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It's strange because some days I feel completely recovered, then the very next day I'm freaking out again about my weight, food, etc. I realize that I fear gaining weight and getting fat more than anything. It's almost as if I would get fat it would be the end of the world. Even when I'm eating normally and happy with my body, the fear of losing control and gaining a bunch of weight is still there. I can't just be happy with myself and leave it at that. The "what if's" are still there. I mean right now I'm 106-107lbs @ 5'1". I realize I'm at a normal and healthy weight for my height and overall I'm happy with my body. But I just keep thinking, what if I just start gaining weight like crazy and end up at 120 or even 130? I know the reason I'm feeling bad is because I completely overate last night. And to me over-eating at anytime is unacceptable even though I know everyone does it at times. Me and my fiance went out to eat. I of course ate pretty healthy...a salad, rotessiere chicken (took off skin), baked sweet potato w/ cinnamon honey butter and marshmallows (ok w/ the butter and marshamallows it wasn't very healthy), small roll. I ate half of my chicken and most of the sweet potato which of course were both big. Then I felt really full. On our way home we passed one of my fav ice cream places and my fiance wanted to stop. I was still full and really didn't think I had room for ice cream but I couldn't resist and just ordered a small vanilla cone. Then I was really really full. Then of course along came the guilt. Why couldn't I just accept that I ate a little too much and then just leave it at that? It's not like I completely binged and ate huge amounts of food. I ate normal, like most people would any given day. I just feel out of control sometimes when it comes to food. And my biggest fear is losing complete control and gaining 20 lbs or so. But I know that is my biggest problem right there.......CONTROL. If I lost the control I would be better off in the long run. I'm trying to learn to be an intuitive eater, but I can't if I feel like I'm "controlling" what I eat all the time. That isn't what intuitive eating is about. I can't honor my hunger and eat what I want and until I'm full if I feel like I need to control what I eat and how much. It's just so hard to let go of the fear. And I'm always thinking about how many cals I really need. I mean I'm short and small framed, and I hardly ever exercise. And I know I can easily eat more than I need. I guess I'm just having a hard time today. And today should be an exciting day for me, I'm going to try on wedding dresses for my wedding that is coming up in July. And of course I'm scared that when I try on my dress and get it sized that I will gain weight between now and July and it won't fit. How do I lose my fear of gaining weight and just eat????
piscean, i know where you're coming from, hon. i struggle with those same issues all the time (although i'm not nearly as far along in recovery as you are). i just am completely TERRIFIED of giving up control. i'm starting to think the actual number on the scale has little to do with it . . . it's the CONTROL that dictates my every emotion, action, thought, etc. so the only way the scale affects me is that if it moves up, it means my control isn't tight enough and i get nervous, not so much because of the actual number, but because i'm not enough "in control." does that make sense? i feel like you might have a similar issue to work through. you're right, you can't possibly "eat intuitively" if you can't totally let go of that control. the tough part is figuring out how to do that.

the thing i'm trying this week in my therapy is kind of neat, and maybe it would work for you. basically, two times i have to KNOWLINGLY go over my calorie range (i still have a meal plan) and eat something that my initial response to is: "no way, i'm not gonna eat that." obviously, it would be something that i like, and it has to be something substantial/higher calorie (like a couple small cookies ain't gonna cut it.) basically the goal is to get me to break the control, know that i ate "too much" (according to my ED brain) and then sit with that feeling. NOT compensate later by eating less or exercising more. just eat the food that i would WANT if my ed didn't say "no," and then deal with it. my therapist wants me to be as spontaneous as possible, so some examples would be like: someone brings cake to work and i just go ahead and have a big old piece (normally i'd avoid it like the plague). or we're driving past McDonald's and i just get a shamrock shake because i KNOW i like them (they're SO good if you've never had one!) or i grab a bakery style big cookie when i walk past a bakery, just because. those kinds of things, you know? then, the challenge is to go on for the rest of the day, follow my meal plan and not exercise any more at all.

am i scared/anxious to do this??? he** yes! but i can also see that my ED is WHY i'm scared. my ED doesn't want it's control broken, you know? it can't sit with the feeling that i ate "more than i'm supposed to." that's why i think it'll work. because it FORCES me to deal with that. i really think it could work for you too! obviously, this isn't something you'd continue to do forever, but for a few weeks, it might be REALLY beneficial. just go significantly over what you normally eat one day and then try to work it through in your mind. then do it again. but still eat the rest of your day normally, you know? so if you get a bakery muffin at 3 pm, then you still would eat the snacks, dinner, dessert that you would've eaten anyway. does that make sense? obviously, you don't HAVE to do it, but i really think it might help me/you to break that need for control. anyway, just a thought! hope something i said helps a little.

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