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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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ls, it makes me so happy and relieved to read your post! i was really worried that you were on the road to convincing yourself that you didn't need help and i'm SO glad that you realize the magnitude of this problem. therapy and a nutritionist will help you so much and i'm glad you seem willing to at least give it a try. just keep in mind that the more completely you can commit to recovering, the more quickly you will!

a few more things and then i'm gonna make myself go back to work (i've been procrastinating for about an hour!) yes, when i was that thin (i looked DISGUSTING by the way) i ate about 2000 calories every single day. i never went over, never ate less then 1900 and ran 3 miles 5 days a week. and i was SICKLY thin. i'm 6 feet tall!!! and so are you and 1500 calories is NOT enough no matter what you think! 1500 is fine for a girl who's like 5'2", but when you're as tall as we are, you NEED more just to keep going. so as much as you think 1500 is "enough" (and don't feel bad about that by the way, it's completely normal when you have an ED), it's simply not.

in terms of being VERY affected by what others say, it's really hard, i know. i completely understand the feeling of thinking you're fat because you eat a little more than someone else, because someone's happy to see you eating "x" food, because someone says you look "healthier" (that one REALLY sucks!) it's a totally normal aspect of having an ED (not that knowing that makes it go away or anything. i still feel like that all the time!) but you gotta force yourself to remember what the real situation is and therapy will help with that. you'll start to know yourself and understand your ED more and eventually, you'll beat it down! for example, my therapist keeps telling me i can't "trust" what i see in the mirror because it's distorted (ie: i see "thin, but average weight" while everyone else sees "VERY skinny") Do you know how hard it is not to trust what you see??? if you can't believe that, then what do you believe, you know? but everytime i see my body and think, "why do i have to gain weight? i'm not too thin at all, i'm average!!!" (and that's pretty much what i always see), i try to tell myself not to trust that image. it doesn't really work, but at least the logical side of my brain can argue with the eating disorder, you know?

finally, i'm doing okay. feeling really "average"/fat lately and don't really know why since my weight is pretty much hanging at 125/126 and i haven't gained anything in like a week and a half. (remember i went from 123 to 126 in the week we put me at 3500 calories?) now i'm back to 3000 a day and it doesn't appear to have moved, but for some reason i FEEL fatter everyday and i keep getting worried about gaining. so that part sucks. (oh and yeah, i assume my body is probably is some hypermetabolic state or something. i've been eating 3000 calories daily for a couple months and NOTHING has really happened with my weight. i only run 3 miles 4 times a week and i sit in a desk all day. 6' tall or not, that doesn't really add up, you know?)

anyway, i've been feeling kind of down and *fat* lately. i hate that stupid feeling! i know i'm not fat, but i see myself as "average" and it's SO hard to see why i need to weigh more than this (even though i know i do). got any advice? i just want to feel good about myself no matter what and not fret about every little 1/4 centimeter bigger that i see in my arms, you know?
Hi Joni!!
First of all, PLEASE don't apologize...I love your long posts! I get excited to see what you have to say everyday. It's fun!!
As for your feelings, I hope you believe what I told you. At 126 or 127, or whatever you said you are, you are still WAY underweight. Think of it from strictly a biological, health REALLY helps: your body needs a certain amount of calories, fat, vitamins, and minerals to perform its basic operations. Think of food as fuel and think about how long you have been depriving your body of adequate fuel! Every organ in your body is LOVING the food you are giving it now and it is gaining strength and resillience. It's like gulping a huge glass of cold water and letting out a huge breath afterwards..."ahhhhhhhhh." That is how your body is starting to feel! I can't stress this enough! For so long it was trying to figure out where to get its next piece of energy and, believe it or not, it probably started to eat your own muscles and cannibalize itself. And that doesn't mean you were not eating ANYTHING or just eating baby carrots all day. I know you think you were eating "enough," but it's pretty obvious that you weren't! Especially if you ate whatever you wanted before and weighed 145 - that is light! You must have a naturally very fast metabolism.
I sound like SUCH a hypocrit right now, but actually I think I'm lecturing to myself right now, too. It just helps to realize that food is not just food - it is NECESSARY for you to function. And I believe your cravings represent what your body needs. Sometimes I will get HUGE cravings for steak or something very specific and I think it's because my body needs Iron or B vitamins or something obvious. You know? Or I get cravings for fat a lot of the time..peanut butter, avocado, etc...(or reeses peanut butter cups, let's be serious...haha).
Anyway, all I'm trying to explain is that your body is a LOT smarter than you realize. It knows what is knows what it knows what a healthy weight is, and as long as you pay VERY CLOSE attention to it, you'll be golden. I think the worst part of anorexia is that you lose touch with your body. You don't know when you're hungry, you don't know when you're full, and you learn not to trust yourself. It's terrible!

Anyway, enough about that. I hope you're feeling inspired!
I'm feeling kind of weird today...I feel VERY fine. Yesterday I had a totally normal day (including beef stew for dinner) and today I've eaten totally normally, too, and I'm starting to freak out. I keep thinking that now I'm going to start gaining weight (especially since I'm not exercising) and I need to slow down and gain some control. The thing is, I'm not even doing as much as my meal plan says to do...I don't think.
Here is what I had today...will you tell me what you think?
Breakfast: Bowl of cut up banana, strawberries, blueberries, raspberries with drizzle of OJ
Mid-morning: Grande Nonfat latte from starbux
Lunch: Marinated beets, 2 tofu spring rolls in rice paper, green apple
Dinner: mexican dinner plate: grilled chicken, 2 tbs guacamole, salsa fresca, lettuce, black beans
COffee with nonfat milk
I feel really full right now after that dinner and I'm supposed to go to a Valentines day party tonight. Normally if Iknew I were going out (and possibly drinking) I would have had something much smaller for dinner. See, it's these things that throw me off...I feel like I ate more than I normally would have (and I would have run today), soo....weight gain!

But like you have said, I don't know why I even care b/c I supposedly WANT to gain weight right? So what is the problem?
I see myself as "average" right now, too. Not fat, but definitely not too thin. I don't know if I really even need to change to be honest. I eat well and don't even exercise, so what is the problem? It really seems liek it will take care of itself and I'll "even out" so to speak.

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