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oh, it's so good to hear from you! i've been feeling a little low (about myself) lately and dishing out advice like there's no tomorrow (to you) and i think somewhere in there i forgot to give myself my own reality check. thanks for bringing me back down to earth! before i say anything else, i just want you to know how much it REALLY helps me to have you to talk to about this stuff. maybe cuz we seem to think the same about things, cuz we're tall (which really seems to affect stuff for some reason), maybe cuz we seem to be battling the exact same demons . . . whatever it is, whenever i read your posts, get your advice or try to give you some, i really feel good, you know? anyway, let's (literally!) keep each other posted. i think we'll be able to help each other move through recovery more quickly if we just keep our eyes on the end goal and fight it through together, you know? (also, we each have a tendency towards VERY long posts (i write for a living, that's my excuse!), so i feel like we can really touch on a lot of things, you know?)

well, here goes another (hopefully not too long, but you know me!) multiple subject post:

gosh, the feeling "average" thin part of this ED really SUCKS, doesn't it? i KNOW i'm not fat AT ALL, but i don't think i'm "too thin" where i absolutely need to gain weight. i just can't not see "pleasantly thin and healthy" in the mirror, you know? so of course then, in my ED brain, any more weight than that equals "average blah and not really thin/fit at all." it's SO stupid! 126 is sickly thin, i know that, but i just can't see it! and in my logical brain, 130-135 pounds STILL seems thin. so why do i obsess over 1 lb. here or there and why am i terrified about gaining weight? before my ED, when i ate whatever i wanted (and i really did, that's the weird thing about this for me is i NEVER had food issues before. i ate a lot (the tall thing again!) and whatever i wanted (lots of sweets for me!), didn't "diet," didn't "exercise" (but was always sort of active, not just a blob lazy person) and didn't care!) anyway, i always weighed between 140 and 145 lbs and although i didn't think i was really skinny (always wished i had the motivation to watch what i ate/work out. well look where that got me!), i knew i looked dam* good. and i did. where did that confidence go???

anyway, i guess i just try to keep not trusting what i see and forging ahead trying to gain even though I don't believe i need to, you know? i figure the accept of a higher weight and the realization that i AM too thin know will come later. right now i just try to put the blinders on and keep believing everyone else who tells me i'm too skinny.

you're right that i worry WAY too much about gaining out of control. seriously, it's been MONTHS and i've barely gained anything, so why am i so obsessed with it? all week i've been freaking out that i'm gaining weight and although i don't change anything in my diet plan or exercise, the anxiety is frustrating me beyond belief! i really don't understand why i can't see the logic and realize that i'm NOT going to gain out of control. it hasn't happened yet, so why do i always feel like my body's preparing to betray me and shoot up 5 pounds overnight? jeez. any ideas on how to combat this? it's really getting me down.

and for you, you WON'T gain out of control (although if you're like me, who can't even believe that in her own life with evidence to back it up, those words probably aren't very comforting!) but you really won't, so try to take some comfort in that. you said something really intelligent in you post: "it is so much more controllable than you (and I) realize." i just wanted to back you up and say that that is SO TRUE. if you start gaining too much (post ED), you just cut back the daily ice cream a little or something. it really isn't rocket science or something that we have no control over; it's just that right now, we have WAY too much control. we gotta loosen the reigns a little, learn how to live and stop worrying, i guess! it's not like we're gonna start eating krispy kremes, mcdonald's and fried chicken on a daily basis if we don't count calories! jeez, ed's make us think weird. i'm totally with you when you talk about it being easier to see the problems clearly in someone else. it's MUCH harder to see it in yourself!

a couple more things and then, I PROMISE, I'll end this novel! In terms of the meal plan plus extra bars you got from your nutritionist, i've got a little advice. this is gonna be hard, but you need to commit yourself to following it NO MATTER WHAT EVERY DAY. you're gonna be full, you might even be stuffed and feel like you have no appetite and don't "need" another meal because you've eaten enough and aren't hungry, but you gotta force yourself to do it. the ed feelings and temptations to restrict are gonna get stronger and stronger and you gotta fight 'em down. it will be VERY difficult at first, and you WILL be eating when not hungry, you might feel sick, whatever. (remember all my posts about stomach pain, constipation, etc.? yeah, it sucked.) anyway, the reason you need to never break it no matter what (and i really do mean that. i've NEVER broken my diet plan, even if it meant a bowl of ice cream and cookies at 12pm at night to get in my calories), the reason is that it's the ONLY way you'll get over this. it's the only way you can reteach your body to eat the amount that it actually needs to stay alive. so just stick it out. it usually gets better (if you get sick/super full feelings) within a week, i promise.

also, really quick, you could ask your nutritionist, but i really think you should cut out all the low-fat cheese, fat-free, sugar-free stuff in your diet. especially because you don't seem to eat ANY foods/desserts with much, if any, fat in them. your body NEEDS a certain amount of fat to stay healthy (especially hair and skin-wise). so anyway, that's just my two cents, but i don't see any reason that you should waste money on the fat-free stuff anymore.

since this is WAY too long (sorry!) and i gotta actually do some work, i'll post a typical day of what i eat later today. i really think you can do this and i'm SO proud of you! keep me "posted!" (sorry, i couldn't resist!)





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