style and what im doing isnt working and that i need to change. I dont know why i am so scared, even though i know she would be very supportive and helpful. I just i dont know, im supposed to be able to handle everything on my own, and be able to figure it out and make it right, i shouldn't have to go to someone to ask for help whenever i got myself into the situation u know. Or maybe i just need to learn to let some people in. But once you've been hurt so bad by someone, the trust u once had for people is never there again, no matter how convincing, i never trust them fully, i always have my wall around my heart, so no one can ever get in close enough to hurt me again, but the same wall that protects me from hurt, causes me nothing but pain because im isolated and all be honest i dont know where exactly i need to go to ask for help because the little tiny town i live in its like i dont trust they have the resources or know how to treat me u just rambling on and im sorry.

how have you been doing? and how was ur holidays? I just want to thank u for taking time to drop me a few lines, and kept me from feeling completely alone out here n the world. You're a beautiful person. keep your chin up and ur heart light. and always keep pressin

take care, all the love,

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