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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

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Re: Getting help
Mar 8, 2006
yeah I hope your right girl, that after a while the appts wont seem to be too much, but more of my support and my safe place to fall....i guess it just takes getting that trust which is very hard to have from me. I mean I'm the person that everyone else trusts with every bit of their life and heart, and im the one who makes everything ookay for them or makes them feel better, not the other way around, so its hard for me to accept that i need help to. but when i look in the mirror and its like im split in half long ways.......and half of my body I see fat and ugly and nasty, and the other half I see just a skeleton, a shell......with hollow eyes and sunken in cheeks, with no color and a saddness in the eyes I can't explain.....its like I'm in an all out war within the realms of me. its scary at times.....its scary most times i should say. I'm afraid to see the nutriotional counselor because I dont want her to put me on an amount that i have to eat each day. its scary.....I dont know if I can eat so many calories in a day when for years ive bearly had any calories that come from friend i told my secret to always tells me that i run on caffeine and nicoteine and the sad thing is, its true. all my calories come from my coffee and the one pepsi I drink a day, and most days its half of one, and its in the morning to try to get my blood sugar up to a functioning level. I wish I could just turn back time to the nite i was raped and just tell him to kill me when he was done so I wouldnt have to mess my life up so bad mostly because of the hate it caused against the therapist today filling out paper work when she gets to the question have u ever been abused sexually and i said not comfortable with her enough to say yes and let my secret out that early.....she said that with my ptsd we would talk about it only if and when i was ready, so at elast i kknow its not going to be forced out of me. but the lady seemed nice, i think her name is sue moms name is ellen so I guess it should be somewhat easy to remember. but still I dont know, I'm still iffy about what iwant to do with her. It will be so much easier as soon as my one safety net finishes her psychology degree and she promised to take me on as her first patient and it would all be free. so at least once shes done, it should be within the year and then i will be really at ease talking to her. but I dont know, I'm trying to be open. Im just still having such a hard time trying to digest the fact that I'm going to have to gain weight........ah its scary. I've lost a pound at every appt to my medical doctor for the past three times ive gone, I'm scared that she's going to hospitalize me again. And I really dont want that, and there are days I really try, but there are days i just dont have it in me to care. Its hard going through life when you hate yourself so much that you dont care if u live or die, or if u hurt or feel good. It doesnt even matter to me anymore what would happen to me.....thats awful, I know it is, but sometimes I think that death, just a black void of nothingness for the rest of eternity would be better than the pain i feel each day, and the fight it takes for me to get thru each day, and its even harder when u feel so alone.

I'm sorry you're having to count calories. I wish you would get up to weight so u could quit, but I know how hard it is to get up to weight, how hard it is to even want to. So keep your head up babe, I will always be here for ya. And I hope that if at anytime u need to talk or vent or anything dont hesitate to do so. but while ur having trouble being unbrave I will give u my courage and u can use it to be more strong and to be more brave.....and maybe that would help. I give u all of my love and support and the more support you have maybe the easier it will be to keep pushing. I hope so because over times u come to create a bond with those u speak to on here u know, its like we all have known each other for a long time. and i just want to see you be well, healthy well, and happy, or at least able to accept and dealwith ur life and the problems that are in it. I wish happiness for u so much, because i know what its like to feel so bad everyday u just want to die, so I wish for u to never feel that way, ever. How long have you been in treatment? And How was your day today?? Good one, bad one, mediocore? my day wasnt the best, scary to say the least, I didnt want to go to the therapist, I didnt want to go at all, but I did. and I came home so exhausted from working....I work early, I'm off by 11 every morning.......I gotta get up at 4 and get ready and get otuta here.....I bearly ever sleep at nite so I'm always tired, I have bad nitemares from my rape and from the nite my best friend died, I was with him......and then I have the fear im going to wake up and the rapist is going to be in my bed here, and i live in a different state then I lived in when it happened, but the sad thing is its not an unrealistic fear because i woke up not too long ago and he was n my bed beside me, and i started screaming and he ran, but im normally here alone so its not like someone would come to check on me......and even when my mother and step father are here they normally wouldnt come running anyways because i have horrible nitemares and they have gotten used to hearing me scream and cry in the middle of the nite until I wake up and sit in the corner on my bed and just shake......they have put me on klonopin's, they help some with my shaking and my fears, but only because they have me on such a high dosage it makes me high, it just makes me all screwed up to where i mumble and stumble and just laugh, my friends like it because it makes me more the real me, but the real me they are thinking of is just the me who used to mask my anorexia and my social problems, and my horrible thoughts from my life with drugs, lots and lots of drugs, so I mean i guess its not even me im real confused right now, so i think ill just stop going to draw a little or maybe write something.....maybe u would read some of the things ive wrote, maybe u can relate in some ways.....please keep ur head up hun, i know its always one step forward and ten steps back but one day it will be ten steps forward and one step back, we just have to keep trying. I promise im always here if u need to talk, please take care. love chrissy

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