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Re: Choices
Jan 14, 2006
hello and thank you all so very much for those encouraging words, and they come in so helpful and thoughtful and loving in a time like this. After i had posted that I was done I have really been having a big reality check. I woke up one day and I looked in the mirror and I thought OH MY GOD IS THAT REALLY ME??? and it was like instantly I said what the hell am I doing to myself. im a skeleton, i am skin and bones. and I called the doctors office I go to and asked them if they were at all qualified to treat people with eating disorders and she spoke with a nurse and my doctor and my doctor wanted to see me, because she's been asking me everytime i go if i have an eating disorder and i refuse to ever admit to it u know. so she saw me the very next day and she had blood work done, after she talked to me for about two hours and i went to check out and she came out and got me and took me back in a room again and asked me if i would go to the hospital, and i told her i really didnt want to, and she consistently asked me until i said i would, and then she asked me to promise her, because she knew i would keep a promise and i said are they going to keep me and she said I dont think they will, so I promised her I would go, now I think that she knew they would keep me and that was her intentions to just get me there to where they could admit me and make me stay. I am having such a hard time right now, they just let me out of the hospital and i was in there for 4 days i believe. I'm not really sure im just really happy to be home. I had a great dietitan who majored in eating disorders and really talked to me a lot and helped me out a lot with knowing that there are people that can help us that understand what we're going thru, she's never had an eating disorder before, but she told me how i felt without me even having to tell her. so it helped a lot to really see there is people who can help me, she gave me her cell # and she wants me to call her and let her know if any of the places she gave me information on are going to accept me without having insurance and if not then she would find somewhere that would because she said she wants to do whatever it is she possibly can to help me in my recovery. I am told that I need to go inpatient I'm really scared right now. Up until this week I've been able to hide, now i can't. I mean everyone knew but no one would say anything about it to me because id never admit to it u know. Well all of my boss's at work know, my grandma, everyone so I've found theres no reason to be hiding it now, like if someone whom i care about asks me about it now i will sit down and talk to them as best as i can, or at least try to, its hard, but its helping, im learning how to be a little more open anyways u know. so i guess i haven't given up ladies....I guess my long long journey is just beginning, and at times i dont know why i went and got myself where i have people who are going to make me get better.......and then there are times im so happy i had the courage to go get help so i can get better....I'm just scared of taking that step not knowing weither im going to land on solid ground or not. but at least now i know ive got support where i felt so all alone before....but you all are a blessing, and thank you so much....I hope that we can all find a spot where we can be essentially happy with where we are in our lives and happy with the way we look and happy about not being bonded down by the chains our ed's bring along......I guess util I have to go inpatients, until I can get accepted in I will be around. I'm not going back to work at least for a week, and maybe not at all depending on how soon I get into one. I see my doctor on thursday and she's trying to get me into sheppard-pratt in towson, MD they are supposed to have a really good eating disorder unit there one of the best on the east coast, and i dont really want to go to awful far from home, towson is almost two hours away so its not extremely bad, I just dont know how well I'll do being away for so long. so its going to be tough but i guess i cant stop now. thank u all again and please dont give up either....i thought i was done for, but u starting to see a tiny ray of hope.....and i hope that those of u who all cared for me and wanted me to stay can find that ray of hope in your lives and be able to find the strength to over come thise, with the help of a lot of other caring and helping individuals, and for those of u who haven't asked for help i hope u can find the courage to do so. Don't wait too long to do it. i waited 6 years......the sooner u go, the easier it is to get help and to get out of it before its dietitan asked me this afternoon why i never sought out help before now, and she said i know i know, ur not worthy of anyone else's help, and u dont feel u deserve anyone to love u or care for u and i said exactly and she said but u are so wrong. You do deserve to be loved and cared for and nurtured just the same as everyone else. would you honestly treat someone else the way that you treat you? and its really got me thinking and there is no way I would. she said think of the little two year old you take care of.... would you starve her....would u not feed her when she was hungry and not give her a drink when she is thirsty, would u not hug her when she cries. i said of course id do all of those when she needed it i would never starve her or not give her a drink and i always give her hugs and kisses and love, and she said then why would you do that to you? and you know I still haven't been able to come up with one good reason why...... so I figured I know i cant do it on my own and want to have a life again, and everyone has assured me i can regain my life, so I'm going to try to get it back...and I know that anyone else can do so too, just try to have that courage...
"Courage is not the towering oak tree that stands strong in the winds, its the small flower who opens in the snow" thank u all so much, love chrissy

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